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AndreaL posted 7/21/2014 19:09 PM

I feel so juvenile posting this...we are trying to reconcile. TRYING...not sure what that even means anymore. I want to hurt him, I want him to suffer. He fears coming home from work and seeing my car gone with all my stuff. I dream of doing this to him, so he can SUFFER.

I want him in the fetal position on the floor, like I have been. Not sure these feelings are a good indication of being able to save our marriage.

One day at a time...I keep looking at him and thinking this is the father of my children, what an embarrassment.

[This message edited by AndreaL at 7:09 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

Ascendant posted 7/21/2014 19:25 PM

100% normal.

Just, you know, conveniently forget a birthday or anniversary or something. A wise poster once said "Even is whatever you say it is."

Hatemyhusband posted 7/21/2014 19:47 PM

They suffer watching us in that fetal position. I know I'd rather feel the pain than ever be responsible for causing anyone the pain I felt
They suffer looking in their kids eyes and knowing they prob destroyed the family. Lastly, they'll answer to God one day.
I would never want to be the WS. Never


devasted30 posted 7/21/2014 20:03 PM

I want that too. I bet, at one time or another, we all have wished that on our WS. I am a big believer in Karma. People usually get what they deserve. The only thing I worry about is, I too might suffer some more if that happens. Then where will I be. Will I be happy if he is destroyed just so I can say, "there, you got what you deserved" . Somehow, I don't think so. But, sometimes (okay often) I fantasize about it. He ruined our lives, gave up his good job, lost his step childrens respect and knows I will never forgive him or ever feel the same way about him because the unconditional love is gone. Is that not punishment enough?

AndreaL posted 7/21/2014 20:06 PM

I feel like I'm sleeping with the enemy....but I mould never want to be a WS. To be the cause of this pain...Hell.

I just am feeling so discouraged lately...I just feel like a loser. Don't know why, but I just do.

DixieD posted 7/21/2014 21:05 PM

Andrea, by your dday listed in your tagline it looks like you are right around the time (6 months) when anger often hits a BS. You will experience so many emotions as you navigate through all of this.

That need for him to see and to feel the pain you are feeling is normal. The want/need for justice and fairness in a situation that is completely unfair is normal too. Discouraging, yes, but it's not necessarily an indication that you can't save your marriage.

Chinadoll30 posted 7/22/2014 11:16 AM

The other night I was feeling such anger. Such resentment. I told WH that I wanted to see him bleed from his eyes. It was such an odd phrase for me to use. Very Shakespearean. Anyway, the next morning he woke up with a huge, puffy black eye. Went to the doctor and it was a clogged and infected sweat gland. I can't say I felt guilty about it, but I also didn't feel much joy, either.

2married2quit posted 7/22/2014 11:24 AM

Of course and that's the tragedy in all of this. There is no way to make the score even. But then again, is it really worth it? People take revenge all the time for affairs and you see it on TV and get locked up for life. SO NOT WORTH IT!

OK now posted 7/22/2014 11:44 AM

I've been posting for quite a few years and its strange how differing the responses of a BS vary, from one victim to the next.

You are the same as me, unforgiving and very angry. A lot of internal pride and a mindset that cries out for vengeance. I've tried to analyze the meaning behind the word forgiveness, but it still eludes me after all these years. I still have a brooding desire for revenge, but have the commonsense not to take advantage of opportunities that come my way. You may not imagine things could get any worse but they can, and retribution is a sure way to undermine the process of rebuilding a marriage.

Jrazz posted 7/22/2014 12:21 PM

Ok, so this might come off preachy but bear with me. I had all those feelings in the beginning. I had those feelings BEFORE DDay. I was never someone who could actively inflict pain on someone else, but I wished hurt upon people who had hurt me... and that is no way to live.

This statement isn't even so much about "turn the other cheek" or anything. I'm not suggesting that when someone wrongs us we hand them a cookie. I'm just saying that we need to reject the idea that if someone else hurts us we will somehow even the score by "getting even", even with something "small" like a rude gesture. That is basically allowing the person who hurt you to drag you down with them as they drown in bad decision making.

I'm just saying that one of the most devastating side effects to being treated badly is that we somehow think it's going to balance the scales if we hand the same treatment back. The ONLY road to peace and happiness is THROUGH peace and kindness. Treating YOURSELF kindly as a countermeasure is the solution.

