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Ex is now witholding consent for kids to go to counseling

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minniegal posted 7/21/2014 12:25 PM

I'm getting so freakin annoyed at his need to control everything.
We talked about therapy for the kids in May - during MC and he agreed. I started looking for a therapist then and was put on a wait list with the one that came highly recommended by our doctor and a couple of friends. I asked him about coverage under his benefits and he said it was covered as long as she is registered with psychology board - she is.

And now that I need him to sign the letter of consent (just for the youngest) that I gave him over a week ago - he's decided that he's not sure they really need it. WTF!!! Their first appointment is this evening and he's screwing around. So ticked off!! He called DS13 and asked him if he "wanted" to go because then he wouldn't sign the letter for me just because I wanted him to go. DS13 said he wanted to go in and meet her and decide if she's nice and if he wants to talk to her. So he said ok - I won't sign it since you don't think you need therapy. REALLY?? That's for a 13yo to decide?

DS13 texts him back and tells him to sign it so he can go and now he's ignoring his calls.

I'll have to call the dr and see if we can reschedule. good luck with that happening anytime soon - we JUST managed to squeeze into a cancellation and will likely not get in again until the end of the summer. I really wanted them in through the summer while they are off school.

CRAP!!

brokeninfl posted 7/21/2014 12:28 PM

Do you know what's behind his withdrawal of consent?

Is it all about control? Is it money? Not trusting therapist?

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I would be frustrated beyond belief.

DepressedDaddy posted 7/21/2014 12:41 PM

So sorry you have to deal with his bullshit. As a therapist myself, I can offer two options.

First, ask the therapist to give him a call to discuss the need for counseling. He has less opportunity to hold it over your head as a power move if talking with the therapist directly.

Second, send him a brief direct message that says, "DS/DD needs to talk to someone so they can process what is happening. Please allow DS/DD this opportunity so they can not let it affect their lives more than it needs to. We will both have access to the therapist and can stop in the future if DS/DD no longer needs that service."

As a side note, if you are in the midst of D planning, make sure you are the one that is allowed to make "medical decisions." My STBX and I are amicable and working on a collaborative D, but our Ls recommended that we take the big four areas (education, medical, extracurricular and religious) and designate a "tie-breaker" in each of those situations; therefore minimizing the need to go to mediation if there is a disagreement. Although we will have 50/50 legal/physical custody overall, one parent will always be the tie-breaker in these areas. If medical is most important, then make sure you are listed as the sole custodial decision-maker in that area.

Sorry again

ButterflyGirl posted 7/21/2014 12:51 PM

our Ls recommended that we take the big four areas (education, medical, extracurricular and religious) and designate a "tie-breaker" in each of those situations; therefore minimizing the need to go to mediation if there is a disagreement. Although we will have 50/50 legal/physical custody overall, one parent will always be the tie-breaker in these areas. If medical is most important, then make sure you are listed as the sole custodial decision-maker in that area.

This is what I have in our parenting plan. We have "shared" custody, but I am the tiebreaker for all 4 of the issues listed above, education, medical, extracurricular and religious.

During the divorce, when I thought he could said no to them going to counseling, I stopped asking him for his half of the co-payments, just so he wouldn't care one way or the other about counseling.. He bashed it all the time (and still does) saying it's a worthless waste of time. It was only $20 a week for his half, but he would put up a stink over a fucking nickle..

If you go to trial, just remember this is another check in your column for who is putting the best interest of the KIDS first.

I would ask for a pardon instead of permission here and just take my son to the appointment..

IrishGirlVA posted 7/21/2014 13:45 PM

You know, I bet this is more about self preservation than it is control. He believes that if he signs that consent form he is basically admitting his screwed up his children.

Which he probably did! But god forbid he admit it.

What a jerk off!

And yeah, yhere is some control mixed in there too.

((minniegal & kids))

Gemini71 posted 7/21/2014 13:48 PM

I am so made on your kids' behalf. Typical NPD behavior being more concerned with power plays and saving face than the well being of the kids!

Kajem posted 7/21/2014 17:56 PM

I took them anyway. He refused permission, as a result he didn't have to pay. It was easier to do that than deal with my kids being suicidal.

Hugs,
K

minniegal posted 7/21/2014 22:25 PM

It was all about control. Unfreakinbelievable!!

He sent an email back saying that he didn't like being told what to do and wanted to be given time to talk to the boys about what they want because I can't assume therapy is good for them. Um...you moved out at the end of April...this was discussed with you during our last MC session in May and you were in agreement with it then...it's your benefit coverage so you were given details and the referrals from the family dr and DS13's teacher in June...it's now nearly the end of July. How much more notice to you need to have a "talk" with your kids?

He ended up sending the signed consent 1/2 hour before the appointment after I sent one more email. I used your worded suggestion DepressedDaddy and added that he should contact the dr directly if he had any questions. She will be contacting him at some point anyways.

The appointment went well. Both boys went in together and then the eldest used most of the hour for himself (I'm glad though - I think she realized he didn't really want to be there so it may be tough getting him to go again). The next appointment is booked for DS13 and I'll try to keep him going once a month or as need be. I'm not seeing any negative behaviours with him, just typical 13yo attitude rears it's head every so often, but he's been very quiet. I just really want him to have someone to talk to - at least until I know he's gotten some of his worries off his shoulders.

This really is tough on kids. As much as you want to protect them and reassure them that everything will work out ok - there are no guarantees. They don't want to take it out on the parent that has been betrayed because they see and feel the pain they are already going through and they don't want to blame to parent that betrayed the family because they are afraid of losing their relationship with them too. Ugh..so much damage!!

DepressedDaddy posted 7/22/2014 04:53 AM

I'm happy that he got his head out of his ass and made the right decision. Hopefully, your DSs will get some great benefit from the time with the therapist.

minniegal posted 7/23/2014 13:16 PM

brief email this morning from the idiot

"I spoke with 13yo about his visit to the therapist and he said it went very well. Iím glad."

Well as long as YOU'RE happy...that's what it's all about.

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