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CelticMomma posted 7/21/2014 13:01 PM

On July 2, 2014 I had to use my Husbands iPad to get the new password for our AT&T account. I opened and messages was up and I saw a number with no name which is unusual so I clicked! I found out that June 16th he contacted a prostitute on craigslist and then met her the next night and paid $100. Supposedly for a hand job. I questioned him and he made a few different stories up of course! We'll I contacted the prostitute and warned her of all I would do including her losing her rental home if she did not tell me what went down. Yes I am a major B... Any way she said she honestly doesn't remember to much but if it's who she thinks then he was a quickie! They had 10 minute protected sex and he left. Now I don't think she has a reason to lie but yet my husband has stood his ground that is was a hand job only, a very expensive hand job! I don't know who to believe.
We went to wildwood for Father's Day weekend for vacation and I decided to stay 2 days extra, he went home because he had to work. In those 2 days he was drinking and got a prostitute. He ruined my vacation and all good memories of Wildwood because of this.
Here is the kicker, he is 34 and never watches porn, never master bates and isn't really into sex or kinky. Just had full blood work up because of that and found he had low testosterone, really low! Which backs up that he said he doesn't know why he did it, he was lonely and missed me! Yet he said she was fat, tattooed and nasty with glasses but was able to get it up and finish! This hurts me so bad just as everyone on here understands. This is recent and so very very fresh and I'm just lost. One other kick is I'm now 2 months pregnant! This will be my third child but first with him. I have 2 sons ages 19 and 13, the older one is away at College most of the time and they both look to him as their Dad. He supports us in every way and has even went as far as to sign a legal contract that if I decide to divorce because of this he will continue to pay all that he pays now. Yes I consulted a lawyer 2 days after I found out and my husband willingly signed the document. I'm financially secure and he is letting me check and question everything and I shove it in his face whenever I am reminded and he takes it with no fight and apologizes every time but it doesn't stop the pain.
This is not the man I married! I married this innocent sweet good hearted man, no one in his family or my family believed it when I made him tell them! They all thought is was a joke until he started crying about how badly he screwed up. Yes the sincerity is there but it doesn't stop the pain or make me trust him. I am completely hurt and lost.
I am soon to be 39 and he is 34, we have been together 2 1/2 years and married for less then 8 months.
I read a post and started crying and quickly signed up as I really don't have anyone to talk to.
I am trying to work things out with him as I am still in shock because this is honestly not who he is and he has jumped to do all I asked. But the bottom line is he cheated and broke my heart, he put me back in time with my ex and when I found out he had cheated numerous times, which is a place I swore I would never be in. I became independent and worked my butt off to buy my own home and cars all by myself! I just left my job about 6 months ago as he wanted me to stay home and focus on our family.
Ok done rambling.

Rubix posted 7/21/2014 13:21 PM

Yes. I can relate to this Celtic. My H also was in craigslist, and it took me back in time with my ex, to when I found out he used to flirt and cheat. Also, I do not think you are a bitch. My H is also doing everything I've asked and who I thought was so loving and caring and sweet. Did lots to help me and my DD. But the pain doesn't stop. You're not alone! Lots of lovely people on here to give advice and help. Sorry for your pain honey. (((celticMomma)))

1Faith posted 7/21/2014 13:28 PM

Dear Celtic

I don't know who to believe

Rarely, if ever, does the WS confess everything upon discovery. It is too hard for them to face the truth. He most likely is minimizing.

Ask yourself what is the likelihood of there being other hook ups as well.

For now, please take good care of you.

The shock of infidelity can cause PTSD. It takes such a heavy toll on the betrayed. What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal. Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all.

Please note that there is no fast tracking healing. You will resent him and you should. He betrayed you.

Don't stuff down your feelings to make things "okay" as they will just erupt further down the road. Be honest with yourself, your feelings and your husband.

Your WH needs to get into IC to do some serious soul searching on why he allowed himself to make a conscious choice to cheat.

Please remember - it is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.

You start by taking a deep breath. Collecting your thoughts and defining your boundaries.

Good luck and know we are here for you. You will be okay, I promise.

