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Our D-Day was in April of 2013. When I was first confronted I was still in lying mode. I gave trickle truth for a while and did confess to many things that would never have been discovered. However I did hold on to two or three details because at the time I thought I was doing the right thing protecting my wife from too much hurt. My two mental health providers advised me to hold on to the info.

On Saturday my wife mentioned that there was a detail she would like to have, and I gladly gave it to her along with something else that I had honestly forgotten when I was giving her a timeline. However, there was still those pieces of info I was withholding. She asked me to come forward with anything else I might remember.

Today I finally decided enough is enough, and I gave her the info that I had either lied about originally or withheld. So far she is handling it very well, but I actually feel worse than I did before I confessed. I thought I'd feel some relief as if I had finally done the right thing, but all I feel is that I screwed everything up. Can anyone else relate or try to give me some perspective? I'm very confused. The only good thing is that the truth is all out there, and I'm not holding on to any secrets. That doesn't seem to help, though.

[This message edited by rsf2013 at 2:48 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

I did TT for the first several weeks after DDay1, until everything came out. This is one of the many mistakes I have made in all of this. Now I have absolutely zero credibility. She trusts nothing I say.

Today she called me up and accused me of having an affair with someone I have never met. My denials sound hollow, no matter how true they are. I have no idea how or where she got this misinformation, but it is true in her eyes.

This is the hole we have dug ourselves, and we have to live with it, at least for the time being.

My only thought on this is keep telling the complete and honest truth. Stick with it. Work on it every day, and feel good about it.

rsf2013-

I'm glad you posted, and I'm sorry that you've been feeling bad even after being open and honest. I know what you mean when you say:

I thought I'd feel some relief as if I had finally done the right thing, but all I feel is that I screwed everything up. Can anyone else relate or try to give me some perspective.

For a couple of weeks I was very hopeful about my chances of R but yet I was holding onto details about my affairs. Once I told my husband about them, I initially felt some relief, but over the past two weeks my anxiety is back and is compounding. My husband keeps asking what is wrong, and I feel helpless because I don't know the answer. I'm no longer having an affair, or lying, or doing any number of other deceitful things. The only thing I'm doing now is hurting my career by being anxious and forgetful and unfocused all the time!

Maybe we can both try to change the feeling inside of us. I'm going to try to ask myself: "What are the bad feelings about? Why do I feel like I'm headed for another low point? Am I having doubts about my ability to sustain change? Did I forget to love myself today, and give myself a pat on the back this morning?"

I know that the inner feelings of - "I'm horrible and there is no way I can be forgiven" - are dangerous, and that they only lead to more escapism, so I need to fight through the escapism and concentrate on productive action.

One foot in front of the other. Do the hard work, and love yourself when you do good deeds for yourself and others.

Thanks for the posts, please keep them coming. I guess what gets me is that it doesn't make sense for me not to feel some relief. On Saturday when we were out my wife said she has always felt I was holding back because I initially wouldn't give the exact address of one of the places I went with my AP and that it was holding her back. I not only told her, but I also drove her there. I also told her about one encounter that I had honestly forgotten about when I was trying to come clean and didn't have the courage to mention down the road. I also revealed some other location details that we had previously agreed to keep secret. I felt so great after getting that stuff out there on Saturday, but today was different.

After spilling that stuff on Saturday she asked me to agree to tell her if I thought of anything else that was missing. I agreed, knowing I would have to find a way to reveal these last few details that I had been holding on to because I had thought they'd be too hurtful. I couldn't just blurt it out in the restaurant at that time. By this morning I couldn't take it anymore. I knew that if I didn't come clean our new relationship would be built on a dirty lie.

I said today that my revealing that information is two things. 1. It's an indictment of who I was when I initially decided to withhold the information and the lack of courage I had. 2. It's a sign that my more recent substantial growth is working. When I was having the affair I could easily lie about anything. Now I feel dirty about lies. It's a good thing that I felt dirty and uncomfortable and refused to allow us to move forward on a lie. I know it's the right thing to do, but I feel so much worse now than I did when I woke up this morning. Before reining myself in I almost went into the kitchen and OD'd on my psych meds to end it all. What a roller coaster.

Confessing everything is the first step to healing. You will have to accept what you did. I felt worse when I told BBF everything because I felt disgusting, it's not who I am. In fact, it is, who I am I thought that way, I let myself be in the A. It does not define me.

Yes, I felt worse because now I was facing what I did and not rug sweeping like I have done all my life, which was much easier. I felt worst because I could see so much pain, even today, see so much pain that I have caused him.

No you have to work hard, even harder than before and dig deep. Why do you feel dirty about telling her the truth? For me, I lied all the time, because it kept me safe. Why did it keep me safe? From being vulnerable and a target to abuse. And continue asking yourself why.

We are all here, in the same boat.

rsf2013

Now is not the time to hide your feelings from your wife. I know how low you are feeling, I was there very recently. At one point I was crying so hard and I told my husband that I didnt deserve to wear my ring anymore because I hadn't earned that privilege. I wasn't trying to be dramatic, I had just finally hit the bottom of my tank. I think that's where you are. You finally feel like your whole rotten self is on display, and it isn't pretty. Allow yourself to feel sad for the you that you became, but don't be afraid to do something good and to start to refill that emotional tank. You will need it in the days and weeks to come. Keep posting, and keep doing the hard work.

p.s. My husband's response really surprised me. He told me "it doesn't work like that" That's why I say not to shy away from giving and receiving emotional feedback right now. It may help move the relationship forward.

[This message edited by TheWorstCase at 9:35 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

I am surprised that you are not feeling relief. Are you sure you told her everything? For myself I felt worse about my actions, but am able to have open discussion about anything now.

The only good thing is that the truth is all out there

you act like this is some small thing. You have no secrets, your BS can process everything. And this move to your history. You are setting a new policy of honesty.

Before reining myself in I almost went into the kitchen and OD'd on my psych meds to end it all.

You are going to have to work through the suicidal thoughts. work it with your IC and discuss it with your BS. I have found recently that sharing my true thoughts and feelings with my BS helps me not feel alone in the struggle. It may help combat that suicidal thinking.

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

If you contemplate suicide again please call that number. Last week I was in a bad place, didn't really want to kill myself but I did want to die. Just dialing the number was enough to kick me out of that place again.

Suicide is not the answer.

Hang in there.

rsf2013 - How are you doing today?

Wow, folks, thanks for the support! I am happy to report that I feel much better today. It turns out that coming clean did make me feel much better, it just took several hours and a lot of processing to kick in. I am very relieved. Today I was reading a book called Tell Me No Lies and suddenly remembered some things not related to the affair (but that did come up during the first few months of recovery) that I don't think I totally came clean on. I have already told my wife and will give her the details as soon as she gets home. I'm hoping to feel the same relief of not having to hide anything anymore.

If anyone is out there wondering if it's OK to hide things even if you know your WS could never find out about, I suggest coming clean ASAP. More healing has happened in the last few days than in the last several months combined, and I think we are finally both starting to feel like we'll be able to work through this and move on. They say the truth shall set you free, and they are right.

Good good. Now for a great return on emotional investment, pour that strength back into your wife. This new information has undoubtedly made her again feel like she doesn't know when the next bomb will drop.