Why am I posting this? Not to get critiqued or more ridicule. I am only accountable to my husband and to God, and I am moving forward and living a strong and good life.
I am posting because there is so much hate out there. So much revenge. So much pain. EVEN IF you are a wayward there is pain. The "other woman" often doesn't live a rosy, carefree, punishment-free life. There are consequences for all of us. And sometimes we are hurting too. Sometimes we are also working hard to rebuild our marriages, just like your WH that you support is doing. If you are lurking and hurting, please know that it is ok for you to have pain and feelings too, even though you cheated.
I am also posting this for those of you considering revenge. Revenge only breeds hate. It only creates a bigger hole for everyone to try to climb out of. And your revenge may in fact hurt far more people than you think it will.
I'm also writing to those lurkers who might be horribly broken and only using their affair parters. Some of us actually have TRUE feelings and form REAL attachments. Though you happily kick your AP under the bus to save yourself, you are also damaging another human being. Sure, they cheated too and perhaps deserve what they get. But is that really true? Do APs, especially in LTA, deserve to be lied to and used any more than anyone else who shares your life? Lying is just wrong.
Affairs hurt everyone. There is nobody who is escaping the consequences. And we all have to live with that forever. That is all I want to say.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:24 PM, July 21st (Monday)]
Affairs hurt everyone.
This is very true. I am a WW but also the OW. I was the OW in one exit-A, and I lied to him about my willingness to leave my BH. When push came to shove I was not (and am not) interested in leaving my BH. Under all the lies I told myself about why I thought my marriage wasn't what I wanted, I knew that my BH is the man I have always wanted to be with.
I am only accountable to my husband and to God, and I am moving forward and living a strong and good life.
I will only disagree with this to a point. I believe I owe a responsibility to the OMs BWs. That responsibility is in demanding and enforcing no contact. It is the responsibility of having sent them information and an honest apology for what I have helped do to their marriages.
Ultimately, after that any other obligation I have is to MY BH.
Do I want these women to come after me? No. Would I listen if they called me up to express their disgust, hurt, and hatred? Yes. If they reached out to me, I would. I did participate with a PI interview. I have no way of knowing the fallout. But I was genuine in my responses to him, and I cried, and I told him that the woman he was calling me for SHOULD be angry with me. *shrug*
But, I hear you. I feel great amounts of pain too. I am such a broken person to have gotten here. I want to heal. I want to make good choices, and do the "right" thing.
Hang in there.
My AP's H, *my BFF*, texted me several times (I'm pretty sure drunk) calling me very hateful things. I showed BW and she said, "well, he's hurting too, so don't be mad", or something to that effect.
Well, OK, but I'm human too and don't need to endure that forever. So after a few weeks I told BW I was blocking him. As far as he's concerned his texts are getting through, but I don't have to see them or know about them. I have no idea if he's still texting me or not. Don't want to know. I'm moving on. Yes, I caused this. Yes, I'm sorry about their marriage and what AP did to them too. But at this point, it's about BW and we don't communicate with them at all.
You say you apologized several times. Once would've been enough. Cut off all contact with them. Drop off their radar. If they continue dragging your name through the mud, then there must be some recourse, because you're as deserving of love and respect as the rest of us, despite what you did in the past.
-edited for typos
[This message edited by SelfishHusband at 1:49 PM, July 21st (Monday)]
SelfishHusband, it needs to be a warning to all that it is virtually IMPOSSIBLE to be removed from these cheater sites, most especially the one where I am listed. Even those who spend thousands in legal battles are not always able to get them removed. The site creators go to great lengths to protect themselves. I hate to use thousands in dollars of my husband's money to sue OM's BW, but it may come to that. Edit to say: If the BS posts lies, there is some chance. In my case about half of what she posted is a lie or twisted point of view. But it will be difficult to prove.
This will be on the internet FOREVER. I will never be able to fully move on from this affair, because it will haunt me every single minute. I am a small business owner, and my company will likely have to be closed due to the damage. I am unsure if I will even be able to get a new job since my employers google applicants.
My husband has considered posting similarly about OM so that he feels the same consequences. Or going to his employer, where he would likely lose his job. I don't believe in hate and revenge, and don't want to go this route.
