Looking at this forum, I have no idea where I belong. Almost 4 months ago, my husband confessed to having a drunken ONS two years ago. About a week later, my world came to a crashing halt when I found out about the OC. A child who is only 6 months younger than my youngest daughter. Since this is still very new, I find myself gravitating to the Just Found Out Forum and have been reading stories here since DDay. However, we have been trying to R since the beginning; therefore, I find myself trying to make myself at home in the Reconciling forum, trying to find the hope I need to get up and function somehow everyday. My WH is truly remorseful, loves me, and takes full responsibility for the mess he has caused our family. However, he has been battling with his own demons of guilt and shame and feels that what he has done is so insurmountable that we will never recover. Most of the time, it feels like we are just barely making it through the day, really going nowhere. He knows that something broken in him caused him to stray and readily feels he needs to fix himself before he can help us heal. He knows he's spiraling downward and that he needs to snap out of his self loathing stage and that all this is causing him to not really do the true work needed to help us heal, as half the time his idea of fixing things is solely on his terms. So his solution is to a partial separation where he has gotten himself an appt to think. Sort things out. Start IC and come to the root of his problem. That he doesn't want to divorce, but feels like this will be the jolt and drastic change he needs to get his ass in gear basically. All the while, this is not the choice I wanted for us at all. None of this is. So, now I find myself tiptoeing into the Divorce/Separation Forum. All the while, I've been visiting the I Can Relate Forum trying to find solace in the OC thread. Why can't I just fit neatly into one spot so I know if I'm coming or going? I feel lost as hell.
What do you do when you have no idea where you belong? Half the time I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. All I know is that I use to be a strong, independent woman who wore her heart on her sleeve. Who gave her all to her marriage and family to just realize that my all wasn't good enough at all. My WH has been teetering back and forth for over a week on whether to follow through with his separation plans. Says he doesn't want to be apart, but feels he needs a break and to figure things out. Wtf? I don't need that, too? And I didn't even cause this mess. All I've done is bend over backwards to accommodate the mess he's created in our lives. Even offered to welcome and love the OC into our lives. Accept that I'll never get NC from the other woman as they need to do so for the OC. All the while, my life is spent accommodating his terms and demands to make this work. It's so confusing to have a WH who constantly confesses his love for me through words and actions, but doesn't want to go through the true hard work for true R. My life is in such limbo, not only do I not know where I belong on SI, I don't even know where I belong in my own life.
It sounds like you are doing the work here, not your spouse. If you haven't already talked to a lawyer, please do so right away. You need to protect your child (and yourself). For the same reason, get tested for STIs and find yourself a good therapist. Your situation has a lot of moving parts and you can't control any of them.
I think your husband needs to be honest with you about the affair. Most cheaters claim it's a ONS when in reality, some have been in an affair for years. Part of the problem plaguing you both is that he's more than likely lying about the real extent of his involvement with her. Until you get the truth from him, things will continue to be chaos.
You're a brave woman to forgive this type of situation.
But you need to get the truth if you want to truly begin reconciling.
Good luck to you.
You can decide what you want from your H, ya know? If you think him moving out will cause more problems for you then tell him that. You have been very accommodating considering the hell he's brought into your life. I hope you can find your power.
Hugs
Take a minute and read back what you have written and be in AWE of yourself for your composure, your calm, your bearing. That you know - because you are strong and amazing - that you could care for this little one brought into this mess. You WILL BE OKAY. Even if you wrote it "neatly" for this forum, you had the wherewithal to write it neatly which means you will be healthy and therefore what will be will be okay. I hope you find your place. I hope we all do. There is so much noise after the awful news is shared & all the processing is so overwhelming. It does feel like all our "choices" (are they really choices?) suck. This isn't what you would have chosen AT ALL. You are heard.
My H's affair began before I got pregnant and was ongoing (EA mostly) for the 14 months of her life, save one time he saw her to end it and they wound up having sex. Gross. BUT. Because my baby is so little and so needy, she was my strength during my darkest moments. She was why I had to get out of bed, why I had to keep functioning. My happy silver lining. I deserve her every day. Your little one will be your reason, your purpose, your proof of love, too. Each day your kids are fully loved by you is a success. REGARDLESS of whatever you WH does or says or decides to do with his f'edupness. He will fix himself or he wont. You will be a momma and a strong woman regardless.
I'm rambling. You are heard. Life is messy. You are doing better than you feel you are. xo
