SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I caught my wife haviving an affair back in October. I got the whole I love you, but am not in love with tou excuse. At the time she said it was non sexual, but only emotional. After a few days she recanted and said she was still in love with me and just made a mistake. Come to find a few months later she was still having contact with this guy. I said its either him or me. Once again she chose me. Things were going well for a while an d during this thime she opened up and admitted that it had become sexual, but it was not going on anymore neither the sex nor contact. I am having struggles with trust and it is causing fights. About a month ago we had gotten into a fight about where she had been and she said she was tired of being questioned and wanted a divorce. She left the home for a few days and then came back And said she wants to fix our marriage. I want to fix things and continue our relationship. I love this woman with all my heart, but at the same time feel like a fool anybody have any advice?

It sounds like she wants to rug sweep and that will not be good for you or the M. If she is remorseful and truly wants to R then she would be an open book. My suggestion is to sit down and decide what you need to heal. Do you want questions answered, access to phone, email, her to check in with you, etc... Then present her with your expectations. If she doesn't agree then you need to decide if you can live with a M like that. I was "lucky" in a sense because my FWH came completely clean a few days after Dday, has been open to answer any and all questions, allows me access to everything, is in ic, came up with a real why, and has never ever blamed me, quit going out without me, and has been patient, kind, and working his ass off to fix this mess! Unfortunately it is still really really hard! I'm so sorry you have to be here, but please make sure you get what you need. You deserve it!

You shouldn't feel like a fool because you still love her. There isn't an on/off switch. Back it up just a little here. What do YOU want? This is the best time to lay out your conditions for the possibility of R. You should expect her to write out a timeline so you know exactly what you are dealing with and she needs to answer every single question you have, truthfully, until you have no further questions...until death do you part.

She got a little taste of what life would be like without you and now sees the error of her ways. That doesn't mean you are under any obligation to take her back or to even agree to attempt R. You need to know what you are dealing with.

She blew up your M. It is her responsibility to do everything possible to earn your trust back. She should be more than willing to share everything with you; where she is, who she's with, passwords, accounts, social media etc. She should be bending over backward, not complaining that it's an invasion of privacy. There should be total transparency at this point and a truly remorseful spouse understands why this is so important and is eager to help by doing these things. She definitely is rugsweeping and being selfish.
I agree you should lay down your requirements/expectations and consequences for not meeting them should be in place. Remember...this is a GIFT you are giving her; the gift is that you are giving her a CHANCE to earn a relationship with you. Right now she doesn't deserve it.