Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying



Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library


Contact Us
Please visit our sponsor

In Association with
Infidelity -
- Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
Newest Member: whatamessnow (46573)

User Topic: how much cell phone use is too much?
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is considered an appropriate amount of time being on your cell phone....not talking, but using it for other things?

When does it become an issue?

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 973 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♂ 43174
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Addictive behavior is something I've had a lot of experience with.

It becomes an issue when there are other things you should be doing but aren't because you're on your phone.

It becomes an issue when you're out with other people (spouse, friends) but instead of interacting with them, you're on your phone.

Even if you're not out and about but a family member wants to talk to you and you can't/don't/won't put down the phone for them.

It becomes an issue when you feel in your gut that you're spending too much time on your phone, but you do it anyway.

It becomes an issue when you feel the urge to keep checking your phone when you're *not* on your phone.

It becomes an issue when you feel that it's an issue.

It becomes an issue when you're playing candy crush saga. :)

Check out this article:

And it's definitely an issue when it seems like someone is hiding what they're doing on their phone from you, or you ask them what they're doing and they say nothing, or refuse to answer.

Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
DS was 10 at the time. Now 11.

Posts: 544 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ 42807
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


What SelfishHusband said.

I noticed when I didn't have my phone I would freak out. Even if it was for a few minutes. I let it interfere with family events and let it control me. I always had to look at it. Now, I leave my phone at home so I don't get tempted. BBF has a phone and he hardly uses it, so if it's an emergency they know to call him.

I personally feel better now that I'm not attached to my cell phone. I can enjoy the beauty of life again.

WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!

Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's like anything. If you think you're using it too much, you probably are. If you think you *should* use it less, but you *really* don't want too, then you need to look at changing your behavior.

What's with the cryptic post, anyway? What's going on exactly?

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1315 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing is going on really, its just something I have been thinking about and wondering. I didnt ask for my own cell phone use...I asked for my BH. I feel like he is constantly on his phone and when I have brought it up he says hes just looking at stuff. He doesnt seem to think its an issue.

He doesnt use it for just texting though..its texting, email, fb, YouTube, and who knows what else. It is constantly with him. ..he even charges it right next to him when he is sleeping. ....its the first thing he looks at in the morning.

I dont know if this is something that is really an issue or if its just me complaining and nagging for no reason.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 973 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♂ 43618
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like he may be using this as an escape from his reality. I did this for 3 years before I stepped out. My phone got waaaaaay to important to me.

A wound can be stitched shut, but it decides when it will heal on its own.

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women

Posts: 990 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dr Jekyll,
I do understand that. And that I caused this awful reality...but my concern is for our communication.

I dont know how to fix it.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 973 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♂ 43088
Member # 43088
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


This has been a massive issue with BW and I for a very long time but it REALLY came to the fore on dday because of hoe much i used my phone to communicate with OW's.

I was on that damn thing ALL THE FREAKIN TIME. Even pre A, i would be picking the bloody thing up for no reason, it was like i was trying to get it to help me come up with a thought just so my mind would keep ticking over. It was ridiculous! If i wasnt on fb or candy cruch i was on sporting websites or angry birds i mean there was always something, and when there wasnt, i would go looking for something.

When i stopped after dday, it was AMAZING how much i have realised i dont need or even MISS the thing! i have surrendered all social media, and i barely touch my phone at home now! its brilliant!

I guess the real test is (if your in a position to ask for this - not all of us are) to see if BH can go without for a day. See how defensive or agreeable he is. If hes anything like i was, he'll hate the idea and you can safely say he is addicted to it.

At the end of the day, R is a two way street. You both have to bring your a-game and communicate better than you ever have in your life. Without this, its a huge undertaking that will be badly hindered.

I hope this helps

Me: WH 29
Her: BW 31 (RomanticInnocenc)
Our son: Almost 1!
DDay#1 Jan 8, 2014, DDay#2 Jan 10 2014
Dreaming of a brighter tomorrow, focussing on a transformative present. R is a gift. Embrace it.
I don't PM with female members.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
♂ 43441
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the same way. Before DDay I was on it all the time, the joke was that I should have the damn thing implanted in my head.

I have cut down on my phone use after dday to where I use it rarely at home and at work I try to keep it on the desk and not use it for email and use my desktop for most things.

My wife and I do text back and forth and that is when I pick it up.

My phone was my window into fantasyland and my PAP and EAPs, so I do know that it can be considered the "Gate into Hell."

This weekend I was camping with the family and grabbed my phone and checked it. There was an email from my LTAP and I immediately showed it to my BW. Now I have been asked the questions about why I was checking the phone, and what made me check the phone.

Couple this with the fact that on Friday, I got a "Friend" request on runkeeper from an EAP so this weekend was two AP contacts, both of which I showed my BW

I am really not certain why I checked my email this weekend. But I do know its an ingrained habit for me to do so when I am out of town in case there are emergencies.

I was IT director for a company but they busted me down to 20 hours a week and then I went out and got a consulting gig where I run around to three other offices. IT has to be highly available, however I did also use that as an excuse to my BW when I was on the phone. I used work to cover for my affairs. So I do know that when I do check the phone for work there are going to be questions asked about is it really work.

As a WH, I know that I have to make sure all my actions are pure. Hindsight being 20/20 maybe I should have asked her if it was ok to check my email while on the camping trip. Any suggestions that people have for me feel free.

Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 395 | Registered: May 2014
♀ 42651
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking the phone can become a habit, no hidden motivation required. My H will invite me out for lunch, and then proceed to check work email during the whole meal. I've taken to just remaining silent while he does that instead of happily chatting away acting like it doesn't bother me. Once he's reminded he's being inconsiderate, he'll stop. But I'm not sure it will ever be his default

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 43773
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not sure if it's ok for a BS to chime in
I agree with what selfishhusband said. My husband's cell phone was almost like it was always itching in his pocket. Always on his mind, He was just looking for the nxt moment he could check it. He did games pre-A. Then it was the A. Now it's games again. He has severely cut back, but it is a problem when it's *always* at the back of the mind, waiting for the next chance for it.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
♂ 42834
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is ALWAYS on hers. It drives me nuts actually especially since I feel she doesn't want to spend time with me. She says it's because of work and friends and she reads this site on her phone a lot. She basically finds solace in her phone. Not talking so much although a few of her best friends and her can talk for a heck of a long time. I don't get it because I have never had that many close friends but she's a social lady.

Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life
Now: real love and maturing

Posts: 310 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 12

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
© 2002 - 2015 All Rights Reserved.