the day I found out (do not remember specific date and don't want to) but I do remember what I was doing...taking care of finances and looking though the files when I found evidence of the affairs. Confronted him and he confessed.
18 months later, doing finances (he knew I was up to some financial stuff) and triggered badly. He works at home. Mind on other things. He came out of office. I said, upset "I am having a trigger I need reassurance"...he stood there and did not immediately react (I got mad and reacted and left room for a while) came back and talked. He could not switch so quickly from "job" mode to "help me" mode" he said. I felt it should just be automatic when I say "i am having a trigger...."
So instead of being reassured, (and he is capable and has done very well in the past) we ended up talking about HOW to talk about triggers and I STILL DID NOT GET REASSURANCE to my satisfaction.
I feel awful and like crap because the conversation turned into how to tell him what I need and I KNOW THAT IS IMPORTANT but for TODAY and this INCIDENT RIGHT NOW I somehow feel all upside down and I feel like I did something wrong when ALL I WANTED was reassurance....and ended up talking about HOW TO TALK ABOUT IT when I was really having a trigger that was the ORIGINAL TRIGGER (yes I told him this and we still ended up talking about how to talk about it)...and HELP!!!
I KNOW it is important to communicate to each other in the right way so that the other one can help; but I have to say right now I STILL did not get the reassurance and in fact i feel WORSE because I didn't understand that he just needed to switch context to help me AND NOW I FEEL BAD BECAUSE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT AND GOT MAD...in the meantime we ended up talking about talking about it and the TRIGGER GOT LEFT BEHIND!!!!!!! AND NOW if I bring it up I end up like ...I have no idea what, but he is busy so to bring it up AGAIN is to drag it out, so I guess I have to let it go for the sake of R....this sucks...I am feeling today like I have to do MORE of the work for R...rational or not, I feel this now.
I don't want to make it worse. I just wanted reassurance...it could of ended there but he could not switch his mind so quickly and I understood that but after I understood that I STILL WANTED REASSURANCE...did he give it to me and I missed it?
Meanwhile he is under some times pressure and if I bring this all up I will be the inconsiderate, non-loving, not understanding wife again...I feel like this now as I feel ANGRY as all affair memory was TRIGGERED and I feel like saying to him: Okay I understand that I can say it better to you so that you can support me. I understand. Now can we deal with what was bothering me today? Can we deal with the actual trigger that I was struggling with and needed some reassurance from in words, apology, that you are glad to have me, that you know it is tough for me, that you are SORRY, that we will get through this TOGETHER....and then HUG me? I want to say this, but if I bring all this up again it drags it out...should I just let it go...I think I can...but I am not feeling very good right now...I don't feel like eating.
If anyone has bothered to read this, thanks...man yesterday up and positive, today down....Is this really what 18 months out is LIKE?
maybe i just am not good at relationship..this is hard and i feel awful...am i being TOO understanding or not understanding ENOUGH...it is too hard to figure out sometimes.
and all this has triggered anger all over again and I will say it here (need to just spit it out whether it is true or not), if he had just been able to hug me and say, hey its ok SOON and switch CONTEXT and have it be automatic response kind of -- NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE BLOWN UP...and instead somehow I FEEL like the bad guy becasue I didn't UNDERSTAND..and STILL i did not get what I needed AGH>>>>>>>
I HATE YEAR TWO...feel i should be 'over it'...
[This message edited by morethantrying at 10:38 PM, July 21st (Monday)]