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Venting - problems in our marriage did not cause the affair

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stunnedmullet posted 7/21/2014 00:59 AM

No, problems in our marriage did not lead to the affair.

I don't want to examine what I was not doing or what I was doing wrong to lead him to have an affair.

I am not mentally strong enough to be told I contributed to it.

Why would WH fell betrayed? By what FFS?

I don't know maybe I am looking for a counsellor that will kick his arse and tell home he is a selfish SOB that should be grovelling on his hands and knees for me to give him this chance.maybe they aren't out there.

I don't think I am strong enough to deal with this yet? Maybe I was being too optimistic looking for a counsellor. Maybe I will just never get that vindication I am looking for. I want someone to tell him he is a fucking arsehole but no one has.

Maybe I am just holding on to too much hurt and anger and will never move past it.

mamajen00 posted 7/21/2014 01:22 AM

I totally relate to your post. I actually posted something in the General section asking why some waywards are unremorseful? I refuse to take blame for the A. If WH was unhappy he should have communicated his frustrations to me (more than just saying "I need more sex"). While we were attending MC, the discussion always turned to how his feelings of ambivalence were not related to the A at all. He was simply unhappy in the marriage because I wasn't meeting his needs. Our MC did tell him that he was a narcissist, selfish, and needed to seek out IC immediately but, honestly, I don't think WH listens to what she says. I, too, was waiting for the MC to say, "Listen up buddy, you fucked up big time and you better own your shit before it's too late". But that never happened, we spent a lot of time trying to dig up why WH had built walls of resentment against me. But, it seems like it is too late now as I moving forward with D. Good luck. Is your WH remorseful?

stunnedmullet posted 7/21/2014 01:32 AM

Mamajen he is remorseful, maybe that is why everyone is still being nice to him. I guess I wanted her to stand in my corner rather than be unbiased but I am realising that isn't going to happen. Maybe I am not ready for MC yet?

I don't know if I will ever be ready to deal with this crap, but I guess I didn't get a choice in the matter at any time

angerisme posted 7/21/2014 01:53 AM

The truth is that waywards are just screwed up, generally narcissistic people. They ONLY reason they turn it around to make the betrayed spouse look culpable is because they would have to admit they are screwed up if they have a good spouse and simply want to screw around because they are a pig!

Don't you DARE accept responsibility for your husbands screwing around. He engaged in abusive behavior that can literally destroy another person. Can you imagine a therapist discussing the behavior of an abused wife in trying to figure out her part in getting her leg broken during a beating from her husband? NO!.....same thing w/ infidelity!

Infidelity is an aggressive, abusive act that DESTROYS and damages! The blame lays SQUARELY in the laps of the cheating, lying, weak pricks that screw around!

wk55hn posted 7/21/2014 06:20 AM

You've got the wrong MC. Not all know how to deal with infidelity. I've heard of this type of MC more than a few times. Kind of a blame-the-victim mentality. Like you must not have been meeting his needs, that's why he cheated. Based on that outlook, you might as well go out and have an affair, then the MC can ask HIM what HE was doing wrong not to meet YOUR needs. NO. Do yourself a favor and find another MC that is actually going to help YOU, too, and deal with what allowed only him to cheat, even though you BOTH had needs that were being unmet.

deceivedguy posted 7/21/2014 06:31 AM

I just had this same argument, yesterday with my WW. I was going through knots in stomach and for some stupid reason, told WW that I was in a bad place. She being unremorseful, ended up starting an argument which led to me saying, "excuse me, but YOU did this". To which her reply was, "no WE did this".
If I had thought of it at the time, I would have said, "if WE did this, then how come you were the only one having sex for the last 4 months?".

She has completely made up a fake story in her head about how our marriage was falling apart for the last two years. I have pictures, emails, and cards which prove different. We had our ups and downs like any marriage, but nothing out of the ordinary.
She has repeated this fake 2 year history to her support group (a couple of friends and a sister) so many times, that I think she might actually believe it now.
Thanks to VAR, I know that the lies of our history continue to grow and change.
Delusional, narcissistic!

