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Wtf is wrong with me?!

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Shinypenny posted 7/21/2014 08:58 AM

Before dday 6 weeks ago, my WH and I were contemplating a second kid. We have been in MC and have been working really hard at reestablishing our relationship. WH is doing and saying all the right things. We actually started talking about trying for a second kid now. I had a moment of clarity last night and lost my mind crying because I realized that it is just not in the cards for me. I feel strongly like I want another child, but I am about to turn 40 and my time is running out. I am freaking out that I almost started trying for this! I realized that I was about to try to have a kid with someone I haven't totally forgiven, don't trust, and have an uncertain future with. WTF is wrong with me?!?! I am just so ready to not feel shitty and move forward with my life. I am so upset with myself over this. I am also realizing that I may never have another kid now and that is making me sad all over again. I'm not sure what I want by posting this. I just needed to vent out a bit I guess.

hopefulmother posted 7/21/2014 09:16 AM

So sorry you are feeling like this. I think it is normal. You still want life. You still want to live and do the things that you planned on doing. I think it is okay and don't feel bad. It isn't your fault your H checked out. Give it a year. See how you feel then. 41 isn't so old to decide to have another child. Just think about all the hormones to go along with you craziness you feel from the A. Bad combo.

Morhurt posted 7/21/2014 09:17 AM

I hear you. I hear your pain and frustrations and they make complete sense. I'm so sorry. :( The ramifications of their selfishness have such far reaching effects don't they?

This R thing is such a roller coaster. The only thing that helps me at all is to talk to my H. It's so hard sometimes but in the long run it always helps.

Big hugs to you.

kate0421 posted 7/21/2014 09:33 AM

Awe I'm sorry you are going through all this. I totally get where you are coming from, except we did plan for and had another child, then I found out about his As one month before my dd turned 1. It was really really hard to process through all these emotions with our dd being so young. There were days I didn't think I could be the mother my children deserved. But like hopefulmother said, give it a year to see where you are and go from there. I'm not a year out yet, but I am definitely not where I was the first few months after dday. It wasn't until the 6th month for me where I felt like I could really breathe again and look at the big picture, although it still get fuzzy at times, I'm definitely in a better place.
(((Hugs)))

Shinypenny posted 7/21/2014 12:37 PM

I agree the hormones and stress of pregnancy would not mix well with the current roller coaster. The whole thing just reinforces how much my life is not wholly my own anymore. His selfishness has affected everything!

Jrazz posted 7/21/2014 12:46 PM

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you - this is an unfortunate result of the betrayal.

I'm 35 and always wanted 2 kids. I have gorgeous, amazing DD4 and 3.5 years after DDay I still haven't figured out whether it's a good idea to have another or not. I've worked a lot on finding peace with the fact that I may have only one child. Just in case that's the eventuality.

I repeat - there is nothing wrong with you. This is hard and confusing. It's ok to take some time, even if it's a couple months. Life doesn't always (ever) go the way we plan, and accepting that helps us navigate the twists and turns.

(((Shinypenny)))

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