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I gotta get it together

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Imissmyhusb posted 7/20/2014 17:14 PM

How do u explain to your 7 yr old why mommy doesnt feel like playg w her and doesnt feel like takg her out to parks and other special places...why mommy feels headaches and gets sick a lot (i tell her i dont feel good when i need to b alone)...why mommy yelld at daddy and screamed and cried.

I cant hold it in sometimes. I made the mistake of explodg in front of my kids

Long story short, i slammed and broke my phone against the floor and tried to punch WH in his face. Cursed him, told him its over, i am done

That was last wknd. He is still here. I see he is still gettg calls frm OW and i found a boost mobile user manual in his car.

I may be the worst BS ever. I was strong for a short time and now i feel i am back to square one. We have counselgs session this week. I have been the only one going and he needs to speak to WH

What will come of it? Who knows. I almost dont care anymore

ChangeMaker posted 7/20/2014 17:18 PM

Get back on the horse. Get that 180 going again.

Look up some breathing exercises for reducing anxiety. They really helped me.

Take your girl to the park and play with her. Stick to your daily routines.

Keep the high ground here, don't let him drag you down to that level.

When you feel like lashing out; do it here. I'll read 'em, and so will others.

We're all right here with you. He's not ready to understand, so don't even bother.

Imissmyhusb posted 7/20/2014 17:33 PM

Thanks. I will check on those exercises

Im so tired of my life right now

ButterflyGirl posted 7/20/2014 17:40 PM

The worst thing I did was keep my kids with me during my meltdowns, even when I had people available to watch them for me.

A lot of your discussions with your WH need to be OUT of the earshot of the children. Walls are thinner than you think.

Guess what? You NEED to be able to breakdown once in a while. Find some family, some friends, some neighbors, someone who can give you a break. Children deserve to be around positive people, people they feel safe around.

I've apologized to my kids for my moods many times. I am thankful for my family and for my neighbors. Raising a kid takes a village. Find yourself some teammates (besides Mr. Doucheball).

RidingHealingRd posted 7/20/2014 17:40 PM

Oh no, I truly understand your hurt and frustration but you must do all that you can to refrain from the emotional outbursts. This may be easier said than done but can you try to remove yourself from the situation when you feel such extreme anger?

I see he is still gettg calls frm OW and i found a boost mobile user manual in his car.

Your WH needs to believe there are consequences for his behavior.
Why not calmly ask him to pack up and get out? It seems that this would be best for both of you, not to mention your children.

I am 3 1/2 years out, living with a WH who has been truly remorseful from dday forward. My advice to you: don't beg, don't put up with one ounce of bullshit, be firm in your conviction that you will not stand for anything less than a deeply remorseful WH who is 100% committed to righting his wrong. Know that you deserve far better than what you are getting from this man and let him know that.

What would I do?
Without question, make him leave.

918Mama posted 7/20/2014 17:41 PM

Read the book "Love Must be Tough". I think it will really help you!!!

Mochagurl posted 7/20/2014 17:46 PM

Breathing exercises, yoga.

We all get angry but like someone else said, don't waste your time and breath trying to talk to them to make them understand or leave the OP. If you get angry in front of the kids, leave the room if possible, easier said than done. Go punch a pillow, take up a boxing class or some other exercise class.

Your kids are young, try to let them know that their house is safe. They need to feel secure. Try your hardest to go to the park, play a game, or even watch TV.

I posted last week about something similar. I can't stay focused at work, it's serious and I need to change-yesterday. I got some good suggestions. Sometimes you just have to do it. Allow yourself only so much time to think about something and be sad about it. Maybe at night or a break in the middle of the day or both.

Keep looking until you find something that works.

Sunrising posted 7/20/2014 18:14 PM

It is hard when were so overwhelmed emotionally, phisically and spiritually. I have to force myself to eat, and sleep.

I've got 4 and due no 5 any day and it's not easy at all. My heart goes out to you. One of my kids is in a wheelchair having come out of hospital recently after suffering a broken leg after being mowed down by an out of control go cart. WS went the day he came out of hospital.

