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Does WS think about A too?

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ihatehim posted 7/21/2014 13:00 PM

I have the constant daily thoughts, nightmares & I'm almost 2 years from DDay. I picture graphic details about what their sexual encounters were like, I replay the text messages they sent to each other daily, she is cute and that bothers me as well. I think I'm "crazy". When I ask WH if he thinks about it he says no, he cared about her bc it was a year long but he didn't love her (even though he told her he did) and she is erased from his mind. I get angry bc I don't think there is NO WAY he doesn't think about the affair & I just want him to be honest with me! Does anyone else's WS say they don't think about the A or ow? I don't know what to believe...

bionicgal posted 7/21/2014 13:07 PM

I think you are asking two different questions. Does the WS think of the AP, and does he think of AP fondly. For my H, occasionally he'll be reminded of her by something, but it isn't in a reminiscing way. He doesn't like her "intruding" into our lives.

I think most male waywards spend about .001% of the time thinking about the AP as their females BSes do, to be honest. For most of them, once the fog clears, it is o.v.e.r.

ihatehim posted 7/21/2014 13:12 PM

Thanks for the reply. Let me clear it up...I know he doesn't think of her fondly bc after I found out she put both of us through hell. I think about the A/her 75% of my day. So I wonder if he thinks about her at all..like when we are having sex or when we do things that they have done together, or like me...it just pops up!

seethelight posted 7/21/2014 13:20 PM

Does anyone else's WS say they don't think about the A or ow? I don't know what to believe...

To answer this question you can ask yourself how often you think of a former boyfriend whom you CARED for.

I think it would be foolish to believe that our waywards never think of the OW.

They likely think of them less than we think, but they likely do think of them from time to time.

This bothers me, too, because I saw all the emails and texts between the Ow and My wayward, and they seemed to be very intimate and romantic with each other.

It may have been a fantasy relationship for the two, but why wouldn't the fantasy be replayed in their minds from time to time.

I don't think they will ever admit to it when asked, though.

TheIrishGirl posted 7/21/2014 13:25 PM

So my response is colored by my experience- 3 mos out from DDay. He had 4 years of intermittent inappropriate online contact with various women, including cybersex with most of them. The last OW he 'spoke' with for 3 months (the longest of any of them).

He says he never thinks of them. He'll think of that period in his life, and what else was going on, and how he should have handled it better. He'll think of how what he did has created such a fallout in our M, he'll think of how he needs to be better and do better.

Some of those thoughts are an outcome of the A, but he swears up and down that he doesn't think of the OW, or the things they said to each other at all. I'm prone to believe him because he has given brutally honest answers to a lot of other questions. But I think it's easier for him to not think about them because no individual one lasted all that long, and he never physically met them.

TheIrishGirl posted 7/21/2014 13:27 PM

I hit post too soon.

Also, do you think of you X's very often? Ever while you're in bed with your H? Mine cross my mind occasionally, but really not that much. And our X's aren't a source of shame & embarrassment. The AP is, so you're motivated not to think about it as the WS.

BrokenButTrying posted 7/21/2014 13:53 PM

Hi, WW here.

Do I think about the A? Yes of course, every day. We're seven months out from his Dday and I identify mainly as a wayward. I think about it every few minutes. It's strange, I don't think about the A in itself but the consequences of it, if that makes sense? I am very proactive in my healing so I am constantly reading, checking my boundaries, practicing mindfulness etc etc. So my healing process from my A is what I think about, constantly, all day every day and I doubt that will ever change.

Do I think about the AP? No, never. It wasn't about him so he is insignificant.

MissesJai posted 7/21/2014 14:01 PM

I get angry bc I don't think there is NO WAY he doesn't think about the affair & I just want him to be honest with me!
Well, what makes you think he's not being truthful about it? If he's been truthful and transparent about everything else, and I'm assuming that includes the ugly stuff, why wouldn't he be truthful with you about this? I know this seems like a stupid question given his history, but I prefer to stay in the present. Could it be that you want him to think what you're thinking, feel what you're feeling, and do what you're doing, each & every time? If so, you're pushing a boulder up-hill and you should stop immediately. You are only setting yourself up for endless disappointments. Let me ask you this - if he had said yes, what would you have done?

