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Struggle of needs

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KatieG posted 7/20/2014 17:55 PM

I am torn between reassuring and helping my WBF heal from the brokenness and lifelong issues he has and reminding him of the fact that he hurt me with his actions.

I want to help him but I need him to help me. Sometimes when I am bolstering him, I want to remind him that I wouldn't even be aware of his issues without the A.

I know it's my choice to be here but I can sense a bit of resentment sometimes when I help him work out his issues. I just hope he gets the connection between his former actions and the inner beliefs he holds about himself.

I think he was hoping it was all about MY forgiveness but it isn't. I also need to believe the chances of it happening again are low.

Does anyone else have this struggle of needs when in R?

RidingHealingRd posted 7/20/2014 18:15 PM

Does anyone else have this struggle of needs when in R?

Nope, the only needs that mattered to me post dday were mine.

I had zero compassion for the pain my WH was suffering as a result of his poor choice to betray me.

peaceBmine posted 7/20/2014 18:35 PM

Yes. Even on DDay I was keenly aware that EVERYONE , including my WH and OW was hurting. I can still see and care for not only my pain but his. We have focused on working thru the issues (including his that were the reason for the A) together.

tired girl posted 7/20/2014 19:50 PM

I believe that the WS has to show total commitment to working out their issues on their own. You can support them to a degree but I believe that healthy amount of detachment is good for both spouses in the early days.

sisoon posted 7/21/2014 10:34 AM

I used to tell my W how much I loved her and how terrific I thought she was. Then she cheated. The reassurance and support I gave didn't do enough good. Since d-day, she's been on her own for words of support.

WRT the help and reassurance you want to provide - is that to make you or him feel good?

If you offer help so you feel better, you're probably caught up in a Drama Triangle (search the web for 'Karpman drama triangle' - no quotes).

Also, if you help a person so you feel better, the person you're rescuing often will feel resentment because you're really attending to your needs, not his.

In any case, keep focusing on yourself. When you see your H struggling, ask him if he'd like help. If he does, ask what kind of help. Then decide if you want to give that help or not at that moment.

And if he can't say what help he wants, he may be locked in the Drama Triangle at that moment, and he isn't really interested in getting real help, so just tell him you may provide support when he tells what support he wants.

I know this sounds cold, but it's warm and loving when you do it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:35 AM, July 21st (Monday)]

notanavrageangel posted 7/22/2014 17:38 PM


My DDAY was first on July 4 - TT then July 18th total confession (at least what I know for now). My husband suffers anxiety and panic, and I am thinking a bit of depression now too because I didn't realize his self esteem was so low. He said he began talking to OW as a way to escape feeling like a failure in everyday life, and that it progressed because he already felt we has a fuck up, what was one more thing added to the list, until his conscience showed up. I am struggling because I can be sympathetic to his feelings and I understand (he has made it extremely clear) that it isn't my fault or that our marriage wasn't good, it was that he felt like he didn't deserve any good things in his life. (He had done something similar a year into our dating where he broke up with me and ran away when he felt it was getting too serious to protect me and himself from being hurt). It breaks my heart a little because I thought he was over those feelings but knowing that he has been carrying this around for the 5 years we have been together sucks. I thought he was truly happy. So I get your struggle. Its been hard because I feel like he has needed me emotionally for the past few days, he has really broken down and cried a lot (he never cries) but it is a struggle because I need him to be comforting me more as well. I think its a balance when you have a situation with a WH that is remorseful and isn't in love with OW at all or thinks you are the reason for the A.

KatieG posted 7/23/2014 01:26 AM

Thanks Sisoon, yes I get the drama triangle and I think it is my need to comfort him. I try and see how he comforts me when I am triggering or upset and it's different but it works. I get the panic back when I see him desperate and I want to make it go away - for me. But I also resent the game I get caught up in because I think he knows it will flip the dynamic (my mother does this).

So I'm aware and I think that's the struggle. I've been trying some visualisation exercises to stop my inner voices and it's giving me some peace. I also want him to get to his own demons. I see the triggers for him and the pattern much clearer now. I just need to stop my responses. Thanks for the help.

Notanaverageangel, I think that what I'm scared of as well. If he doesn't address his issues (and I'm not helping by rescuing) he will repeat the pattern. He doesn't see this, he believes will power is enough at the moment I think.

[This message edited by KatieG at 1:28 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

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