Good luck and prayers.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:28 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

CelticMomma posted 7/21/2014 14:21 PM

Thank you Rubix and 1Faith, it's good to know others understand and are able to give advice without prejudice.
I understand the pain of the betrayal is unbearable at times and I try to focus on positive things but we all know the mind wonders as even little things can be associated with what my WS has done.
I have thought about everything from day one when we met and I can't see him having the time to have done more, I hope I'm right but there is always a chance that I'm wrong. This man only leaves the home to Goto work, once he's done work we do everything together. Sometimes I found it annoying and have always told him he is clingy and needy like a child and he has always replied the same way! I hate being alone, I hate being without the love of my life! Sounds cheesy now but it always made me smile. Plus he said if he wanted to be alone he wouldn't have married me! First marriage for both of us! He lived with his Mom before moving with me. His parents divorced and has always lived with one of them and has never been alone. Guess he has issues there big time. I left him alone for 2 days and he screwed up all on his own. Marriage means you should have trust and know that you married for love.
Bottom line comes down to the old line, if you want to be with someone else then be respectable and exit the relationship you are in. The partner is the one who pays the highest price because the cheater will never understand how badly the pain is or how deep it runs.
As for whether it was sex or hand job, one doesn't make it better then the other! He paid a prostitute to touch what was mine!
I had 6 guys lined up to sleep with and I told him, he said he deserves it and told me it would hurt him but he would be there hoping and waiting for me to come home. He's lucky my vows mean everything to me. I could go on and on....

deena04 posted 7/21/2014 14:23 PM

Oh, I am so sorry. Take care of you and read in the Healing Library on the left of the screen here. There are tons of great articles and tons of great people here. Get STD testing ASAP, demand it of him, and eat, sleep, and try to function. You don't have to make decisions yet, but start protecting yourself.

norabird posted 7/21/2014 14:33 PM

I'm so sorry. You seem to know this, but don't try to get 'even' or make him pay, or get validation yourself, by having a Revenge Affair. Focus on yourself for now.

cissi posted 7/21/2014 14:55 PM

Did he have the full workup before the prostitute or after? If before, did the doctor give him testosterone supplementation?

Rubix posted 7/21/2014 15:39 PM

Yes. Sometimes I see everything reminding me. My H apparently never "physically cheated" according to him, but spoke of meeting with people and swapped pictures. Just remember non of this is your fault. You sound very similar to me, as does your marriage. Try not to let him guilt you either. The fact he was even in that site in the first place is horrible enough.

CelticMomma posted 7/21/2014 16:00 PM

Thank you Deena04, NoraBird, and cissi!
He had a full work up two weeks after the d-day and is currently waiting for his testoterone meds to be shipped! God only knows what that will cause?
We both went to get check up for std's even with all the "I swears" . Both clean but will be checked again down the road as certain items don't appear as quick as others. I have informed my OB doctor, embarrassing but important. My doctor just said "oh" and said we will run extra tests.
I went on Craigslist because I wanted him to feel the pain I'm feeling! I couldn't do it of course, the guys were omg hot but I love my husband. I just wish there was a way for the WS to feel the pain they have caused.
Wish I could just erase it and move on....

Being on here and all the literature is plenty helpful!! I still have my son to take care of and I am still keeping my daily schedule as if things have not changed, I find that doing so keeps me calm. Plus napping a lot more, don't know if it's from pregnancy or from depression? Maybe a combo?
I've only been aware of what happened for two weeks, things are still the same as if it didn't and don't know it that is good or bad. He has done everything I have asked for and continues to do whatever I say and let's me snap on him whenever I'm reminded of it. We have had talks, so many talks just because I have thought of something or just felt the need to go over the story again checking for a slip. I guess tomorrow will keep coming and I have found this Great site to help me get past this and support me with whatever decision I come to. I have a lawyer and have made sure I can boot him anytime but I love him and hope that I can get past this with support and cooperation.
Holding on to hope!

CelticMomma posted 7/21/2014 16:10 PM

Rubix, I can see all he has on his iPhone as I took over his iPad and it's linked to see everything! I know if he honestly wants to cheat there are plenty of ways but I don't think he will or at least I have hope that there no reason. His issue of being left home alone will not happen again and I know that this is all him, he screwed up so badly.
I do have one thing that I laugh at.. He is so nieve that he sent his picture to the prostitute as to make sure there was an attraction? She was cold and said as long as your cash is real you will get what you want! That's like me asking my OB if my privates are nice enough for her to manage my pregnancy..lol

Not defending anything he has done because he did something horrible and we both know it's all him! I just want to add that he is the book smart type, no street smarts what so ever. His dumb innocence is one of the reasons I married him but the innocence is gone now. He paid a prostitute to take that virginity!

