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Newest Member: NumbEmptySad (61504)

User Topic: Struggle of needs
♀ 41222
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am torn between reassuring and helping my WBF heal from the brokenness and lifelong issues he has and reminding him of the fact that he hurt me with his actions.

I want to help him but I need him to help me. Sometimes when I am bolstering him, I want to remind him that I wouldn't even be aware of his issues without the A.

I know it's my choice to be here but I can sense a bit of resentment sometimes when I help him work out his issues. I just hope he gets the connection between his former actions and the inner beliefs he holds about himself.

I think he was hoping it was all about MY forgiveness but it isn't. I also need to believe the chances of it happening again are low.

Does anyone else have this struggle of needs when in R?

DD#1 - Oct 13

"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive" - CS Lewis

Posts: 802 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else have this struggle of needs when in R?

Nope, the only needs that mattered to me post dday were mine.

I had zero compassion for the pain my WH was suffering as a result of his poor choice to betray me.

ME: 57 BS
HIM: 64 WH
Married: 32 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 6 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2441 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 44060
Member # 44060
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Even on DDay I was keenly aware that EVERYONE , including my WH and OW was hurting. I can still see and care for not only my pain but his. We have focused on working thru the issues (including his that were the reason for the A) together.

Me (BS)- 42
Him (WS)- 44
Married 21 years
3 beautiful daughters (18,16,14)
DDay- 4/23/14- 6 month EA turned PA just before DDay

Posts: 762 | Registered: Jul 2014
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that the WS has to show total commitment to working out their issues on their own. You can support them to a degree but I believe that healthy amount of detachment is good for both spouses in the early days.

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

Posts: 7444 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Inside my head
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to tell my W how much I loved her and how terrific I thought she was. Then she cheated. The reassurance and support I gave didn't do enough good. Since d-day, she's been on her own for words of support.

WRT the help and reassurance you want to provide - is that to make you or him feel good?

If you offer help so you feel better, you're probably caught up in a Drama Triangle (search the web for 'Karpman drama triangle' - no quotes).

Also, if you help a person so you feel better, the person you're rescuing often will feel resentment because you're really attending to your needs, not his.

In any case, keep focusing on yourself. When you see your H struggling, ask him if he'd like help. If he does, ask what kind of help. Then decide if you want to give that help or not at that moment.

And if he can't say what help he wants, he may be locked in the Drama Triangle at that moment, and he isn't really interested in getting real help, so just tell him you may provide support when he tells what support he wants.

I know this sounds cold, but it's warm and loving when you do it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:35 AM, July 21st (Monday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16804 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 44154
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


My DDAY was first on July 4 - TT then July 18th total confession (at least what I know for now). My husband suffers anxiety and panic, and I am thinking a bit of depression now too because I didn't realize his self esteem was so low. He said he began talking to OW as a way to escape feeling like a failure in everyday life, and that it progressed because he already felt we has a fuck up, what was one more thing added to the list, until his conscience showed up. I am struggling because I can be sympathetic to his feelings and I understand (he has made it extremely clear) that it isn't my fault or that our marriage wasn't good, it was that he felt like he didn't deserve any good things in his life. (He had done something similar a year into our dating where he broke up with me and ran away when he felt it was getting too serious to protect me and himself from being hurt). It breaks my heart a little because I thought he was over those feelings but knowing that he has been carrying this around for the 5 years we have been together sucks. I thought he was truly happy. So I get your struggle. Its been hard because I feel like he has needed me emotionally for the past few days, he has really broken down and cried a lot (he never cries) but it is a struggle because I need him to be comforting me more as well. I think its a balance when you have a situation with a WH that is remorseful and isn't in love with OW at all or thinks you are the reason for the A.

Me: BW, 29
Him: fWH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jul 2014
♀ 41222
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sisoon, yes I get the drama triangle and I think it is my need to comfort him. I try and see how he comforts me when I am triggering or upset and it's different but it works. I get the panic back when I see him desperate and I want to make it go away - for me. But I also resent the game I get caught up in because I think he knows it will flip the dynamic (my mother does this).

So I'm aware and I think that's the struggle. I've been trying some visualisation exercises to stop my inner voices and it's giving me some peace. I also want him to get to his own demons. I see the triggers for him and the pattern much clearer now. I just need to stop my responses. Thanks for the help.

Notanaverageangel, I think that what I'm scared of as well. If he doesn't address his issues (and I'm not helping by rescuing) he will repeat the pattern. He doesn't see this, he believes will power is enough at the moment I think.

[This message edited by KatieG at 1:28 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

DD#1 - Oct 13

"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive" - CS Lewis

Posts: 802 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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