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The biggest trigger - did you conquer it?

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Lark posted 7/22/2014 01:59 AM

For those who are well past their ddays and are in R... were you ever able to conquer or move past your biggest triggers?

Jrazz posted 7/22/2014 02:22 AM

I've been able to conquer a LOT of triggers. I think the biggest would be a certain location where my family used to vacation when I was young. I'm actually looking forward to taking it back when I can. It took a ton of time, but slowly I'm getting it all back. Large, mannish blondes with horrendous grammar don't bother me anymore.

tfkeel posted 7/22/2014 03:29 AM

No, there have been 28 years and 2 wives since DD, but when my wife admires other men, my insides twist into a pretzel and I want to find the nearest Jack Kevorkian franchise.

morethantrying posted 7/22/2014 03:38 AM

I am working on this now 18 months out.

My biggest trigger is "filing our finances" as that was what I was doing when I found "evidence". I had a hard time today, but after some anguish and misunderstandings we came around how to handle it and others like it as a couple. This seems to help, I think.

FixYou71 posted 7/22/2014 06:28 AM


Large, mannish blondes with horrendous grammar don't bother me anymore

Howie posted 7/22/2014 07:14 AM

16 years out now and much earlier, able to manage most triggers.Odd, unpredictable spells of pain/anger still well up from time to time, a "new" feature of my life.The frustration - I can't change what happened. But because I cant change it, I do just move on.Still, I ask myself "what did I do to deserve this?" Answer: nothing. Life goes on. And really, life is good.

Howie posted 7/22/2014 07:14 AM

16 years out now and much earlier, able to manage most triggers.Odd, unpredictable spells of pain/anger still well up from time to time, a "new" feature of my life.The frustration - I can't change what happened. But because I cant change it, I do just move on.Still, I ask myself "what did I do to deserve this?" Answer: nothing. Life goes on. And really, life is good.

CelticMomma posted 7/22/2014 07:36 AM

What did I do to deserve what he did?

That goes threw my mind at least 20 times a day as I'm new and just found out! I am moving and trying to work on things as I have all ducks lined up!
I have so many triggers and refuse to bight my tongue, I talk to him about what I'm feeling when I'm feeling! He knows he deserves what I dish out, he accepts it as my way of working on us.

We didn't do anything to deserve this, we all got put into a bad situation because others didn't think of consequences.

I'm new and I just felt I would drop in and say a few words. I have a long road ahead, I'm glad to see there are people who can get past the betrayal because it gives me hope for my marriage!

Lionne posted 7/22/2014 07:37 AM


stunnedin12 posted 7/22/2014 08:09 AM

Not conquered and until he retires, cell phones quit working and computers are obsolete, I'm thinking I'll trigger.

SadFlower posted 7/22/2014 08:32 AM

Certain motel chains are still triggers for me. Hampton Inn, Holiday Inn Express, Quality Inn, Comfort Inn, Red Roof Inn... Driving by one will set my stomach lurching.

However, FWH claims that the majority of their trysts were in "no-name" motels in a certain city, different ones every time, several of which were "real dives." It just makes the whole A seem even all the more sordid.

I recently had to book overnight reservations for a short trip we'll be taking in August and finally had to go with a somewhat pricey B&B. Anything that's not a chain, and that's not a dive.

2married2quit posted 7/22/2014 09:30 AM

2yrs out and still working on them. Main trigger is going to the location where they messed around. HATE going by there. Some songs just kill me still. I think the mind movies have gotten better.

