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Newest Member: drummerwife (46039)

User Topic: Reality Bites
LostTime
♂ 42018
Member # 42018
Helpless  Posted: 1:35 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to find my patience and perspective.

In trying to reach out to my BW, sending thoughts or realizations and apologies, trying to express my understanding and show her remorse I feel like the efforts are rejected. In saying that, I don't want her validation and ultimately if it means something positive and meaningful to her whether she voices it or not is the real goal and hope.

I am trying to hear her angry, resentful comments and connect emotionally and show her she's heard. Her responses say to me she doesn't want to hear it and moreover doesn't believe it.

Because of the situation/NC boundaries I can't sit down and talk with her, so I can only send emails. She says she will decide when and if she wants to read them and often I don't get a response while others the response is poignant and hurtful and doesn't really come from the message I was trying to portray.

I realize I've dug a deep hole that will take time to find my way out of. I'm just really sad today and miss my wife. Yes, that's a selfish emotion but I need to feel something true about this situation.

I feel like I'm getting closer to letting go of the outcome because I see just how much she has to deal with and how could anyone expect someone to accept me back in, I know this. Reality Bites. But it is my choices and actions that brought us here.

Is there any hope that the true message is getting through?

I know we're getting into the six months out from her being told of the PAs that she didn't know about even though the separation has been going on 2.5 years. I am trying to rationalize this and the fact that she's trying to re-gain the footing she lost and is just breathing easier with me out of the house for the last 2+ months.

I take strength that the roller coaster ride does have upturns and the lows are not as low as they were and I am trying to use the lows to keep working and bettering myself and fixing my ugly mess. I guess I just needed to talk this through. Any advice or


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
PenitentMan
♂ 43174
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have ups, then use them to get you through the downs. I'm in the same boat. I would say "I love you" and she would say "Ok" or "Thanks". So, I stopped saying it. I figured she didn't want to hear it and I didn't want her feeling awkward since she's not able to respond in kind.
Last night she asks me why I don't say I love you anymore. So I said, "Well, because you would say OK or Thanks." So, shit, we're damned if we do and we're damned if we don't. So I'll go back to saying it again. Because I do love her. If she wants to say thanks, then whatever. See? I shouldn't have stopped saying it. She says "Say it if you *want* to. Say how you feel. I'm more than willing to listen, just don't expect anything in return."
I didn't get booted from the house, but if she had wanted me to leave I would have.
Yours wanted you to, and you did, and she's doing better and the lows aren't as low and you're off being a model wayward. So, kudos. Keep e-mailing her how you feel, but don't overdo it and smother.
Let your words ring of acceptance, patience, and calmness and not of desperation and hopelessness. If you're feeling whiny and sad and lonely and you really want to e-mail her those feelings, maybe hold off a day. Then, you can make sure your correspondence has your focus in the right place - concern for how she's doing more than your own feelings. I'm sure she already knows you would rather not be separated and I'm sure she already knows you miss her and how it sucks all around and
how you forced her to eat your shit sandwich.
You can still say you miss her, but just don't make that all you say. Just my rambling opinion. Take it or leave it. :)


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 504 | Registered: Apr 2014
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostTime I want to ask you a few questions about your background if it's ok.

1. How have you been separated for 2.5 yrs but only out of the house for 2+ months? Was it an in house separation and if so what were the ground rules? Did it feel or act like a real separation or was there still a relationship aspect to it until you moved out?

2. If you have been separated that long and it seems she has asked for NC why are you still emailing her?

3. What are you doing to heal you or are you attaching all sense of healing to the hope of R?

4. What is keeping you from letting go? Is it fear of being alone and walking this path of life solo?

These are just a few pertinent questions that come to mind. I apologize if you've answered all these before. I think a very important part of letting go is focusing on you in the day to day instead of in the long term. When I looked at the long term it seemed impossible to surmount what laid before me. Now I am at least halfway up that mountain. I am most definitely on the 4-5 yr healing timeline as it has been 2 years since I stopped my A and I am 2 months short of my 2 year DDay antiversary. Each day I try to live better then I did before and sometimes my reality smacks me, hits me in the back of the head and drags me through the mud while I sob and beg for mercy. Other days I find I am stronger then I have ever been. It is a process but I have let go of the outcome and try to live a healthy authentic me each day.

[This message edited by Unagie at 2:17 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2813 | Registered: Oct 2012
LostTime
♂ 42018
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Selfish Husband -

If you have ups, then use them to get you through the downs.

I should specify, the ups and downs are within myself and emotionally. Unfortunately I wasted opportunities early on by TT and gaslighting which has wound me up where I am now.
we're damned if we do and we're damned if we don't.