Skan posted 7/21/2014 16:51 PM

Hey, if you can find something to laugh at, go for it. Humor is sometimes the only thing that gets us through the day!

I would strongly, strongly suggest that you demand that your WH sees a councilor about his need to be overly dependent. First living only with parents and now, you are gone for two days and he needs "contact" so badly that he justifies taking your marital funds to go hire a hooker? You cannot commit to being with him each and every night of your life and frankly, you shouldn't. He needs to get to the bottom of WHY he thought that hiring a whore was an acceptable idea. For your sake and for his.

1Faith posted 7/21/2014 17:04 PM

Celtic

His issue of being left home alone will not happen again

Of course for now, do whatever you need to do to feel like you can manage through this. But long term you don't want to have to be his babysitter.

In time your WS will need to earn your trust back little by little.

He needs to get to the bottom of WHY he thought that hiring a whore was an acceptable idea

^^^This says it all for now. Without this understanding you will always wonder and worry.

(((hugs)))

determinata posted 7/21/2014 17:46 PM

CelticMomma,
I just want to say I am so sorry this has happened to you. I wanted to reply quickly even though I can't be as detailed as I would like. My story is very similar in terms of having a clingy husband who hired a prostitute. I was shocked because I thought he was pretty much always with me or at work. I was shocked because he "never" masturbated or looked at porn. I thought he needed me as much as I needed him. It turns out that he hired many more prostitutes than initially disclosed--including when he was supposed to be at work. He also drove around in his car looking for streetwalkers. He advertised for bj's in his car. He brought prostitutes back to our apartment when he was home and I was at work and didn't tell me this fact for six years AFTER DDay. And all of the sex we weren't having was due to the fact that he was chronically masturbating and finding ingenious ways to access pornography without me knowing--- throwaway phone; masturbating to the American Apparel website; buying print porn and hiding it in his trunk; watching Netflix and rewinding to the sex scenes in R rated movies over and over again. And all of this was after DDay. It was after years of IC and MC that these masturbatory behaviors and lying about the number of prostitutes, the amount of money and the type of sex acts has continued. I just found out a few weeks ago that my husband was performing oral sex on prostitutes. And so for $100, I doubt that your husband just had a b/j. I actually spoke to a prostitute my husband saw. He and she both swore that they had intercourse and she performed oral sex on him. He told me only recently that he also performed oral sex on her---and then came home to see me directly afterwards, since he was supposed to be at work, doing overtime.

To this day, he is still trickle-truthing. Men like my husband (and possibly yours) are unfillable voids of entitlement, narcissism and longing for attention because they have not coped with childhood trauma in a healthy way. They sometimes pretend to be innocent, helpless or dependent as a way of manipulating women into giving them the attention, devotion and sex that they want. That is not love. It's not even codependence. It's a severe personality disorder that is really hard to fix. Your H is going to need to be in IC and you are too. This is very traumatizing, especially when you are pregnant. I hope this was a one-time thing, but honestly and gently, it probably is the first of a series of revelations. Again, I'm not trying to foist my fate off on you but I really wish that at my initial DDay I had known how unlikely it was that I was getting the whole truth--it would have saved me years of pain and false hope.

My husband is not evil and yours probably is not either. But what I have come to understand is that anyone who is not only having sex outside of M but who is taking family resource$ to pay for sex with people who are disease vectors is an emotionally high risk person with disordered thinking.

Believe in yourself. You are strong enough to get through this. But don't necessarily believe everything your husband is telling you.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

[This message edited by determinata at 5:59 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

peaceBmine posted 7/21/2014 18:28 PM

PLEASE don't take what I'm saying as any excuse...there is NO excuse. But, just wanted you to know that extremely low testosterone is a serious issue for men. Men can choose to "self medicate" from both low-T and the depression that can be caused. Again, NO EXCUSE...just very much a fact that is worth examining. So sorry you are here.