Hatemyhusband posted 7/22/2014 10:20 AM

Well, his lover was heavily involved in our lives bc she was y friend. Triggers? There are thousands but some BIG ones. I'm 8 months out but I took my triggers head on. What do I mean? I went to every place they had sex. Yup, even got a room in the crack motel. Walked in and walked out. Sat in lot
The two beaches they went to. The abandoned home. The cemetary. Her school

Any where I thought I would freak out, I tackled. I hit it head on. Let myself cry and I took the places back. (Some I didn't want) but beaches I did. Screw her and him. No one will stop me from doin or going anywhere

Triggers. None make me cry anymore. The affair pops in my head. I push it out many times. I no longer want to cry. I went three weeks wo a tear and broke pms days. Now I determined to not let this chick take any more time from my beautiful life.

notanavrageangel posted 7/22/2014 12:02 PM

I am still new here. DDAY #1 was July 4th, when I was contacted by OW spouse telling me my husband was having an affair with his lady. DDAY 2 was when my husband finally admitted to it, just this past Friday July 18th. Its been rough. Lots of highs and lows. I have been having lots of sex with him i think as a way of feeling close to him, and because I want him to see that I can be enough for him. It's sad. I have cried after, and he holds me and cries too. I know he is remorseful. We started therapy yesterday, so I have a positive outlook for the future. I love reading the stories of marriages that become stronger in the wake of the devastation. I already felt like our marriage and communication could be improved prior to this. WH and I both come from broken families an have no good examples of what a marriage should look like. It's slow going I am angry and sad, and I can tell he is sad for what he has done to me, says it wasn't because of me and I didn't deserve this hurt. I saw pictures of OW unfortunately so I get flashes and have had dreams of them being together and woke up crying. It's been rough but we are both committed to building a stronger marriage where this hell could not possibly become a reality again and that gives me hope.

Rebreather posted 7/22/2014 12:19 PM

Conquered? Eh... I don't let it hinder me from doing what I want and go where I want. Usually I get a little moment of pause, but push through.

I have a weirdness that just started though. Last summer I drove very close to her house, which is a bit over 2 hours away. I didn't realize it at the time, until I was close, then it really shook me up. I'd never been there before. Ever since, I have a desire to go there and look at it. He stayed there with her almost weekly for many months. 98% of me says that I don't care, I'm over it, I'm done, it's pain shopping, don't do it. But that 2% is very vocal in my brain. But what am I gonna do? Drive 2.25 hours and sit there and look at it? Take a crap on her lawn? Bring my two big dogs and feed them fast food and leave them in the car for 2 hours until they have explosive diarrhea on her yard? I don't know why my revenge fantasies all involve poop.

Anyway, other than THIS, I would say I'm pretty well conquered.

DixieD posted 7/22/2014 12:24 PM

My husband was my biggest trigger and yes, I'd say I conquered that.

@ Jrazz

But what am I gonna do? .... Take a crap on her lawn?

I'd pay to see that.

Jrazz posted 7/22/2014 12:35 PM

Ohhhhh Rebreather!

Its Better Now? posted 7/22/2014 12:47 PM

For me it's blue Chevrolet pick ups of a certain year model range (OM's truck). If I meet one in on coming traffic , I have a baby trigger. If one comes up behind me or stops at a red light beside me, major trigger.

Lark posted 7/22/2014 12:54 PM

My husband sold his truck, so I think that would've been one of the biggest triggers and am glad we are rid of it. Every time I do see one on the road, though, I feel my stomach turn.

His "thing" with OW1 was the moon. She was moon obsessed. Moon nicknames. Taking daily pictures of the moon. Writing poetry about the moon. When her husband found out and it went to only emotional, it was short stories about the moon. He took pictures of the moon on our family camping trip (to celebrate 5 years married), at Disneyland for our daughter's birthday, and on many other outings when he was out with me and the girls. He had a moon cycle app as the main widget on his phone to show up in the background. Sickly, my children love the moon as well (the baby's first word was moon), and I would take pictures of it and send them to him as a "hey look what your kids are excited about right now." One time, I sent it while he was on his "date" with her, in the middle of them having sex.

How on earth do I even start to try and get past that whether I'm with him or not? It makes me so furious and sick and everything.

ascian posted 7/22/2014 13:10 PM

Almost one year out, and yes. That's not to say that here, in the midst of "affair season" I don't have rough spots or bad days, but they don't rule my emotions now.

I was a bit...aggressive with my triggers, though. I really didn't like the fact that my wife's choices could dictate life-long negatives for me, so I basically stared down every trigger I could. And those I couldn't I talked down with my therapist or with my wife, and continue to do so as things come up.

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