I think most male waywards spend about .001% of the time thinking about the AP as their females BSes do, to be honest. For most of them, once the fog clears, it is o.v.e.r.
Does anyone else's WS say they don't think about the A or ow? I don't know what to believe...
To answer this question you can ask yourself how often you think of a former boyfriend whom you CARED for.
I think it would be foolish to believe that our waywards never think of the OW.
They likely think of them less than we think, but they likely do think of them from time to time.
This bothers me, too, because I saw all the emails and texts between the Ow and My wayward, and they seemed to be very intimate and romantic with each other.
It may have been a fantasy relationship for the two, but why wouldn't the fantasy be replayed in their minds from time to time.
I don't think they will ever admit to it when asked, though.
He says he never thinks of them. He'll think of that period in his life, and what else was going on, and how he should have handled it better. He'll think of how what he did has created such a fallout in our M, he'll think of how he needs to be better and do better.
Some of those thoughts are an outcome of the A, but he swears up and down that he doesn't think of the OW, or the things they said to each other at all. I'm prone to believe him because he has given brutally honest answers to a lot of other questions. But I think it's easier for him to not think about them because no individual one lasted all that long, and he never physically met them.
Also, do you think of you X's very often? Ever while you're in bed with your H? Mine cross my mind occasionally, but really not that much. And our X's aren't a source of shame & embarrassment. The AP is, so you're motivated not to think about it as the WS.
Do I think about the A? Yes of course, every day. We're seven months out from his Dday and I identify mainly as a wayward. I think about it every few minutes. It's strange, I don't think about the A in itself but the consequences of it, if that makes sense? I am very proactive in my healing so I am constantly reading, checking my boundaries, practicing mindfulness etc etc. So my healing process from my A is what I think about, constantly, all day every day and I doubt that will ever change.
Do I think about the AP? No, never. It wasn't about him so he is insignificant.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
I get angry bc I don't think there is NO WAY he doesn't think about the affair & I just want him to be honest with me!
I know I prefer not to think about things I've done or mistakes I've made so I believe he doesn't think about A or OW. He has agreed to tell me if he ever has any thoughts or memories about it. Sometimes I would even ask if he had anything to tell me. So I believe him about this but I don't totally understand it.
[This message edited by whattheh at 4:35 PM, July 21st (Monday)]
It was helpful when seethelight asked how often do we BS reminisce about former BFs. For me at least, not at all!
If I'm in a good mood, I can ask myself what do my fWH's actions today say? They say he's thinking of me, prioritizing me, helping me and our marriage these days. As difficult as reconciliation is, he's here pushing through it at my side. This is something I continually have to remind myself.
Puts it perfectly. And for someone who was a genius compartmentaliser, never felt romantically involved in his LTA partner (as confirmed by e-mails), finished it himself and repeatedly told her it wasn't going to start up again, I think he's telling the truth.
Honestly I do think about OM sometimes but it's in quite a detached way - not in an I miss him way at all. And certainly not during sex.
The think I don't get is she says she 'would like to appologize to him for getting him into this mess'. I don't know how to take this. She says she isn't going to break NC but that's the only thing she wishes she would have done before NC.
On the other hand, I still think of the A, emails and mind movies dozens of times a day. Some days less...some days more.
What doesn't kill me, scars me.