Sleepingbeauty posted 7/21/2014 06:35 AM

Finda a different MC but even more important is to find an IC.

YOU DID NOT CAUSE THE AFFAIR. Many Ws's use that line and it's crap. I may be a little early for you but there are some good articles in the healing library that may help you.

For your information I think your H is a jerk for saying that to you.

Shockleader posted 7/21/2014 07:38 AM

Speak it angerisme! Spot on. DG, I like so many others heard the same shit. My POS ex however said:

"You're not innocent in all of this either"...

Yeah, she even used as a reason for my 'guilt' in her fucking around, that some of the activities we planned prior to the latest move, never happened. Fucking bitch cowardly liar pushing blame on me. Yeah, I bet if we did one more hike or concert at the new place, you would have kept your legs shut!

Glad to see you use delusional DG, as I do in a lot of my posts... Because it's true. I can also start to sense anger in you rising... GOOD!

stunnedmullet posted 7/21/2014 08:24 AM

It's not my WH saying it, it was the new MC we went to today. I guess I was a bit in shock to say anything to contradict her, but next time I am just going to come out and tell her that it's crap and if she uses our marriage as an excuse for the infidelity then I won't go back.

She actually said that both of us have been betrayed and both WH and I have no clue WTF she means. He says over and over that this is in no way my fault, it was just her. I think that's why I was so angry. I want a marriage counsellor to validate that it was 100% WH doing in regards to the affair, and to tell him it was an awful thing to do, and basically tell him he is an arsehole. Then we can look at a way through it

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/21/2014 08:34 AM

Time for a new therapist because this one SUCKS.

norabird posted 7/21/2014 10:46 AM

A counselor should wait to deal with non-A issues until the A has been resolved. Anything else is rugsweeping. You can't heal the M and re-build your way of interacting with each other until you address the betrayal.

No one is a perfect partner, but to be accused of causing this is just really hard and awful. that said, I think it can be a great time for you to reflect on your own about your pattern of being in the M, and how you communicated. That's for your own growth, however; it's not about your being at fault.

steppingup posted 7/21/2014 12:11 PM

I don't know maybe I am looking for a counsellor that will kick his arse and tell home he is a selfish SOB that should be grovelling on his hands and knees for me to give him this chance.maybe they aren't out there.

My comments are that he needs to feel like grovelling because of YOU, not because of someone talking him out of his selfish WS fog.

When you do the 180, and start moving on you will see some reaction to it, perhpas some changes. Also keep in mind, why would we (BSs) want to keep around unrepentant cheaters? If someone told you before you were married that your husband would eventually cheat on you and then make you feel like rubbish after would you have bothered to get married, of course not!

How is that any different than now? For me the turning point in my relationship with WW was to actually see and hear how she was not repentant, she was sorry I was hurt but was not sorry about her fun and her feeling for the AP.

If the shoe was on the other foot, it would be war aganist us, correct? Yes, think about it. Double standards and defiance!

Stand up for yourself and for your self respect!


stunnedmullet posted 7/21/2014 17:58 PM

He is remorseful and doing so much to show me he wants to be here and wants our marriage, so it's not him.

I guess I want a counsellor to say, you know what WH what you did was appalling, was selfish and a complete arsehole thing to do. Show her everyday that you are grateful for the chance to rebuild a relationship with her instead of her kicking your arse out which she has every right to do. And now, let's look at the affair and some way for you both to get through this shit storm, then let's look at how we can build a new relationship.

Instead I am getting, affairs don't just happen, both of you have been betrayed, let's look at what was happening In the marriage that led to the affair, etc.

Like I said maybe I am being unrealistic, maybe marriage counselling isn't what we need, maybe I need to find an escape, but then I leave my kids and I can't do that. Looks like I have to live with this pain to make it okay for the,. I didn't sign up for this life, I just want out of this pain

nekorb posted 7/21/2014 18:12 PM

want someone to tell him he is a fucking arsehole but no one has.

How about you tell him?

excuse me, but YOU did this". To which her reply was, "no WE did this".

Omg - I hear this too and it infuriates me.

[This message edited by nekorb at 6:13 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

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