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Newest Member: Ibelieved (46047)

User Topic: apoligies - questins to seniors
morethantrying
♀ 40547
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

18 months out.

How long after the affairs does WS get to stop apologizing...

For BS, when does "still "needing to hear it" start to look like "punishing" the WS...making them AGAIN eat humble pie and is therefore not conducive to good R?

Triggers call for apologies again or something else?

Struggling with this now.


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 325 | Registered: Sep 2013
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband apologized for every hurt I had. Not only with words, but actions, hugs, a shoulder, an ear to listen. .... because being truly sorry for causing someone pain doesn't just end. ....

Needing to hear it is genuine and there is no timeline. Punishing on purpose is a different story and not conducive to R, IMO.

Triggers sometimes need to be discussed. We all need attention and help in different ways, don't be afraid to share your needs.

How are you guys struggling here?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Howie
♂ 41922
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma gives good advice. But yes, there is a time when you, the betrayed should release them from the apology mechanism-for your sake. There comes a time,after many months, when effectively, you have "renewed contract" with them.T his assumes they have been really remorseful. Now you are rebuilding your lives together.Part of that is not expecting an apology whenever. You may deserve it, but the betrayed too should show understanding on that point.Its not a matter of total forgiveness (good if you can, I can"t),it is a matter of moving on in your lives without daily, weekly carrying of overt baggage.Yes, discuss thing that really bother you, that's your right.But keep in mind, the betrayal is always going to bother you,Best--

Posts: 192 | Registered: Jan 2014
scaredyKat
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meh. After 4+ years past the final d day, after years of lies and abuse, I still am in pain. I'm permanently damaged, I still trigger, my life was hijacked. He still is apologetic and appropriately so.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 7:35 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3870 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been four years since the last affair for me and he still apologizes if there is a trigger or something brings it up.

I don't go looking for apologies and we rarely discuss it anymore but true remorse means that it's never off the table for discussion if I need to talk about it and he never stops reassuring me if I'm having difficulty. Because it has consistently been this way, I find that I really have few triggers and rarely need to talk about it.

It takes a couple of years to get to this point with a remorseful, non-defensive wayward spouse and I would imagine it takes even longer with a defensive one who believes discussing it is punishment. In fact, if the wayward never loses the defensiveness, I would imagine the betrayed never feels safe enough to truly move forward.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4306 | Registered: Sep 2005
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're over 2 years now. He will, upon occasion, apologize out of the blue, sort of an "I can't believe that I was willing to throw us away" or a variant of that. When I trigger, he's there for me and supportive. If we're alone, he'll apologize for causing me hurt if we're with others, he'll hold my hand, hug me, or tuck me into his side and kiss my hair. He apologizes a lot less frequently in whole, but he does it every time I need to hear one. He's gotten VERY good at reading me. And I don't expect him to do more than that. I have no need to punish him or demand reassurances just to hear them.

I'd say that it's pretty individual. And driven by what the BS needs.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
RidingHealingRd
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long after the affairs does WS get to stop apologizing...

3+ years ago my WH told me that if I gave him a 2nd chance he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Sometimes that is going to mean repeated apologies...for the rest of his life.

When you are sad because of his A ~ he should apologize.
When you are hurt because of his A ~ he should apologize.
When you cry because of his A ~ he should apologize.
When you are depressed because of his A ~ he should apologize.
When you struggle because of his A ~ he should apologize.
When you trigger ~ he should apologize.

He should apologize every time you hurt due to his A; as a remorseful, accountable, caring WS he should want to apologize for the continued pain you experience.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Nov 2011
Alex CR
♀ 27968
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They stop apologizing when they stop feeling sorry for what they did.....IMO, that should be never.

Almost five years out, it's rare the affair comes up or that I trigger or there's a need for us to discuss it. It took time, but I'm past the anger and realized if we were going to build a new marriage together, I also had to step up and stop trying to punish him, but there have been moments when its struck us out of the blue and H still says, "I'm sorry".

I am not looking for those apologies anymore, but he still feels sorry for what he did to me...to us.. and I appreciate he is willing to say it.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1763 | Registered: Mar 2010
Didact
♂ 42867
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^ What Alex said sounds good to me.

The apologies should start before they really feel them, for the BS only. Then they should come when they are really hearfelt, early and often.

I don't expect to hear them forever, but while we're healing, I hope to.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 270 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: PNW
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I look a this a little bit different. Really I got tiered of hearing apologies a long time ago. It's easy to say "sorry" and think that fixes it. Changing your behavior is hard and much more important.

I guess in my mind sorry is a fairly meaningless. I'd much rather see actions.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 578 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Topic Posts: 10

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