This cheater site is horribly emotionally damaging to BOTH of us, and my husband's pain and the inability to escape all this makes me consider suicide almost every day. My husband's love and not wanting to hurt him further keeps me going.
[This message edited by BecomingMe at 2:17 PM, July 21st (Monday)]
It's true nobody escapes the pain. Knowing I had the ability to stop this situation was the worst reality I had to face. I wish you the best in your healing.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:14 PM, July 21st (Monday)]
[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:15 PM, July 21st (Monday)]
1) Moving. Sure, you put down roots, but it is what it is. Maybe you can still have your business on the other side of the country, etc, but at least you'll be far enough away. Have your mail forwarded to a P.O. Box or something for a while, and then turn that off. Make it so the only people that know where you went are people you trust. I would stay off social media and stop blogging etc. That's most likely going to be a casualty of all this.
2) Name change. I know people who have changed their name legally. I don't have any experience in this area other than that (and maybe those that do can weigh in), but perhaps you could use it like a pen name. Samuel Clemens was known to the world as Mark Twain. So your immediate family and those who you deem trustworthy could know your real name, and everyone else gets to know you as your other name. I'll admit this would probably take some getting used to. But when all else fails and your reputation is forever tarnished beyond repair and you won't be able to stay in business anyway....
Just thinking out loud here and trying to help.
Moving isn't really an option because of my husband's job.
Changing my name - glad you posted that. I have been thinking about it a lot and felt like it was kind of a crazy option. I've always hated my first name though, so maybe it isn't outside the realm of possibilities.
Familyfirst -- my husband is indeed a prince among men. He is the best man I have ever known, and I am thankful for him every day. I didn't cheat because I didn't love him. I unfortunately let physical separation for years and a desire for sex cause me to seek companionship elsewhere.
So are you trying to say that you did not throw your OM under the bus with your BS?
A few things come to mind. Yes being the OP in your APs M sucks. And while we as WS throw our AP under the bus, how can we not expect the AP to do the same?
and BTW YOU WERE A MONSTER TO YOUR APs BS. How can you honestly look at the A and think "why would my AP treat me that way?"
Now that being said, you do not need to put up with slander or harassment. You may want to look into legal action. Especially if there are explicit photos etc. as per the "unanticipated consequences" thread http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=536341 discussing just that. (I have seen you posting in that one)
what hurts the most is that my marriage will be judged and labeled.
Do APs, especially in LTA, deserve to be lied to and used any more than anyone else who shares your life? Lying is just wrong.
Why am I posting this? Not to get critiqued or more ridicule.
All actions have consequences, some are good and some are bad. If we would have looked at the consequences before hand, the majority would have never proceeded. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Fix your Sh!t. stop worryingt about what others think. Or you are going to be heading back down this road.
That is all I want to say.
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
Yeah, stupid me for being naive and trusting my AP, and for loving a broken POS. And did I throw him under the bus? Well, after he betrayed me in countless ways, and continued to lie to his wife, I did respond to one of her many emails. It included one simple sentence: "There were others before me." He led himself to the slaughter as he confessed his 10+ affairs, half a dozen years-long online affairs, and hundreds of other shorter online affairs, as well as his porn and blog addiction.
I didn't come her to be critiqued by this board for my past. Nope. I am well past D-Day and on my way to a better life. My husband and I chose not to dwell on either of our past mistakes and to learn from them and build something better. My post was to inform people that sometimes even the cheater gets used and hurt, and to hopefully get some people to think twice before going down the road of revenge.
I own all I did. I have "confessed" my "sins" to those who matter. I don't need to rehash it with you. I am focusing on what is happening NOW.
Right now I am sexually traumatized, which is severely impacting my marriage. Right now my husband is suffering from the BW's revenge.
I didn't come her to be critiqued by this board for my past.
I am well past D-Day and on my way to a better life. My husband and I chose not to dwell on either of our past mistakes and to learn from them and build something better.
I know you are hurt, but why should that matter? You did this and you do have that title "cheater" but you can change it if that is what you want. When I am healed I want to be able to say "I was a cheater, but not know more because I have fixed my shit." Then I will be who I want to be and not the labels BW or anyone else wants to label me. That will be them. If it really matters, stop looking on the blog, and block any and all communication from them. You are only bringing more pain into your life.
I really hope you see this as helping you and working to what you want, a better life with your BH.