My 7 yo is having quite violent meltdowns a couple of times a week due to WS not being here and the stress, it's heartbreaking for them, very hard to try and keep things relatively calm and normal?.

I'm a stubborn cow though and I won't let this sitch nor especially WS get the better of me, I keep telling myself that. Being strong is the only option I have ATM, and I absolutely WILL NOT ALLOW
his effed up choices impact me and the kids too negatively. Please keep saying this to yourself
I will not allow you (WS) to bring me and the kids down with you. Eff you and your messed up choices.
Keep telling yourself that.

It's been really tricky but I've taken them camping, and get them out a few times a week, Somedays I am tired and we will just potter about at home and do stuff, and watch the idiot box....we have cried all together, they have seen me cry a few times, I encourage them to talk about their feelings and just have this burning desire to make them feel safe and loved and I keep telling myself that I'm aiming to model good stuff for them of they are ever in a sitch like this. It helps me feel better about myself and them and what they're going through, keeps me focused on where the focus needs to be, grounded a bit more, although Somedays it's really hard, really hard and I don't accomplish as much as I'd like, as long as I do something for them , I feel a little better.

You are not the worst BS at all. Your world has been upended.
Sounds to me like he is still in la la land, and unremorseful after you finding the phone manual.

Get tough with him
Hug your kids and
Be gentle with yourself

There's a whole load of us here for you to support you
Although it doesn't seem like it ATM

ChangeMaker posted 7/20/2014 18:46 PM

I also got some advice from a good friend; try to tell yourself "I'm gonna go two freakin' minutes without thinking about this crap" then do it. If you think about it within the two minutes; start again. After you can do it for two minutes, increase the time.

You need someone to talk to in real life. It's not your shame, so don't bear any of it. TALK to someone.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/20/2014 20:27 PM

This might be too strongly worded. If so, I apologize, but's time for you to take the reigns and initiate a change, don't you think.

If you can't be present for your kids, if they are being emotionally dragged into your misery, if you're a wreck....maybe it is better for your H to move out until you and your H can decide how to proceed.

I'm not judging you. It's just that you owe your kids much more than you're giving them. I understand. Don't you think it's time to prioritize in favor of the kids? Why should they have to suffer because of your asshole husband? I noticed in one of your recent posts to another person on SI that you said something along thr lines of "maybe I should get my courage up and file for Divorce." That would be an option, too.

I have a 7 year old daughter, so I'm right there with how much they feel and know and understand. As you well know, it's a lot. Your children are hurting for you. Help them be safe from all of this. It's in your power.

Imissmyhusb posted 7/21/2014 06:14 AM

I honestly dont want to divorce. Just hoping that would jolt him out of acting like an ass. I realize that ppl hav to change on their own though so i am gettg back on the 180 horse

What would i do without u guys

confused615 posted 7/21/2014 06:35 AM

Don't hit him again. He could have had you arrested. Then you would be sitting in jail while OW is in your house,playing mommy to your kids.

Fuck that.

You need to work the 180. You need to detach. Your kids are suffering. They need at least one parent they can count on. And it sure as shit isn't him.

theseseatsRtaken posted 7/21/2014 06:40 AM


WS here, i hope its ok to offer a wayward perspective on your post. I dont know your story that well but my BS does and has filled me in a bit. I hope what i have to offer comes across the way i mean it to. I only want to try and help. I am aware it may come off a little harsh. If so i apologise.

First off i want to assure you from a WS perspective... This man has not and will not change... without some serious consequences. It took some of the most heart wrenching and soul destroying consequences i have ever been subject to (in my case probably the very first consequences i have been made to face at all) to spring me from the wayward fog. I have always lived for myself, forsakeing all others for my own self gratification - and only true consequences have forced me to self reflect enough to see what i had become and choose another path.

your husband still has contact with OW? He is keeping another cell phone? He doesnt join you in MC? This 'husband' should be on his damn knees working to make you believe in him again. Instead he appears to be doing all he can to hang on to his wayward lifestyle. Why? because he hasnt faced any real consequences.