LadyLove posted 7/21/2014 16:19 PM

My WH tells me he never thinks of AP unless I ask him something that pertains to her, and even then he doesn't like to think and remember anything about her.. says it disgusts him. He says when he thinks of his A he thinks in terms of how much he hurt me and the damage it has wreaked on our marriage. He says he doesn't think fondly of her or the A, he says all he feels is disgust at what he did...

whattheh posted 7/21/2014 16:32 PM

My fWH never thinks about A or OW unless I bring it up. OW put thim thru hell with blackmail and threats and then us both thru hell after OW sent me texts and pics. I believe that he has repressed the A and its aftermath to protect himself. He answered questions when I asked thruout the process and I clearly understand he grew to hate and despise OW.

I know I prefer not to think about things I've done or mistakes I've made so I believe he doesn't think about A or OW. He has agreed to tell me if he ever has any thoughts or memories about it. Sometimes I would even ask if he had anything to tell me. So I believe him about this but I don't totally understand it.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:35 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

ihatehim posted 7/21/2014 19:00 PM

Thanks everyone, these responses helped me gain new insight. I guess I didn't believe him bc they seemed so "in love" but on the other hand he dropped her like a rock when I found out.
I really don't think about my ex's much...maybe 1. I repressed the thoughts of them. One of them purely makes me nauseas. So I guess he could feel the same way. I too suffer from PTSD & anxiety. After reading your posts...I told him today it helps if he didn't just respond "no", but if he tells me what he IS feeling & thinking about. It would help me feel like he is more remorseful & humble about the situation...restarting counseling again.

runningtothrive posted 7/21/2014 21:50 PM

The responses have helped me too and I feel better after reading them. Like other BS, I'm consumed with thoughts of the A, night and day. If my fWH says something even remotely associated with the A, I give him a dirty look like, I can't believe he just said something so insensitive. But this thread has made me realize that he can say those things because he's not thinking of the A and re-living it constantly like I am.

It was helpful when seethelight asked how often do we BS reminisce about former BFs. For me at least, not at all!

If I'm in a good mood, I can ask myself what do my fWH's actions today say? They say he's thinking of me, prioritizing me, helping me and our marriage these days. As difficult as reconciliation is, he's here pushing through it at my side. This is something I continually have to remind myself.

peaceBmine posted 7/21/2014 21:57 PM

LadyLove and Whattheh....I felt like I was readj g my husband's words. He only think of OW when I bring it up...oh, how I wish I could do that.

overandone posted 7/22/2014 08:13 AM

from LadyLove ...My WH tells me he never thinks of AP unless I ask him something that pertains to her, and even then he doesn't like to think and remember anything about her.. says it disgusts him. He says when he thinks of his A he thinks in terms of how much he hurt me and the damage it has wreaked on our marriage. He says he doesn't think fondly of her or the A, he says all he feels is disgust at what he did...

Puts it perfectly. And for someone who was a genius compartmentaliser, never felt romantically involved in his LTA partner (as confirmed by e-mails), finished it himself and repeatedly told her it wasn't going to start up again, I think he's telling the truth.

Lostcat posted 7/22/2014 15:43 PM

WW here. In the very beginning (when my head was still in the "fog" I did.) since we have been R it's different. Now I think about the A a lot, really a lot. Why I did it, the pain and trouble I caused, how I can make myself a better person. It's more feelings of regret and remorse.

Honestly I do think about OM sometimes but it's in quite a detached way - not in an I miss him way at all. And certainly not during sex.

SecondHelping posted 7/22/2014 21:19 PM

My fWW says he doesn't and "can't afford" to think about the AP or A. She says she only thinks about it when I bring it up too.

The think I don't get is she says she 'would like to appologize to him for getting him into this mess'. I don't know how to take this. She says she isn't going to break NC but that's the only thing she wishes she would have done before NC.

On the other hand, I still think of the A, emails and mind movies dozens of times a day. Some days less...some days more.

Time Ticks On posted 7/22/2014 21:31 PM

My husband says he doesn't and didn't unless I brought it up. When I did it made him feel extremely ashamed. He didn't get good memories . He said the first thing he sees when the affair is brought up is the pain on my face on dday and knowing he put it there.

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