I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!
You are dealing with the fallout of your actions. Yeah, it sucks to be on a cheating website. Yes it would cost thousands of dollars to sue.
But you know what? If you take it to court it becomes public record, its spicy enough to hit the papers and then EVERYONE will hear about it.
About being accountable to you husband and God. Actually when you engage in adultery, you involve more than just your betrayed spouse. You involve the families on both sides. Guess what, you got the wife who was willing to expose you on the internet.
My post was to inform people that sometimes even the cheater gets used and hurt,
Though you happily kick your AP under the bus to save yourself, you are also damaging another human being. Sure, they cheated too and perhaps deserve what they get. But is that really true? Do APs, especially in LTA, deserve to be lied to and used any more than anyone else who shares your life?
We all know that here, but you act surprised. Did you expect to not get hurt when conducting an A with a M man? Did you think you deserve to be treated any better than the BS? No...we don't deserve to be treated like shit because we cheated. But, we don't deserve to be absolved from consequences of being dumped out of an AFFAIR. You seem to be under the illusion still that it was a relationship. It was a lie. His M was the relationship. Your M was the relationship. You are still in "the fog".
Lying is just wrong.
Your posts ring like you feel you had some sort of entitlement to be treated with love and respect while conducting yourself with manipulative actions. You chose to intrude on another wife's M. Did you think you would have any rights? It comes with the territory of living a manipulative lying relationship. He lied to his wife multiple times. Did you really think you were any different and deserved more respect than his wife?
Yeah, stupid me for being naive and trusting my AP, and for loving a broken POS.
You need to stop seeing yourself as a victim. You weren't naive. You chose that lifestyle for a long time and now you are surprised that it didn't have a nice fallout.
It included one simple sentence: "There were others before me." He led himself to the slaughter as he confessed his 10+ affairs, half a dozen years-long online affairs, and hundreds of other shorter online affairs, as well as his porn and blog addiction.
Do you think that since he had MA's that you are any better than him? It only takes one to corrupt your soul.
I am only accountable to my husband and to God
What about to society? What about empathy to others? This statement reeks of entitlement and selfish behavior. I think you know that is not true, but you are scared and hurt so you cope by acting like a petulant child. You do care or you wouldn't be here. This is a brick wall you are putting up to protect yourself.
Sometimes we are also working hard to rebuild our marriages,
Do you really think the BS is going to have sympathy for you. That you are working to rebuild something you destroyed while she is working to rebuild her own relationship that you helped to destroy?
No...none of us deserve to be slandered too. But, stop focusing on the injustice of it all. It was an injustice that you hurt the BS and your husband. You conducted yourself inappropriately and took the chance of involving yourself in the life of a BW that you didn't know if she was capable of handling the fallout with more grace.
I didn't come her to be critiqued by this board for my past.
Don't expect to come here and warn us about the consequences that we never thought of without being called out on your own behavior.
You are never going to heal rug sweeping and playing the victim (even if you are a victim of slander). No one can help you with that anymore than we can turn back the hands of time and make these A's disappear. I sure hope that in time that site will be shut down. As my BW doesn't believe in revenge as well. We can help you to see how your continued behavior/ frame of mind will set you up for further failure if you don't change and dig harder.
This doesn’t mean that I haven’t done the work to figure out why I started and continued my affair. (If you have read my profile you will find a few details.) I have worked every day for 5 months on these issues, and will continue to do so. I rely on my professional therapist to help me, as well as articles and books. Have all our marital issues and pre-A issues been solved? Of course not. But now that everything is on the table, it is a matter of growing and moving forward. Beating a dead horse is not productive. I cannot change the past, and my husband cannot change his actions. We can only go forward.
I also never said that I don't deserve the wrath of the BW. I completely understand her hatred for me. I deeply regret that I never fully considered how my actions would affect her. That doesn't change the situation that I am in as a result of her revenge. I am just sharing my story. To her credit, the BW wrote to my husband and said that she had requested the cheater post be removed. That is likely not going to happen, and the site clearly states that once you submit a story and photo, it will not be removed. The site creator is a BW and is very vindictive toward all cheaters.
