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tomorrow is the first day of the end of my M-anxiety

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hopefulmother posted 7/20/2014 21:25 PM

So, my fWH starts his job at a new store tomorrow. It is almost 2hrs from here (the place he moved us to) that is the backdrop of our most horrible time in our M. We get to move home. But, the house (which is two blocks from my sister) will not be closed till the end of August. My fWH will be staying with his mom back home. About 45 minutes from his new store. I am so happy to get out of this backdrop to our horror story and go home.

But, the anxiety part you say? A new store. 12 at the most new woman for him to manage. His test. Will he crumble again? Will he be swayed by these new women? New personalities. Some sure to flirt and tease. Doesn't every work environment have the work OW?! New woman that are fun and carefree, because they are at work. They will be kissing up to the new manager to get the good shifts. They will be dressed to the nines...They will be new and exciting.

Then there is me. Two hours away for a month. The wifey. The ball and chains. The stressed STAHM taking care of our two toddlers and all the behind scenes stuff. With the inclusion of packing a house and dealing with a house closing/mortgage shit. I will not be carefree and fun. I will not always be dressed to the nines (not that he will see it) with my best foot forward. I will be the one with one kid hanging from my leg. My hair a mess with a noodle in it. Peanut butter and jelly stains from messy hands and mouths on my clothes. You get the picture. I will be responsibility and reality. Far from the "Leave it to Beaver Wife" he talked about on Dday that I wasn't.

This just sucks. I can't compete with that. I am so angry that I ever had to compete with that. I am so angry today, that I did everything and what I got in return was lying, cheating, manipulation, cruelty, pain, used, disrespect, and abandonment.

Tonight, I feel like 18 months are down the drain. I realize how little I trust him. How little I expect from him. I can't find my hope and faith. I can't stop crying. I am so hurt that I actually believe my fWH will fail. I feel like tomorrow is the first day of the end of my M.

Skan posted 7/20/2014 22:26 PM

Ah sweetie, I would be stressed to the max too. That's a lot of angst on your platter. Do the two of you have a plan for staying connected through your time apart? (((hugs)))

Mac4 posted 7/21/2014 03:43 AM

hopeful...did you tell your WH about how you feel and your concerns about his new job? I would make sure he is aware of how you are feeling. Maybe you could work together to see what might make you feel more secure, frequent texts, phone calls, etc. Like Skan said, make a plan to stay connected.

And "peanut butter and jelly stains" are the signs of a loving mother.

Sending you strength in the upcoming weeks.

blakesteele posted 7/21/2014 06:34 AM

(((Hopefulmother)))

You are on my SI specific prayer list. I will also say a specific prayer for you now.

You have grown. You are stronger. Your eyesight is more clear.

Trust your gut.

Express your feelings.

You are wise to recognize the "OW" is anywhere and everywhere.....she is not unique. Hopefully me hopefulmother accepts that very real truth.

You are healthy to recognize external threats to your M.....something I think we were both fairly naive about pre-A.

I pray me hopefulmother is actively seeking ways to both instill desperately needed boundaries as well as sharing his journey away from his reckless coping skills with you. He needs to get to a place where he genuinely cares and loves HIMSELF and YOU.......something that I believe is missing in a waywards psyche BEFORE the first affair. Something that needs to take root in them so that marital intimacy may start to grow.


You are growing. The painful feelings you are experiencing are a sign of that growth.

You got this! Keep posting, keep reaching out.

God is with us all.

Didact posted 7/21/2014 07:59 AM

I will be the one with one kid hanging from my leg. My hair a mess with a noodle in it. Peanut butter and jelly stains from messy hands and mouths on my clothes.

There is no shortage of real men who find this far more attractive than simply being fully dressed up and wearing nice shoes with perfect hair. Particularly so when those are his wonderful children you are working so hard with. In your heart, do you think your H can see you that way now?

Remember, any A(s) he had were about him, not you. If he has done the work to change, is open and remorseful, you can be hopeful that things will be different. Trust this: you will know if he hasn't changed, and if not, you will do right by yourself and your children.

hopefulmother posted 7/21/2014 09:04 AM

Thanks to all of you for your support. I really needed to see that this morning. It was a rough night with a horrible nightmare about him cheating with the exAP at his new job. We talked more before he left for work at 2am.

Yes, he more than knows how I feel. He in turn left a note about how worried he was that I will move on without him. That this time away will make me see I don't need him and that I am better off without him. That I am happier without him and will not let him return.

Honestly, since he finally got "it" and stopped pressuring me two months ago to just get over it, things have been wonderful.

Yes, I would know if he is being stupid again (I hope). I think I am bothered by the fact that he said he worked with OW for 6 months before he began to really notice her. Then it was full speed ahead from there. He still has a way to go. He acts so naive around other woman. Usually at social events, he is off on his own talking with friends and we don't network together. We never did. I was more outward and secure to need to be hanging off his arm. I just felt like the type that didn't need training wheels at functions. In hindsight, not being clingy with each other may show division to others.

I need to stop worrying about the future.

We have no plan about staying in contact other than him coming home on his days off and me visiting once in a while.

I visited his new store once about a month ago. We were house hunting. The store is a store he worked in for several months while training, so he knows some of the staff. While there...a woman (definitely a potential OW) walked right up to him and started chatting it up flirting with him in front of me (she had worked with him before and is trashy in his words). I said hello several times and introduced myself and she ignored me. My fWH never did a thing about it. Just talked right back. The other cashiers introduced themselves to me and my children. Later, I brought it up and my hubby said yes it was rude she did that and he noticed...but didn't seem to understand how him ignoring the situation encouraged disrespect and division in our M.

To me, that is a clear lack of empathy for me and him being selfish. He was thinking about himself and his image. In addition to him not wanting to draw attention to an uncomfortable situation. He will always choose to ignore something than address it and ruin how others looked at him. Just no care in the world of how disrespectful that is to your wife!

I decided to go back on escitalopram to get me through the next two months. I hate taking meds with a passion, but my children deserve the best of me. This just sucks, because here he starts a new job and we are in the process of getting our first home when I am not sure we even will have a M.

peaceBmine posted 7/21/2014 09:06 AM

I completely understand and am with you. My WH requested a transfer after DDay. His whole purpose was to put my mind at ease (and husband of OW), but I couldn't believe the unexpected anxiety it created. New potential "connections". At least at the old position I knew what I was dealing with.

hopefulmother posted 7/24/2014 13:04 PM

It is going well and he has maintained contact on his own. He is calling me all the time and messaging me. He informed me of any behavior that he now can see as inappropriate from female cashiers.

He even surprised me last night by coming home from the two hour drive since he opened yesterday and closed today.

What is even better is that he posted recently on SI about a topic we both were discussing regarding APs. He reads but never posts. He was always fearful that I would read his posts and I would misconstrue something resulting in R being harder.

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