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the first trigger attaches again

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morethantrying posted 7/21/2014 22:09 PM

the day I found out (do not remember specific date and don't want to) but I do remember what I was doing...taking care of finances and looking though the files when I found evidence of the affairs. Confronted him and he confessed.

18 months later, doing finances (he knew I was up to some financial stuff) and triggered badly. He works at home. Mind on other things. He came out of office. I said, upset "I am having a trigger I need reassurance"...he stood there and did not immediately react (I got mad and reacted and left room for a while) came back and talked. He could not switch so quickly from "job" mode to "help me" mode" he said. I felt it should just be automatic when I say "i am having a trigger...."

So instead of being reassured, (and he is capable and has done very well in the past) we ended up talking about HOW to talk about triggers and I STILL DID NOT GET REASSURANCE to my satisfaction.

I feel awful and like crap because the conversation turned into how to tell him what I need and I KNOW THAT IS IMPORTANT but for TODAY and this INCIDENT RIGHT NOW I somehow feel all upside down and I feel like I did something wrong when ALL I WANTED was reassurance....and ended up talking about HOW TO TALK ABOUT IT when I was really having a trigger that was the ORIGINAL TRIGGER (yes I told him this and we still ended up talking about how to talk about it)...and HELP!!!

I KNOW it is important to communicate to each other in the right way so that the other one can help; but I have to say right now I STILL did not get the reassurance and in fact i feel WORSE because I didn't understand that he just needed to switch context to help me AND NOW I FEEL BAD BECAUSE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT AND GOT the meantime we ended up talking about talking about it and the TRIGGER GOT LEFT BEHIND!!!!!!! AND NOW if I bring it up I end up like ...I have no idea what, but he is busy so to bring it up AGAIN is to drag it out, so I guess I have to let it go for the sake of R....this sucks...I am feeling today like I have to do MORE of the work for R...rational or not, I feel this now.

I don't want to make it worse. I just wanted could of ended there but he could not switch his mind so quickly and I understood that but after I understood that I STILL WANTED REASSURANCE...did he give it to me and I missed it?

Meanwhile he is under some times pressure and if I bring this all up I will be the inconsiderate, non-loving, not understanding wife again...I feel like this now as I feel ANGRY as all affair memory was TRIGGERED and I feel like saying to him: Okay I understand that I can say it better to you so that you can support me. I understand. Now can we deal with what was bothering me today? Can we deal with the actual trigger that I was struggling with and needed some reassurance from in words, apology, that you are glad to have me, that you know it is tough for me, that you are SORRY, that we will get through this TOGETHER....and then HUG me? I want to say this, but if I bring all this up again it drags it out...should I just let it go...I think I can...but I am not feeling very good right now...I don't feel like eating.

If anyone has bothered to read this, yesterday up and positive, today down....Is this really what 18 months out is LIKE?

maybe i just am not good at relationship..this is hard and i feel i being TOO understanding or not understanding is too hard to figure out sometimes.

and all this has triggered anger all over again and I will say it here (need to just spit it out whether it is true or not), if he had just been able to hug me and say, hey its ok SOON and switch CONTEXT and have it be automatic response kind of -- NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE BLOWN UP...and instead somehow I FEEL like the bad guy becasue I didn't UNDERSTAND..and STILL i did not get what I needed AGH>>>>>>>

I HATE YEAR TWO...feel i should be 'over it'...

[This message edited by morethantrying at 10:38 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

FixYou71 posted 7/22/2014 01:57 AM

Aww, this stuff sucks doesn't it? You're just trying to do normal everyday stuff and BAM! Your heart is broken all over again. I'm sorry you're hurting. I can understand what you're feeling and saying. I do think it's o.k. to bring it up again. You've had time to reflect in how the first try went wrong so use that lesson and go for try number two. Maybe wait till bedtime when he's finished with whatever this time crunch stuff is he's doing cause he has to stop then anyway.
I can totally relate to needing comfort and reassurance at inopportune times and it feels awful. It really makes you feel extra vulnerable. I think it's ok, and probably even a good idea to tell him that too.
Let us know how it goes. I hope you guys can find a way to get it down so you can feel some relief sooner next time.
(((MTT))) '

TrulySad posted 7/22/2014 14:23 PM

Oh sweetie, I know how you feel. All you needed was a hug and some reassurance, and instead it turned into how "he" needed you to approach the issue. It sounds like he needs some assistance in the empathy department. I don't think you did anything wrong.

I know there will be times when both the B and the W will not be at their best. Maybe rushed, or under outside pressures. The one who deserves the consideration in your particular situation was you. You were working, just like he was. It would have taken a minute in his day to comfort you. Not a lot to ask for, IMO. And honestly, you didn't ask for any of this. I don't believe he has a right to tell you how to approach him with your pain. I think what's more appropriate is for him to learn how to react when YOU have these triggers. Please don't feel like you're doing anything wrong by wanting your WH to comfort you, and expressing the pain during the workday. You're living with this 24/7. I don't think it's much to ask for him to be there when you need it.

Hoping you're having a better week (((Hugs)))

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