Matilda, perhaps you do not fully understand the effects of a cheater website, based on your comments. It isn’t a matter of me reading it or thinking of it and feeling bad about being a cheater. The cheater site is a daily issue of someone else finding it and reading a lot of private details. Do you honestly believe it is necessary for EVERYONE you know now and will meet in the future to know all the details of your affair and your sex life? What about young people – my nieces, nephews, future children I might have? It is really appropriate for them to find that?
Most of all this is hurting my husband horribly. For example, he recently had a family picnic at the new company where he works. We decided for me not to attend. There is a chance that people Google new acquaintances, and my husband is very embarrassed by the cheater website posting, and doesn’t want his coworkers to see it. It is especially damaging to him since it outlines my sexual interests – BDSM and submission/domination. He doesn’t want his family and coworkers to visualize the types of sexual activities we might be doing. He doesn’t want people to judge us without knowing the truth or the background – though we shouldn’t have to be sharing our private life with acquaintances anyway!! As for me, “worrying what people think” is a SERIOUS matter when it comes to employment. Even if I have completely “fixed my shit”, my customers are not going to know or care when they see that post, and my business will suffer. When I go to a job interview, if they Google me, I likely won’t be hired. I also had strange men soliciting sex from me due to the post, and my photo and address is listed online, so I have a bit of paranoia about being raped. If you consider this "playing the victim" then so be it. I consider it to be a violation of my basic human rights to be able to live a safe and productive life, and for my very introverted husband to be able to live his life with privacy and dignity.
Zugzwang, I don't really even want to spend the energy trying to address all your assumptions. No, I never said I thought I was better than my AP for having more affairs- you took my statement out context. I do think I was better in the sense that I never lied to my AP and I never sexually exploited him to the general public. Do you really think that since I was in an affair that I deserved to unknowingly have naked photos of myself posted online by the OM while he broadcasted our sex life thousands of people, while convincing me that he loved me? Really? Well maybe you should look at yourself and your own version of "empathy to others."
I guess some of you just won't understand what this is like unless you have to face it yourself. I really hope you don't have to go through it -- that is the main reason I joined this forum. To let my mistakes and consequences serve as a warning to others.
that is the main reason I joined this forum. To let my mistakes and consequences serve as a warning to others
The problem is, you're warning the wrong people. My interpretation is, you're warning BS not to seek revenge on the OP. And/or not to out the AP. Did I get that right?
You delivered your warning. So now what? Hopefully you will stay and listen, learn, and contribute. You're hurting, your BH is hurting, that is valid and understandable. But when you come into Wayward Side and say "read my profile," and your profile says that AP manipulated and abused you, but you loved him and are grateful for the sexual growth you experienced? Seems you regret the consequences of your choices, but not the actual behavior. So, yeah, sorry, but you might get "critiqued" for that, and rightfully so. We're here to support you in your recovery, but this is the E.R. When you come in bleeding profusely from a head wound, we're gonna ignore you when you insist we bandage your broken toe first.
Since this statement really bothered some of you, I will try to discuss a little more. One main goal in my IC and life is to set boundaries. To try not to feel responsible to others. To try not to let others pull me in to doing things that I don't want to do, or that I shouldn't be doing. This was a big reason for this statement. Part of building my strength is to learn that it doesn't matter how others see me, if I am living an authentic life.
When I decided to post here, I had to set a boundary for myself that there would be private details I didn't want to share. This caused me to come across as defensive.
I also DO feel accountable for my actions to others, but what I meant was that I have already apologized to BW and to some of my family. That is all the obligation I have at this point. My obligation from here forward is to my husband.
Also, you have to keep in mind that I am not "new" to all this. I have been in IC, reading here and healing for a while. I'm just jumping in at a different point and choosing not to share all the beginning process with SI.
I knew from lurking here that I would get the bashing for the "love" profession. But if I am going to live my life authentically, I am not going to lie about my feelings and beliefs. I think it is possible to love more than one person in a lifetime. I don't think that it is necessary to healing and remorse to convince myself and this board that I never loved him and it was some illusion. I think if you are with someone for 6 years and don't care about them then you have a lot more severe issues than if you did honestly care about them! I am full of grief that it all caused a lot of people so much pain, but I just can't lie about what happened. I still think my OM is a good human being underneath it all and I hope someday he is able to work through all his issues as well.
[This message edited by BecomingMe at 4:19 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]