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he won't let me grieve

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newmummy82 posted 7/21/2014 14:49 PM

So a bit of background. Whirlwind romance leads to unexpected pregnancy. I left after 3 months of being told how much he didn't want the baby, he persuaded me to come back but had met 2 other women in the 6 week's I had gone. He continued 1 of the relationships after my return, he says not physically, but said it stopped a while before the birth. It has been almost a year and I'm still broken, my most vulnerable time. He held my hand through scans, pregnancy related illness but was trying to meet up with the ow.
Now when I address concerns he shouts me down because I am aggressive and accusitory but I don't think I am, I am just trying to get things clear in my head. When I tell him this he says I have to think before I speak because everything sounds like an accusation but when I say it's all going wrong so I'm scared you'll freak out again I just want reassurance. I've told him this but it doesn't wash, it feels like he thinks I should be over it by now. When we argue he calls me nasty names and all I think is how the ow wasn't all the things he calls me so I pull away then he attacks Me for doing so and not trying and thinking of no one but me and not caring about my baby or step child. I'm so upset I can't even cry, I just want to die. What am I doing so wrong? I know I still ask but I'm not healed. Is that so wrong?

newmummy82 posted 7/21/2014 15:18 PM

Anyone? Is it my fault? Should I have stopped talking about it by now?

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 7/21/2014 15:23 PM

NO! You should not stop talking about it until you're ready to stop talking about it!

Are you in IC? MC? What is he doing to help you heal?

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, with a new baby on top of everything it's a lot to take in.

Chinadoll30 posted 7/21/2014 15:23 PM

You heal when you heal, no one can set the timeline. Can I ask instead: why would you like to reconcile with this man? Who is so callous to your feelings?

newmummy82 posted 7/21/2014 15:32 PM

We aren't married, we tried counselling but they never addressed the affair, just talked about the family. It was a massive waste of money with a new baby talking about the only stable bit.
I want to reconcile because I love him and we have a child. I'm not so sure he is interested in me, probably just the baby. He tells me he needs/loves/wants me but is so bad with communication. He is transparent(ish) came off social networks (by not accessing it), he doesn't work away anymore, he doesn't go out without me, he takes me. On dates, it's good if I'm not feeling low

TheIrishGirl posted 7/21/2014 15:42 PM

If counseling seemed like a waste, have you tried any if the books in the healing library? My WH and I are half way through After the Affair and it's prompting good conversations. I couldn't be doing this if my WH weren't trying and working on it also. If your SO isn't supportive, I don't think there's much you can do to fix the situation. He's the one who broke it, through his own brokenness, so he needs to recognize what he did was wrong and work on fixing it.

newmummy82 posted 7/21/2014 15:56 PM

I read numerous books, he didn't. It's like he stopped going anywhere alone and expects me to do the rest. I feel like he thinks it's my issue to deal with rather than ours. This is hopeless isn't it?

newmummy82 posted 7/21/2014 16:35 PM

How do I talk about these things without anger or an underlying accusation (which is a fear but makes me deserving of being shouted down).

confused615 posted 7/21/2014 16:51 PM

You are almost a year out with an unremorseful WH. You won't be able to talk about it without being angry, because he has never really *heard* you. When you try to talk about it, you are trying to heal yourself, trying to get the poison out. But he won't let you, and becomes abusive when you try. Of course you're angry. He wants to rugsweep. The feelings you are having are perfectly normal for a BS who has a rugsweeping WS.

He needs to understand that until he faces what he has done, and the two of you work through this together, you are going to be angry, sad... and you won't even begin to trust him until he does.

And you need to decide why you are willing to tolerate his abuse? You deserve so much more than what he is giving you.

sisoon posted 7/21/2014 18:21 PM

You say you left, which pretty much freed him up. Given his apparent focus only on himself (telling you how much he didn't want the baby, as if that's the only important factor), I understand why you left.

But then he persuaded you to get back together, even though he continued to court ow. That's cheating in my book, too, as well as in yours.

Very gently, I think what you're doing wrong is sticking with him. He sounds like an abuser and doesn't sound like relationship material at all.

My suggestion is that you read about and practice the 180, with a goal of detaching from him. You deserve much better than he's giving you.

Given his abusiveness, I don't think he'll change. He certainly won't change unless he's forced by circumstances to do so. The 180 may be just the shock he needs - but do the 180 to strengthen yourself. It's not a technique for changing anybody but yourself.

RomanticInnocenc posted 7/21/2014 18:58 PM

In all honesty that sounds really scary and like an unstable living arrangement for both you and Bubs. If you are walking on eggshells about something he has done that has hurt you, then there is a serious problem. Why did he get back together with you if he wanted to continue seeing the ow? Why was cheating ok for him to do when you were at your most vulnerable.

You need to seriously ask yourself if your love for this man is enough for the both of you, because I see no love for you from him in your posts. Doing the minimum required to shut you up and then getting angry when it doesn't, isn't love in my book. Is that how you want your baby to view relationships as it grows, with mummy walking on eggshells to keep daddy happy and when she fails, being verbally abused? You guys haven't been together long and I know you have have a baby, but you don't have to live like this. I would run, run for the hills, bring your baby up with nothing but love and a strong grounding in morals and empathy for others.


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