I don't know who to believe
Rarely, if ever, does the WS confess everything upon discovery. It is too hard for them to face the truth. He most likely is minimizing.
Ask yourself what is the likelihood of there being other hook ups as well.
For now, please take good care of you.
The shock of infidelity can cause PTSD. It takes such a heavy toll on the betrayed. What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal. Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all.
Please note that there is no fast tracking healing. You will resent him and you should. He betrayed you.
Don't stuff down your feelings to make things "okay" as they will just erupt further down the road. Be honest with yourself, your feelings and your husband.
Your WH needs to get into IC to do some serious soul searching on why he allowed himself to make a conscious choice to cheat.
Please remember - it is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.
You start by taking a deep breath. Collecting your thoughts and defining your boundaries.
Good luck and know we are here for you. You will be okay, I promise.
Good luck and prayers.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:28 PM, July 21st (Monday)]
Being on here and all the literature is plenty helpful!! I still have my son to take care of and I am still keeping my daily schedule as if things have not changed, I find that doing so keeps me calm. Plus napping a lot more, don't know if it's from pregnancy or from depression? Maybe a combo?
I've only been aware of what happened for two weeks, things are still the same as if it didn't and don't know it that is good or bad. He has done everything I have asked for and continues to do whatever I say and let's me snap on him whenever I'm reminded of it. We have had talks, so many talks just because I have thought of something or just felt the need to go over the story again checking for a slip. I guess tomorrow will keep coming and I have found this Great site to help me get past this and support me with whatever decision I come to. I have a lawyer and have made sure I can boot him anytime but I love him and hope that I can get past this with support and cooperation.
Holding on to hope!
Not defending anything he has done because he did something horrible and we both know it's all him! I just want to add that he is the book smart type, no street smarts what so ever. His dumb innocence is one of the reasons I married him but the innocence is gone now. He paid a prostitute to take that virginity!
I would strongly, strongly suggest that you demand that your WH sees a councilor about his need to be overly dependent. First living only with parents and now, you are gone for two days and he needs "contact" so badly that he justifies taking your marital funds to go hire a hooker? You cannot commit to being with him each and every night of your life and frankly, you shouldn't. He needs to get to the bottom of WHY he thought that hiring a whore was an acceptable idea. For your sake and for his.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
His issue of being left home alone will not happen again
Of course for now, do whatever you need to do to feel like you can manage through this. But long term you don't want to have to be his babysitter.
In time your WS will need to earn your trust back little by little.
He needs to get to the bottom of WHY he thought that hiring a whore was an acceptable idea
^^^This says it all for now. Without this understanding you will always wonder and worry.
To this day, he is still trickle-truthing. Men like my husband (and possibly yours) are unfillable voids of entitlement, narcissism and longing for attention because they have not coped with childhood trauma in a healthy way. They sometimes pretend to be innocent, helpless or dependent as a way of manipulating women into giving them the attention, devotion and sex that they want. That is not love. It's not even codependence. It's a severe personality disorder that is really hard to fix. Your H is going to need to be in IC and you are too. This is very traumatizing, especially when you are pregnant. I hope this was a one-time thing, but honestly and gently, it probably is the first of a series of revelations. Again, I'm not trying to foist my fate off on you but I really wish that at my initial DDay I had known how unlikely it was that I was getting the whole truth--it would have saved me years of pain and false hope.
My husband is not evil and yours probably is not either. But what I have come to understand is that anyone who is not only having sex outside of M but who is taking family resource$ to pay for sex with people who are disease vectors is an emotionally high risk person with disordered thinking.
Believe in yourself. You are strong enough to get through this. But don't necessarily believe everything your husband is telling you.
[This message edited by determinata at 5:59 PM, July 21st (Monday)]
6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay
He has now agreed to therapy twice a week, once as a couple and one solo. We found a male so he will be comfortable and so I will not have thoughts that he is doing her..ha ha
I'm doing much better but there is one step forward and two steps back moments as I'm sure everyone has been there or understands.
His father married high school sweetheart right out of school, he is first child, two years later mom was pregnant with second child when dad cheated! His Mom divorced and his Dad remarried the tramp he cheated with. His Dad gave him a step brother who overdosed on drugs and died and a half sister who is a waste of life. His Step Mom treated him like dirt but gave his Dad what he deserved after 17 years! His step mom cheated with a young stud and then took his Father to the bank in the divorce! She got the house, money and half of his pension! That woman he cheated with is now set for life! His dad got his just desert as I see it. His Father is remarried to a very nice woman and I think he is in a good place now and is close to his son as he has always been as his father favors him over his sister since he wasn't around when she was born. His fathers family did not talk to his father for 17 years while he was married with the other woman as his family was ashamed and sided with my husbands mother! As for his Mother, from what I see she never recovered because she never moved on or dated after the divorce and currently lives alone and single.
I don't much care for his family as they all seem to act like they are on Prozac and would never curse, I on the other hand was born and raised in a place where cursing was a way of life and sex jokes were hilarious! His family and him don't understand any sex jokes and that's weird! His sister has been trying to have a baby but she also has a problem with hormones making it almost impossible as she has been told. His family is a hot mess and all he craves is a real family as he has stated, of course I have told him he had it but messed it up just like his father.
These are all the things we will be putting out in the open in therapy. I think the low T level 214 comes from his fathers as he has had issues and takes testosterone.
Right now I am at the point where I see he is a good man that has make an atrocious mistake and he needs to look deep inside to figure out why. Therapy will take time but I see he is willing to do anything to keep this family.
After reading everything I have searched high and low and have even went into the deep coding of all our electronics to find any trace of porn or just anything off! Only thing I found Is that my son is into animated porn, Chinese girls mostly which I wish I didn't see...lol and yes I'm sure it's my 19 year old sons as he is home from college and time matches. I now know why he fell hard for his ex, she was Asian.....lol my son cheated on her tho.... Does it mean he's a cheater since he did so while in his last year of High School? Ahhh forget that question, I don't want to look at anyone else's issues other then the ones at the moment.
I am going to be 39 at the end of the month and geez I have been threw just about everything, my b-day wish is to have one day where I can take things at face value without wondering. Things have changed, I have given my brother all my guns so I don't shoot him and so he can't take the easy way out. I want some normalcy back in my life. I know it's still fresh but I just keep praying that I can have a nice simple day! I have taken on this detective mode and I'm tired, it's exhausting. I'm taking a nice nap now and going to have wonderful dreams for the next two hours!
Thank you all for listening to my rants and for helping me with all this! Thank you for opening my eyes, I feel like you all have my back. I would rather know the possibilities good or bad!
I did not even know what cragslist was until two weeks ago when my husband told me he had met a women off there. And found out he had cheated on me with two women. And I am Nine months pregnant.
I am sorry for your pain and I send you hugs.
Planing on giving birth, then sorting things out.
*update* perfect little boy born