CelticMomma posted 7/22/2014 06:24 AM

Wow all the responses have opened my eyes wide and I'm grateful for people saying exactly what needs to be said instead of just tip toeing around! I want the straight to the point talk and this is what I'm getting here and for that I thank you ALL!!!
I would like to start with the low T, he will be getting his meds today. I distribute his meds and have control of the money now as before I did question why he took 100 out the bank and got some dumb excuse. I always keep track of funds as that was my job, account specialist! I have never seen any other missing or questionable funds. I have his work schedule as I coordinate supplies for his job, it's just part time work that keeps me busy and it's boring..lol I know everyone he works with and can see everywhere his work truck goes as they are covered by gps. I do know that if someone wants to cheat there is always a way, not blind on that.
Old times don't change, we stay on FaceTime most of the day. The time he had alone was when I was away and told him firmly that I wanted to enjoy my vacation without him up my butt! He did what he did on his own free will and there is no reason that can condone what he did. If he was so hurt or alone he could have called and told me he couldn't handle being alone and I would have came home, instead he chose a prostitute. I have accepted that I will never get a straight answer as to why and even if I did it wouldn't make it right.

He has now agreed to therapy twice a week, once as a couple and one solo. We found a male so he will be comfortable and so I will not have thoughts that he is doing her..ha ha
I'm doing much better but there is one step forward and two steps back moments as I'm sure everyone has been there or understands.

CelticMomma posted 7/22/2014 07:01 AM

A little of his background to shed some light.

His father married high school sweetheart right out of school, he is first child, two years later mom was pregnant with second child when dad cheated! His Mom divorced and his Dad remarried the tramp he cheated with. His Dad gave him a step brother who overdosed on drugs and died and a half sister who is a waste of life. His Step Mom treated him like dirt but gave his Dad what he deserved after 17 years! His step mom cheated with a young stud and then took his Father to the bank in the divorce! She got the house, money and half of his pension! That woman he cheated with is now set for life! His dad got his just desert as I see it. His Father is remarried to a very nice woman and I think he is in a good place now and is close to his son as he has always been as his father favors him over his sister since he wasn't around when she was born. His fathers family did not talk to his father for 17 years while he was married with the other woman as his family was ashamed and sided with my husbands mother! As for his Mother, from what I see she never recovered because she never moved on or dated after the divorce and currently lives alone and single.
I don't much care for his family as they all seem to act like they are on Prozac and would never curse, I on the other hand was born and raised in a place where cursing was a way of life and sex jokes were hilarious! His family and him don't understand any sex jokes and that's weird! His sister has been trying to have a baby but she also has a problem with hormones making it almost impossible as she has been told. His family is a hot mess and all he craves is a real family as he has stated, of course I have told him he had it but messed it up just like his father.
These are all the things we will be putting out in the open in therapy. I think the low T level 214 comes from his fathers as he has had issues and takes testosterone.

Right now I am at the point where I see he is a good man that has make an atrocious mistake and he needs to look deep inside to figure out why. Therapy will take time but I see he is willing to do anything to keep this family.

After reading everything I have searched high and low and have even went into the deep coding of all our electronics to find any trace of porn or just anything off! Only thing I found Is that my son is into animated porn, Chinese girls mostly which I wish I didn't see...lol and yes I'm sure it's my 19 year old sons as he is home from college and time matches. I now know why he fell hard for his ex, she was Asian.....lol my son cheated on her tho.... Does it mean he's a cheater since he did so while in his last year of High School? Ahhh forget that question, I don't want to look at anyone else's issues other then the ones at the moment.
I am going to be 39 at the end of the month and geez I have been threw just about everything, my b-day wish is to have one day where I can take things at face value without wondering. Things have changed, I have given my brother all my guns so I don't shoot him and so he can't take the easy way out. I want some normalcy back in my life. I know it's still fresh but I just keep praying that I can have a nice simple day! I have taken on this detective mode and I'm tired, it's exhausting. I'm taking a nice nap now and going to have wonderful dreams for the next two hours!

Thank you all for listening to my rants and for helping me with all this! Thank you for opening my eyes, I feel like you all have my back. I would rather know the possibilities good or bad!

CelticMomma posted 7/22/2014 07:10 AM

Is there a link for all the abbreviations ?

BrokenDoe posted 7/22/2014 17:03 PM

So sorry for your pain

I did not even know what cragslist was until two weeks ago when my husband told me he had met a women off there. And found out he had cheated on me with two women. And I am Nine months pregnant.

I am sorry for your pain and I send you hugs.

1Faith posted 7/22/2014 17:25 PM

abbreviations

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp