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Big Mistake?

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Hopefuldad468 posted 7/21/2014 14:52 PM

I know I am not suppose to try to get them on my side (and I have no intention of doing so) but...

My WW has told her mom that we are having problems and are in MC. I thought she maybe knew why because the MIL told me something that made me suspect she knew something and the WW needs all the support she can get. So I slipped and mentioned the A.

I asked her mum to keep this to herself for now...and be ready to support her daughter if anything comes out or if she needs her (I want them on her side)

So how bad for reconciliation could this be?

[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 7:35 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

Schadenfreude posted 7/21/2014 15:02 PM

Wel you have put MIL in a difficult position. You are asking her not to discuss this marriage threatening problem with her daughter. That will be almost impossible to do. When daughter is venting about real or imaginary marital problems, MIL. Is expected to listen and offer platitudes to her, knowing her own daughter is being less than honest with her.

And I suspect the shit will hit the fan whenWW finds out. Especially if A is over.

Yes, I know it's not your secret to keep. But I do feel sorry for MIL who got drafted into this war.

confused615 posted 7/21/2014 15:03 PM

Don't lie. Tell her the truth.

I don't think you did anything wrong. And, it sounds like your WW has been turning to her mother about your problems..but failing to mention the problems are because she cheated. I think that would upset me. She should be taking responsibility..and accepting the fallout as consequences of her affair. Instead, she has been lying to her mom for sympathy? And justifying her unhappiness by throwing you under the bus? How is that helpful for your R?

Telling the truth is never the wrong thing to do.

ETA...I agree... you shouldn't have asked MIL not to tell her DD that you told her. BUT..I don't think you dragged your MIL into this. Your WW did. All you did was set her straight on the facts.

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:04 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

Wayflost posted 7/21/2014 15:08 PM


I am the WW in my situation. My family knows. My Mother is HPD/NPD and has been cut off. She tried to justify my As to me, for me. Not a healthy choice. I would have been ecstatic if she could have had empathy for my BH.

My BH has only shared with a few limited people. I was informed after the fact, most of the time. Anyone he needs/wants to tell should know. At least, IMHO. I don't need him to keep a secret he does not want to keep.

I might also suggest that you delicately suggest to your WW or to MIL that perhaps your wife should be venting to a counselor. Including my mother in my relationship with BH was a terrible decision.

Tearsoflove posted 7/21/2014 15:30 PM

In my opinion, if your WW is going to seek support from her mother, she should be honest with her mother. Her mother can't give her informed advice if she isn't actually informed. To me, if your wife is making the affair all about what you were and weren't to her family, she is still rugsweeping her behavior and is still in the wayward mindset. Further, if she is blaming you for her behavior, she is coloring her mother's perception of you as a husband unfairly.

But since her mother now knows the truth, it does unfairly burden her trying to keep the secret while still giving advice. I think your wife should know that you told her mother so her mother can speak freely. The truth is what sets everybody free here. And, personally, I would be outraged if my husband was making me look like the bad guy to his family when he was the one having an affair. It's hard enough to have a decent relationship with your in-laws without your spouse sabotaging it by pointing out your every flaw while making themselves look like the perfect spouse.

Hopefuldad468 posted 7/21/2014 20:14 PM

I spoke with my MIL per your advice. I told her if this was a burden or issue I would tell my WW immediately what I did. MIL recommed I wait a bit due to the fact D day was not that far past and that my WW is not out of danger of falling back to OM right now. She told me if any burden that she would tell me right away...otherwise give it a little bit for WW to pull some things together with her IC ....she suspects she is going to tell her soon anyway..if she died not i am to tell her to avoid future setback. MIL said we can discuss timing after we see how things go next few days.

[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 10:29 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]

Lark posted 7/22/2014 00:49 AM

I think you should tell your WW about it. If you WW was already confiding issues in her mother, then she has already brought your mother into it - you didn't tell her mother out of spite, you told her beacuse you thought she already knew. Your WW will hopefully understand that.

I told two people after dday outside of my best friend and own mother - one was a coworker who had been through a similar situation and was the only person I knew empathetic to my actual work situation in trying to deal with an affair and work. The other was a playdate mom, and I did *not* wan tot ell her and still regret her finding out - but she was concerned on my absence from everything for a few weeks, I'm a piss poor liar, and she was concerned with a whole bunch of life changes going on. I wound up full on bawling when she asked me about why I didn't seem to know when I was scheduling my daughter for swim lessons I told my husband that I told both of them and he was understanding. He said while he'd rather the playdate mom not know, it's his screw up, not mine, and he hates that I've been put in this "plaster a fake smile on my face" type situation and he will take repercussions of what he's done.

My MIL knows. It was one of my conditions. I think, depending on the parents, it can be useful to have the WS's mother or sibling know if that person is supportive of the WS, the BS, and of the marriage and of any choices that the two people are making. A parent will always love their child even if they're disappointed in them, and sometimes a WS needs that kind of support system. Of course, not every parent is actually helpful to tell.

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