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How did everyone get passed the anger? The fights? The being so mad and hurt you just want to scream? I don't know how to do it. I'm at a loss right now.

Actually, I was glad when the anger hit. Anger was much easier to deal with than a broken heart and the betrayal that caused it. It's ok to be angry. But you're better not to engage in arguing because arguing with him will get you nowhere. Neither of you can 'un-say' whatever after it's been said and some pretty horrible statements can be made in the heat of an argument. It's not constructive. Remind yourself: it's not constructive. Instead, put that energy into YOU. Do something good for YOU. Even if it's five minutes outside by yourself, do it for YOU. Don't waste your energy trying to reason with a WS at this point. (((( ))))

(((softballmom)))

You are being heard, and there are many of us who struggle. It varies I guess. I still, after over 6 months, struggle with anger and pain. Learn to recognize it and "ride it out" without being overly reactive to your other loved ones. See an IC if you can.

In my experience and that of many other BSs, it comes and goes in waves. At first it was almost constant. Now there are entire days where I don't feel it (however I am S, heading to D). The days I do it's once or twice a day, for a short time. It's also situational - for example, last night I struggled in bed with anger for about an hour, knowing WW is just back from vacation with my kids. Now the kids are back with me and I feel fine. It has been about 4 days since the previous anger wave.

Continue the 180 (or start if you haven't). Remember it's for your healing.

Be strong. We got your back.

Anger is a masking emotion covering up the pain. Sometimes, we just can't face the hurt, so we shift into a protective anger mode, where we don't have to sit with the overwhelming immensity of the pain. It's hard to do, but can you let the shield down and simply allow yourself to feel the pain? Could you also set some sort of timer on your anger allowance, at the end of which you have to switch back to normal?

((((softballmom)))

It WILL get better.

It means you are not done with it and it also means you still care about your WH. For me I got past the RAGE and insufferable Anger when I got to the wonderful land of "meh". When I got to the place where I could either, "take her or leave her". When I feel like I want her, when I feel like I need her, when I feel like I want to make the relationship work, then I feel pain and anger.

Seems you are trying to R, but feel defeated by your anger. Anger is also something that comes up when you feel like you've not said enough to your WH, when you feel like they dont really understand how hurt you are and what they have done to you and your whole family.

Is he at all remorseful? Think about it.

HUGS.

Does the anger come afterwards? I am only experiencing absolute hurt and devastation. For some reason I am not angry

[This message edited by sarahstar at 8:30 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Wow steppingup, you put it all in a nutshell. Anytime some closeness begins my reflex is to put up the wall, which is my anger with my WS. It is a feeling of freedom when you reach the point that you can take or leave the relationship based on your WS's actions.

Not sure why but sometime my anger comes out when I'm driving (no, not road rage).

It's a place where I can yell and scream and curse and no one is going to hear.

sarahstar: Does the anger come afterwards? I am only experiencing absolute hurt and devastation. For some reason I am not angry.

That's how it was for me. I had a burst of anger after D-Day #1, but after that and after each of the other "major events" I seemed to go into a shock for about a month where I felt numb. After those month-long periods a bunch of angry feelings surfaced each time.

[This message edited by mhca at 1:13 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

Well at this moment, I wish I could reach the "meh" point. He has many moods over this. So do I. But he ad soon ad he gets mad, its let it go or leave. Then when he calms down, its he loves me and he's sorry. I don't think he has realized how badly he hurt me. But I don't think he ever will. He doesn't see dating sites and sending and receiving nude pics as "cheating" i do. He violated my trust. And the part that makes me the most sick, is he would get off work, be texting these other women sending/receiving pics, then come to bed and sleep with me! The only explanation I got was, he wasn't sure what he wanted but after almost losing me, he knows its me. If that's the case, why can't he committed to a R all the time? Not just when he's in a good mood? I know this always going back to it is frustrating. I think it is too. I think that the fact we are in this position is frustrating. But if he can't commit 100%, then is there even a point?

You get past through IC, and facing the pain and anger head on. Work on why your so angry, then let it out. You need an outlet, exercise, boxing, primal screams all worked for me. I beat the shit out of my pillow a few times. However, feel it. Understand its nexus and work on that place. usually its more than your just pissed at "Him". Identify and work through.

FYI, I haven't been full on angry for about a year until this past weekend. I had a few drinks, DS was acting up, wife said something that just sent me off. Full blown rage, not at the situation but rather a comment that was poking me for days after her IC appt. Its always going to be there if you don't move through it.

Does the anger come afterwards? I am only experiencing absolute hurt and devastation. For some reason I am not angry

I was picking up my former girlfriend and adopted daughter (WFGF's natural daughter) to go shopping when my daughter said she got a creepy text message on her iPhone (both WFGF and DD were using iPhones at the time). The message was "Took my bike to the fixit shop yesterday; can't wait to hear your sexy voice." The text message was from her mother. I knew in my gut it was a misaddressed text from WFGF to AP, that went to DD's phone instead, and my overwhelming emotions were envy and disappointment that I did not have that level of intimacy with WFGF. I was surprised that I did not feel anger. I told WFGF that I wished I had that kind of emotional closeness with her; she said her phone must have been hacked and that she was not the author of the text message. When I discussed this with my counselor, my IC said it would be easier to move on if I were able to feel anger. This happened two years ago. I did not find/experience much anger; my feelings were mostly hurt, disappointment, enormous sense of loss (twenty-five-year relationship--see my profile for back story). I have moved on to the extent that I am NC with her except for contact regarding our DD, and the intensity of my feelings (grief) has diminished a lot. This is my first post (although I have been reading SI for nearly a year). What has helped me is IC and reading here for insights and tools I can apply to my situation, and then wedging those insights into my brain-- e.g., that I had been harmed by trying to be emotionally close to someone who did not want to be close to me; i.e., rejection--that I needed to disengage for my emotional well being, and I am still working on letting go. When my sense of loss is triggered by a memory, I remind myself that much of her contact with me was manipulation under the guise of caring, and that I want nothing more to do with her. And then with an expletive or two, I find a little anger to help the process along.

I wish I knew but I am a very angry man at this point in my life. I'm also very sad. Everyone deals differently according to your make up. There is nothing wrong with being angry it is an important emotion just don't let it eat you up.