I concur with everyone above - you need to pack his bags. That doesnt mean divorce though. It just means you make him face the repercussions associated with his choices. I cant emphasize strongly enough - this.wont.stop. Not unless you act.

Which brings me to one other point, and i want to be gentle gentle with this one. If you feel there is any chance at all that you might attempt to strike your husband again - please think on it deeply. If you let yourself give in to that rage, you open yourself up to legal retribution, your kids could suffer for it, it could make things much much worse.

My BS struck me on dday and i wouldnt hear of it the many times she has apologised. As far as im concerned i deserve far worse. But it has left a mark on her too, and i know she would recommend the same restraint.

I hope that doesnt come off as naive or patronising. You must be in so much pain and i really do feel for you. I hope you get through this. Sending strength.

Imissmyhusb posted 7/21/2014 06:52 AM

Not harsh at all.

Idk why its so difficult for me to put him out. U all r right and i know it. I have been havg a really REALLY hard time acceptg that he is who he is now

Would u share what types of consequences made u change?

theseseatsRtaken posted 7/21/2014 08:33 AM

Happy to.

In my case it has been the daily ritual of seeing my BS heart break like its dday all over again every morning when she wakes to a flood of all the memories she allowed herself to feel for one moment while she slept might have been a bad dream. Its having a promotion taken away from me at work which seriously threatens the financial viability of our family, all because i was too busy trying to talk to the OW that i didnt even realise how obvious it was that i was stuffing around. Its having to finally hold a mirror up to myself and REALLY look at it and start discussing OUT LOUD so many things that i have never talked about and always kept hidden because they frighten me or im ashamed. Its facing all of that and talking about it with BW and with IC. Its accepting that despite every justification, rationalisation and lie i told myself, when i made the choices i made, I was making BAD PERSON CHOICES. Its watching my wifes relationship with our beautiful dogs deteriorate because she knows that OW met them. Its giving up all social media, a phone number i had for 10 years, all my autonomy, my right to privacy. Its having to confess to my mother and her husband what i had done and who i really am and having to break down in my mothers mind the angel like image she had of her wonderful little boy and replacing it with the asshole i have been. And that one is ongoing, i have even resorted to sending her one of our books, 'after the affair', to try and help her see me clearer. This has been horrible and very confronting.

I hope that helps in some way. I have been exceptionally lucky in that so far i have not been kicked out. But i deserve to be, and i have to live every day knowing that i am one brain snap away from being kicked out and no matter how far down R we get, i will never have a valid enough argument to refuse. I will always have done this, i will carry it with me forever and i will NEVER be able to say i was strong enough not to cheat. Thats the biggest consequence of all. You cant ever wipe this away. We are branded with it for life. And for those of us who truly are remorseful and want true change in our lives, that hurts so damn much.

Imissmyhusb posted 7/21/2014 14:24 PM

Thanks for sharing

One more question, how much time passed btwn dday and the consequences that made u most remorseful and aware of who u had become?"

RippedSoul posted 7/21/2014 14:34 PM

I'm not advocating divorce for you, but I am agreeing with the other posters that your WH needs to be kicked out/asked to leave. Forgiveness is real, in my mind, but it's absolutely worthless if the Wayward is still acting out. He's STILL contacting her? He's refusing MC or IC? There must be a consequence--other than your hurt or anger (about which he cares next to nothing)--to shock him into some kind of decision. If he chooses to leave the M, then you have an answer. If he chooses to sever all contact with the OW, then you have some hope. Right now, all you have is enormous disrespect and gut-wrenching pain--with NO END in SIGHT! You, frankly, can't live like that. No one can. You need not make a long-term decision right now, but you should--for your sake and your children's and possibly your marriage's--make a short-term action to send him packing. Hugs!

theseseatsRtaken posted 7/23/2014 07:03 AM


It has been a gradually unfolding revelation. there was no defining moment or single consequence. This occurred, and is STILL occurring over time. I learned some of these consequences at the start of my journey and i learned some of them this week. It is consistently bewildering to me the number of ways i never thought of that this could torment my BW and deliver some form of repercussion through to me. Its often unbelievable.

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