Where Do I Belong?
Looking at this forum, I have no idea where I belong. Almost 4 months ago, my husband confessed to having a drunken ONS two years ago. About a week later, my world came to a crashing halt when I found out about the OC. A child who is only 6 months younger than my youngest daughter. Since this is still very new, I find myself gravitating to the Just Found Out Forum and have been reading stories here since DDay. However, we have been trying to R since the beginning; therefore, I find myself trying to make myself at home in the Reconciling forum, trying to find the hope I need to get up and function somehow everyday. My WH is truly remorseful, loves me, and takes full responsibility for the mess he has caused our family. However, he has been battling with his own demons of guilt and shame and feels that what he has done is so insurmountable that we will never recover. Most of the time, it feels like we are just barely making it through the day, really going nowhere. He knows that something broken in him caused him to stray and readily feels he needs to fix himself before he can help us heal. He knows he's spiraling downward and that he needs to snap out of his self loathing stage and that all this is causing him to not really do the true work needed to help us heal, as half the time his idea of fixing things is solely on his terms. So his solution is to a partial separation where he has gotten himself an appt to think. Sort things out. Start IC and come to the root of his problem. That he doesn't want to divorce, but feels like this will be the jolt and drastic change he needs to get his ass in gear basically. All the while, this is not the choice I wanted for us at all. None of this is. So, now I find myself tiptoeing into the Divorce/Separation Forum. All the while, I've been visiting the I Can Relate Forum trying to find solace in the OC thread. Why can't I just fit neatly into one spot so I know if I'm coming or going? I feel lost as hell.
What do you do when you have no idea where you belong? Half the time I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. All I know is that I use to be a strong, independent woman who wore her heart on her sleeve. Who gave her all to her marriage and family to just realize that my all wasn't good enough at all. My WH has been teetering back and forth for over a week on whether to follow through with his separation plans. Says he doesn't want to be apart, but feels he needs a break and to figure things out. Wtf? I don't need that, too? And I didn't even cause this mess. All I've done is bend over backwards to accommodate the mess he's created in our lives. Even offered to welcome and love the OC into our lives. Accept that I'll never get NC from the other woman as they need to do so for the OC. All the while, my life is spent accommodating his terms and demands to make this work. It's so confusing to have a WH who constantly confesses his love for me through words and actions, but doesn't want to go through the true hard work for true R. My life is in such limbo, not only do I not know where I belong on SI, I don't even know where I belong in my own life.