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When will I grow up

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TrustedHer posted 7/21/2014 21:30 PM

I turned 60 last week.

Fuck. I'm still 18, inside my head.

I'm on a business/training trip this week, and I discovered a (relatively) cheap source of alcoholic courage.

I have a good job, for a good employer, and an excellent shot at retiring from this one, finally.

I am loved by a special woman who thinks the world of little old imperfect me. Ok, imperfect is a stretch. Let's go with way, way less then perfect. Barely achieving his potential, perhaps.

There's an old joke about "What do you want to be when you grow up?", being discussed by 40-somethings. I've lived that joke for 20 years.

My training and degrees are in Computer Science, but my interests range from music to literature to technology to craftwork to art to... everything.

I'm tired. I've seen too much. Been hurt too much.

I want peace. Stability. Lack of Drama.

That's not life. That's a dream. Stability is Death.

But I can see a life with no drama. With stability. With someone who loves me.

Is that real? I no longer think of myself as a good judge of reality. My whole world changed.

I kind of liked the head-in-the-sand "reality" where I assumed my life was perfect, or normal, or something.

This new world is nice. More than nice. But I'm not really prepared to deal with it.

Salt posted 7/22/2014 00:08 AM

Happy Birthday TruestedHer.

I know just how you feel. One day my life was turned upside down, and it hasn't really settled since. So I am learning to adapt to change, because that is what the art of living is all about, right?

We thought we were secure, but it was an illusion. All security is an illusion, we give ourselves because to truly get how much we all simply live by grace is often too much for us. So we think we have it under control. Until the day we learn that it's an illusion.

Then it becomes about being able to trust one's self. That we will be OK no matter what happens. We can have stability again, peace. But I think it has to come from inside, not from outside.

Anyway, that's what I'm working on. Not there yet either…i'm just a fellow traveler and I wish you the best.

asurvivor posted 7/22/2014 01:04 AM

You seem totally normal to me. I really don't know anyone who has a handle on the hell is going on and where they are...myself included. I do like the way you write but more importantly, I'm interested in what's the cheap alcoholic courage.

Williesmom posted 7/22/2014 01:08 AM

The only thing that you can count on in life is that it's always changing.

You sound normal, and I envy you that you've found someone...

Sad in AZ posted 7/22/2014 01:41 AM

Never grow up; that's an order!

Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the ride, and happy belated birthday (I'm right behind you--2 1/2 weeks away from 60.)

norabird posted 7/22/2014 08:25 AM

The new world is a scary one. I get missing the fake version of stability. But what an amazing journey to leave it behind and get your hands dirty in the messy reality of life!

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