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Afraid to tell OW's BH

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Ginny posted 7/22/2014 01:05 AM

Ignore the title. I didn't mean "OM", I meant the OW's BH.

I know everyone advises to tell the OW's BH. I would love to. I think he deserves to know his wife cheated on him (for at least the second time. She admitted to my fwh that she had another affair earlier in their marriage). I know it would help to have two sets of eyes on the WSs.

However, the OW's BH is, er, a bit less evolved. I don't know how to put that nicely. I have known him for years. I like him. My fwh really wants to apologize to him for what he has done. I have begged him not to as I am afraid he will fly off the handle and show up at our house looking to kill my fwh. I know he has a terrible temper and I know he has access to a lot of weapons. He is an avid hunter.

You read stories of this kind of thing happening everyday. I actually had an extended family member killed by a co-worker over a possible love triangle. It was devastaing to the families of all involved. I do not want to go through that.

What to do? Please advise.. It has been 9 months since d-day and I am 99% sure they have not continued the affair.

[This message edited by Ginny at 1:11 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Ginny posted 7/22/2014 01:08 AM

Before anyone reads that the wrong way, i am not equating the hunting with being less evolved. I mentioned that just to say I know he has access to lots of weapons.

The less evolved stems from watching him on the ball fields. He has a real temper. He is immature. He flies off the handle pretty easy. He doesn't act like a 50 year old man.

Shero posted 7/22/2014 01:28 AM

Ginny, do not tell the ow's bh. Just don't. You have expressed enough in your two posts to scare me, for you and your wh. Focus on YOU and your marriage. I can't read your other posts and I don't know your story, but ow's bh sounds like an awful person.

Ostrich80 posted 7/22/2014 02:47 AM

I would not and you say your 99% sure they are NC so in this case,.I agree, he could be dangerous.

Ginny posted 7/22/2014 05:34 AM

It helps to hear that. My gut instinct from the beginning was to protect my family at all costs. While I think he deserves to know about his wife, and I think my FWH SHOULD apologize, protecting my family is more important. I just felt so guilty everytime I saw a post that was adamant the other BS should know.

We have lived a drama free, Beaver Cleaver life together for 30 years. I hate what affairs do to people and how it affects their families!

heme posted 7/22/2014 05:58 AM

I wouldn't tell him.. You don't know what he would do to your family or his wife. I know it seems odd to worry about her but even someone who cheats doesn't deserve to be hurt by their spouse and if he has a temper like that no telling what he would do. Especially with a lot of weapons at his disposal.

wifehad5 posted 7/22/2014 06:27 AM

Fixed the title for you

whattheh posted 7/22/2014 06:35 AM

I didn't tell the OWs BH for similar reasons. My family comes first.

hopeful325 posted 7/22/2014 07:03 AM

Is there a way to tel him while keeping your identities secret? I've set up an anonymous email to use if I decide to tell OW BH, that way he doesn't know who I am.

Daisy312 posted 7/22/2014 07:19 AM

That is exactly why I didn't tell OWs BH either. He had just got home from his second duty in the army, was having some PTSD and her and him are huge into guns. I know how I reacted as a petite woman that was sane at the time. I don't think it's worth the risk to your family. Go nc and worry about your family.

Ginny posted 7/22/2014 16:07 PM

Thanks. You have all confirmed my gut feelings on this. I worry about the OW's safety, too. I know her daughters and I wouldn't want to see them hurting if something happened.

SpecialK posted 7/22/2014 16:35 PM

I totally get your fear for your family. I would hate to be in your situation.
To bad your husband didn't think about that before he cheated! I just hope that the BS doesn't find out down the road that you knew and didn't tell him. Especially if you socialize with them, he is going to feel even more betrayed. What if she gets a case of consciousness and decides to tell all?
Cheaters need to be aware that their selfishness affects ALOT of people, it isn't "all about them"!

Ginny posted 7/22/2014 17:18 PM

Since our kids are all out of college now there is no socializing. It was mostly at first that we crossed paths with due to the extracurricular activities of our children. (Our son and their daughter played on a co-ed team, I coached their other daughter for years.)

Then a small job opening came up at my FWH's place of employment (an hour a week mostly, more hours seasonally). I recommended her for the job. They worked pretty independently, touching base every six weeks or so for years, and the situation worked great - until it crossed the line.

FWH has actually driven to their house and knocked on the door to apologize, but they were not home. Thank God, as I was crying hysterically in the car all the way there. He has tried to contact OW's BH three times, each time with me begging him to stop. FWH is torn with remorse for what he did. It is me that is stopping the confrontation.

Ostrich80 posted 7/23/2014 03:04 AM

I was thinking too about ow. What she did was so wrong but I would hate to think he would harm his wife, mom. Sometimes those type take out the entire family and themselves. Your family comes first and.I would be scared to death thinking this guy could come knocking at your door.

lieshurt posted 7/23/2014 07:55 AM

If the OW wasn't concerned with how her BH would react, why are you?

Ginny posted 7/23/2014 09:30 AM

She wasn't worried Because she was so desperate for this to be her exit affair she didn't care how it all fell apart. That's her problem.

In any other circumstance I would WANT my FWH to apologize to the OW's BH.

Razor posted 7/23/2014 10:17 AM

I hope no one minds a different opinion.

You only seem to know this BH from what you see at ball fields and what you hear from others. But all this might be a assumption based on a lie.

My story.

Allot of lies were told by both OM and WW to each other. They lamented their bad marriages and their sad lot in life. This was the thing that first drew them together. and was the wedge that split their actions from their marriage vows and allowed the LTA to happen.

OM told my WW that his wife was a cold heartless woman and they never had sex. She was mean and complained and made his life miserable. She had cheated on him many times.

My WW told OM that I was abusive. That I was cruel and had a violent temper. Even that I would rape her when I wanted to have sex. I hit her and screamed at her and made her unhappy.

All of that was a lie.

I have a temper but I have NEVER been violent. I have NEVER struck my WW and certainly NEVER raped her. I rarely even raise my voice even when I am most angry.

I met OMs BW once and found her to be a warm and genuine person. Far from the cold fish he told my WW that she was.

Here is the key point.

OMs BW discovered the LTA about a year after it went PA. OM swore they ended the affair but begged her not to tell me because I would kill my WW. She believed him and I was never told.

And guess what? The LTA went underground and continued on for 2 more years.

I think you should tell this BH. He deserves to know.

lieshurt posted 7/23/2014 10:25 AM

She wasn't worried Because she was so desperate for this to be her exit affair she didn't care how it all fell apart. That's her problem.

I don't buy that. Somebody truly in fear would not risk an affair. I doubt the BH is the ogre he is being made out to be.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 10:25 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

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