This is true, but I know that consistency is the key - and time and faith.. and I have to fix my shit.

Thanks for your advice. I was losing sight of the present moment which is all I can focus on. I can't control anything else. Ultimately, I don't know if she really knows or believes anything, but I will keep saying how I feel within the boundaries of what I can.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
LostTime
♂ 42018
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unagie - thanks for your response.

1. How have you been separated for 2.5 yrs but only out of the house for 2+ months? Was it an in house separation and if so what were the ground rules? Did it feel or act like a real separation or was there still a relationship aspect to it until you moved out?

It was an in house separation that fueled my denial of everything and only created a toxic situation and more resentment and anger towards me. I had my head up my ass and didn't see any of it and it just fueled my delusions or misconceptions of reality and just what I was doing. I guess the ground rules were I slept on the couch for the most part - there were times she let me back into the bed, but she was clear there was no commitment from her to me or anything to do with working on the marriage.

2. If you have been separated that long and it seems she has asked for NC why are you still emailing her?
She put forward NC in May and it mostly applies to texting/phone calls. She has said if I want to share something or tell her something to email her. This is hard for me because I have difficulty expressing emotions or I'm too full of emotions. She will either respond or not, read it or not - I simply don't know.

3. What are you doing to heal you or are you attaching all sense of healing to the hope of R?

I am working through my issues, writing, reading every day, IC once a week and attending SLAA meetings. I am not attaching all sense of healing on R. I have to fix me and love me regardless, because I refuse to stay the way I was. I have more positive moments within myself. It can be a struggle at times, when the negative comments come back at me to embrace them and allow them to define me. Then it's a short turn to looking at the big picture and losing my perspective and focus. I'm meditating every day which has helped me alot. Help calm me and helps me be grateful for the little positives every day.

4. What is keeping you from letting go? Is it fear of being alone and walking this path of life solo?

I guess it comes down to my lack of self worth and that I'm not good enough. This is something I'm digging into. I have defined myself based on the acceptance of others for way too long and it's a hard thing to come to grips with. It is getting better, but when emotions overwhelm me and I want nothing more than for her to believe I love her and there is something worth fighting for. It's those times that I need to let go of.

I don't want to smother her and drive her away or set her back. She feels I'm playing a game, but all I want is just to live a life of truth and love and for her to be happy. I just really, really miss her and my kids. Every day, more and more. Anyway, thank you for asking and it's given me stuff to keep working on deeper.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
DrJekyll
♂ 43618
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there any hope that the true message is getting through?

I think that the true message may be getting through.

When you write her an email. Try to reread it, and take yourself out of the equation. So imagine if somebody here on SI had posted the letter and is asking for advice. So then by reading it objectively, look for the me, me, me. And you will be able to see further what you may be portraying to your BS. Also if she is reading it and see your true intentions there are some possibilities. 1. Why didn't you do this and feel this in the first place. 2. can't believe you will ever change due to the extensive TT.

it comes down to my lack of self worth and that I'm not good enough.

I think that you are looking to your BS for your worth and validation. I have had times of this myself. Like checking, am I still on the right track? Have you considered self-hyponsis along with your meditation? repeating "I am good enough, I am worth loving, I love myself" things like that. It is amazing how self-affirmations can make a huge difference.

I am glad that you haven't given up on you. there have been times where I have had my concerns for you. When looking for encouragement, look at where you were 3 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago, and now. I am going to imagine you will see (as I see in me) trash, garbage, and then change. real changes. You can look at yourself, know that you have a long way to go, but remember how far you have come. Have a little pride in yourself, and so then begin self-validation.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 894 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
LostTime
♂ 42018
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DrJ-
I think that the true message may be getting through.

I wish I had your optimism. I'm really not so sure. I know that I can't dwell on this though because it will take focus away from what I have to work on.
I think she very much is hurt that I didn't wake the f#@k up earlier and has very real fears about taking any sort of risk to believe I'm not lying anymore.

I think that you are looking to your BS for your worth and validation.

Bingo! I very much am. I have defined myself in the eyes of others for so very long it is a long road away from there. I do want to be doing the right things for her. I know I'm doing the right things for me - it is much easier to feel the changes within myself than to display them to her.
Have you considered self-hyponsis along with your meditation?
Yes actually, I am using some guided hypnosis meditations to remove negative blocks and for self affirmation. I'm also using metta meditations to help break away from the self ego and to grow my empathy and compassion and focus towards my BW.

Thank you for your support and encouragement. There has been a big shift within me and I'm more focused and driven that I can ever remember. What's that physics principle - 'an object in motion will stay in motion...' I just have to keep doing and moving and pointed in the right direction.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 7

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