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apoligies - questins to seniors

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morethantrying posted 7/22/2014 00:36 AM

18 months out.

How long after the affairs does WS get to stop apologizing...

For BS, when does "still "needing to hear it" start to look like "punishing" the WS...making them AGAIN eat humble pie and is therefore not conducive to good R?

Triggers call for apologies again or something else?

Struggling with this now.

karmahappens posted 7/22/2014 01:18 AM

My husband apologized for every hurt I had. Not only with words, but actions, hugs, a shoulder, an ear to listen. .... because being truly sorry for causing someone pain doesn't just end. ....

Needing to hear it is genuine and there is no timeline. Punishing on purpose is a different story and not conducive to R, IMO.

Triggers sometimes need to be discussed. We all need attention and help in different ways, don't be afraid to share your needs.

How are you guys struggling here?

Howie posted 7/22/2014 07:24 AM

Karma gives good advice. But yes, there is a time when you, the betrayed should release them from the apology mechanism-for your sake. There comes a time,after many months, when effectively, you have "renewed contract" with them.T his assumes they have been really remorseful. Now you are rebuilding your lives together.Part of that is not expecting an apology whenever. You may deserve it, but the betrayed too should show understanding on that point.Its not a matter of total forgiveness (good if you can, I can"t),it is a matter of moving on in your lives without daily, weekly carrying of overt baggage.Yes, discuss thing that really bother you, that's your right.But keep in mind, the betrayal is always going to bother you,Best--

Lionne posted 7/22/2014 07:34 AM

Meh. After 4+ years past the final d day, after years of lies and abuse, I still am in pain. I'm permanently damaged, I still trigger, my life was hijacked. He still is apologetic and appropriately so.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 7:35 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Tearsoflove posted 7/22/2014 13:50 PM

It's been four years since the last affair for me and he still apologizes if there is a trigger or something brings it up.

I don't go looking for apologies and we rarely discuss it anymore but true remorse means that it's never off the table for discussion if I need to talk about it and he never stops reassuring me if I'm having difficulty. Because it has consistently been this way, I find that I really have few triggers and rarely need to talk about it.

It takes a couple of years to get to this point with a remorseful, non-defensive wayward spouse and I would imagine it takes even longer with a defensive one who believes discussing it is punishment. In fact, if the wayward never loses the defensiveness, I would imagine the betrayed never feels safe enough to truly move forward.

Skan posted 7/22/2014 19:58 PM

We're over 2 years now. He will, upon occasion, apologize out of the blue, sort of an "I can't believe that I was willing to throw us away" or a variant of that. When I trigger, he's there for me and supportive. If we're alone, he'll apologize for causing me hurt if we're with others, he'll hold my hand, hug me, or tuck me into his side and kiss my hair. He apologizes a lot less frequently in whole, but he does it every time I need to hear one. He's gotten VERY good at reading me. And I don't expect him to do more than that. I have no need to punish him or demand reassurances just to hear them.

I'd say that it's pretty individual. And driven by what the BS needs.

RidingHealingRd posted 7/22/2014 20:46 PM

How long after the affairs does WS get to stop apologizing...

3+ years ago my WH told me that if I gave him a 2nd chance he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Sometimes that is going to mean repeated apologies...for the rest of his life.

When you are sad because of his A ~ he should apologize.
When you are hurt because of his A ~ he should apologize.
When you cry because of his A ~ he should apologize.
When you are depressed because of his A ~ he should apologize.
When you struggle because of his A ~ he should apologize.
When you trigger ~ he should apologize.

He should apologize every time you hurt due to his A; as a remorseful, accountable, caring WS he should want to apologize for the continued pain you experience.

Alex CR posted 7/23/2014 07:07 AM

They stop apologizing when they stop feeling sorry for what they did.....IMO, that should be never.

Almost five years out, it's rare the affair comes up or that I trigger or there's a need for us to discuss it. It took time, but I'm past the anger and realized if we were going to build a new marriage together, I also had to step up and stop trying to punish him, but there have been moments when its struck us out of the blue and H still says, "I'm sorry".

I am not looking for those apologies anymore, but he still feels sorry for what he did to us.. and I appreciate he is willing to say it.

Didact posted 7/23/2014 08:47 AM

^^^^ What Alex said sounds good to me.

The apologies should start before they really feel them, for the BS only. Then they should come when they are really hearfelt, early and often.

I don't expect to hear them forever, but while we're healing, I hope to.

Wodnships posted 7/23/2014 08:49 AM

I look a this a little bit different. Really I got tiered of hearing apologies a long time ago. It's easy to say "sorry" and think that fixes it. Changing your behavior is hard and much more important.

I guess in my mind sorry is a fairly meaningless. I'd much rather see actions.

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