I see so many people here who are repeatedly kicked and kicked by their spouse, and I know that in their deepest of hearts they don't want to be the person that kicks back. We are craving sanity and compassion.

If your spouse is being toxic - get space from it... as much as you can. Remember that YOU are worthy of trust, love, and respect and want to surround yourself with people for whom you have the same feelings.

Hugs to all.




Hurt people hurt people. That's how pain patterns gets passed on, generation after generation after generation.

Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness.
Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault.

Love is the weapon of the future.

- Rabbi Yehuda Berg

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:24 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

wert posted 7/22/2014 13:31 PM

AndreaL - Normal or whatever that means. I wanted to pummel my W with a man hole cover. I was pissed and hurt.

I do think its a stage thing. Nothing wrong with anger, nothing wrong with hate, just don't get stuck there. Those are very normal defense responses. So let yourself hate what he did for a while, but demand that if he wants you back he needs to change. If he does, think about if you can dip your toe back into that pool.

take care....

spond posted 7/23/2014 07:36 AM

For me it was the justice factor. I still struggle sometime that she inflicted so much pain on me from the A.

But if you truly love someone, you can let that pain of injustice go and put it to something more productive.

seethelight posted 7/23/2014 09:30 AM

Two plus years out, although, I am still angry about the injustice of it all, I know that revenge would not make me happy.

I am mostly just sad, and still in shock that the man I trusted so much engaged in such sleazy behavior.

It has changed me in ways that make me unhappy.

Prior to dday, I was happy in the marriage warts and all. Now I am not happy at all and I daily need to forgive myself for giving my wayward a second chance.

I think of leaving him daily. But leaving would not be an act of revenge. It would be a way for me to regain my lost self esteem and a self protective measure against future abuse.

JanaGreen posted 7/23/2014 09:40 AM

They suffer watching us in that fetal position.

I'm not so sure they do, always. Mine didn't hurt until I got up out of the fetal position and decided I didn't need his bullshit. Then he hurt plenty.

payitforward posted 7/23/2014 19:07 PM

I struggle with this daily. I want him to feel what I feel. The absolute brokenness. Reading others posts I am worried that will never go away. I feel like the only way he is really going to pay is for me to leave him. I have such a hard time looking at myself in the mirror knowing I am trying to reconcile with someone that doesn't deserve. I keep telling myself revenge is a dish best served cold. Maybe by then i won't feel the need

AndreaL posted 7/23/2014 19:41 PM

Sigh....this is just so hard. I also feel like the only way he will ever understand his actions if I do leave him. He suffered greatly while we were separated, and is very remorseful, and hates himself. I just want to hate him more and watch his life implode.

RightTrack posted 7/24/2014 00:13 AM

Yeah, after IC and the "clearing of the fog" WS suddenly woke up to everything he'd been doing to me and made a vow to change and he did change and then he became So Damned Happy!!! ARRRRRGGGG

I'm happy for the change and all but I'd like to see a little more suffering. I equate suffering with remorse and seeing the effects of remorse- the consequences of his actions taking a toll- might might might even out the score a smidge.

I'm two years out and the anger has subsided but still surfaces. I love indulging in my revenge fantasies where I walk in on them and post pics to their parents and employers or the kids get to see what a loser their dad is or he gets a disease and his junk falls off. I am currently enjoying "A Rural Affair" by Catherine Alliot, a light British fiction of a woman who's cheating husband dies from a block of frozen piss falling on his head. :)

Did you see the news story of the married guy on the sail boat who died of the heroin the prostitute injected in him? Hilarious!! WS gets to hear me chuckle.

runningtothrive posted 7/24/2014 00:41 AM

I, too, want him to feel what I felt, what he put me through. I wonder how sincere his remorse is if he doesn't know: What it feels like to wonder if your spouse will come home? To wake up in the night wondering where your spouse is? To wake up wondering why he doesn't want to be with me, his wife? What is so wrong with me that my own husband doesn't want to come home to me? To be abandoned? Neglected? To feel completely worthless?

In MC, I kept bringing up the past and the therapist said that he'll never feel what I felt. How is that fair? How does he feel true sorrow for the destruction of his actions if he doesn't know how it feels?

I suppose the most I can do is take care of myself. What good is plotting revenge except to make myself feel angry and crazy?

Living well is the best revenge
-attributed to George Herbert

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