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SusanR posted 7/22/2014 04:29 AM

After more than a year of arguing back and forth about divisions of assets and debts and, not seeing a resolution (we weren't able to agree on his income or spousal support), filed for a separation agreement with the court. Told my FWH that I was going to do it.

I had my attorney remove language from the Restraining Order about any physical harrassment/harm because I thought it would only serve to hurt his feelings.

He countered with an extremely low amount of monthly support with a time limit, did not report all of his income on his affadavit of income and, issued a counter claim asking the court to grant him separation from me.

I asked him why and he said his attorney said it was SOP to which I replied he still didn't have to do it I stated it is our marriage, our lives, our future he was allowing her to dictate.

He says he wants the SA to be done and behind us but he keeps doing things to drag it out. He agreed to move out, then changed his mind, stated he didn't need legal representation, then changed his mind.

I asked why they put a time limit on the support and he said that was in case it turned into a divorce, he didn't want to pay me support forever. Well, this is not a divorce.

I am trying very hard not to convince myself that this is all part of the legal process and it will work itself out.

Feeling very hurt by this turn of events.

[This message edited by SusanR at 4:32 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

betrayedfriend posted 7/22/2014 07:51 AM

I get that it hurts, but his "in case it turns into divorce" is actually letting you in on his plans. I'd get your ducks in a row sister.

Sleepingbeauty posted 7/22/2014 08:16 AM

Stop being "nice." Look at this as a business deal and your survival/ I agree with betrayed friend, he is telling you he actually wants a divorce.

I m sorry to say but it's time to take of the kid gloves and be prepared to fight.

Why do you care if you hurt his feelings? He isn't caring about yours. Take care of yourself and what you need. Let your attorney do his job and help yoy.

alphakitte posted 7/22/2014 14:33 PM

Susan, separation agreements may be used in a divorce to determine division of assets, amounts of support, etc. If you agree to these things in separation you may welll face the court's decision that it is good enough in divorce.

He may well be setting you up. Do not agree to anything in a separation agreement that you wouldn't agree to in divorce.

His attorney is representing him and he may well have disclosed to her that he intends to divorce. Certainly an attorney won't put something into an agreement that your spouse didn't agree to. He can't blaim this on his attorney. This is something that HE wants.

Nature_Girl posted 7/22/2014 14:47 PM

He's going to divorce you. I urge you not to accept anything short of what you actually deserve. Believe me when I tell you that what you accept in a SA will be what you get in a divorce decree.

This is business. It is time for you to accept this and behave accordingly.

peridot posted 7/23/2014 01:10 AM

If there is an OW in the picture, he is for sure going to divorce you. Get everything you would want in a divorce and don't take any less.

PurpleRose posted 7/23/2014 01:18 AM

I agree... He is planning a divorce, not just a separation.

And what you have in a separation is very often what you get in divorce. Be careful! Stop playing "nice" with him.

He doesn't deserve it. And you deserve so much better...

SusanR posted 7/23/2014 05:48 AM

Very interesting that everyone thinks he is planning a divorce. I told him I thought he was behaving as if this was a divorce action and although he has said he would do "anything" to get me back, his actions say otherwise.

He says my demands are too great, that he can't supply them. I said that he could if he was willing to change his lifestyle a little. I shouldn't have to suffer due to his infidelity.

He could meet my demands but he'd have to refinance his house and stop eating all his meals in restaurants. I just want to be able to pay my bills. I don't think I should have to give up my gym membership etc.

I could survive without any support from him at all but it would be difficult. I don't think I should have to do that but some friends have suggested I do that just to get this over with.

We have a court date on Aug 4 and a judge is supposed to issue a temporary order. I guess we'll see what happens then and go from there.

Just have to remember "one day at a time" and "keep breathing".

[This message edited by SusanR at 5:54 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

nekorb posted 7/23/2014 06:03 AM

I could survive without any support from him at all but it would be difficult. I don't think I should have to do that but some friends have suggested I do that just to get this over with.

Your friends are WRONG. Do not let him wear you down. Do not. Get what you are entitled to. You didn't start this mess. Make sure you finish it.

And yes, this is going to turn into a divorce.

alphakitte posted 7/23/2014 06:32 AM

Susan, you know the drill. Focus on what he is doing, and not doing, not on what he says.

What plans are there, during separation, to reconcile and reunite? No plans? . . .

[This message edited by alphakitte at 6:32 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

SusanR posted 7/29/2014 05:25 AM

@AK -
We agreed to couples counselling after the Separation was completed. The counselor said he thought he could help us build a new relationship with a more solid foundation.

Much of what I want to deal with, I am holding back until then.

Sometimes, I don't think I shoould even talk to him at all before this is over. But I find myself sucked in to family events when my daughter and granddaughter are involved and he is, too. GD is 2 and I don't want to scar her childhood.

For instance, I asked him twice if he had told his attorney about the extent of our history and his repeated affair and he gave me partial answers like "she knows I had an affair and we are living in separate houses'. I really pinned him down th third time and he admitted she didn't know I had reconciled with him twice already, thatbI had emails, hotel receipts, restaurant receipts, gift receipts, and pictures. So, he's not even being honest with his attorney.

Why can't he just be truthful? Why do I have to pin him down? This will have to change before any R.

sparkysable posted 7/29/2014 07:38 AM

Do you REALLY think this guy is capable of R? People who want to R don't file for legal separation. I'm sorry, but you really need to take your blinders off and see what we are seeing from the outside. His words mean nothing, his actions mean everything. And his actions are screaming that he does not want to R. He is feeding you fancy words to keep you on the hook and keep your hopes up, meanwhile he's planning a sneak attack. Open your eyes, seriously, before you get completely burned and look around at the charred remains wondering what just happened.

SusanR posted 7/29/2014 10:31 AM

@Sparky - I filed for legal separation first. I really want to be autonomous before we start trying to rebuild (if that is even possible). He sees the SA as unfair and that, he says, is the basis for his fighting this BUT he also told me, at a different time that he didn't know why his attorney filed a counterclaim. He's obviously not being truthful with her or me. We have court on Monday morning and I will let my attorney handle things. I will also advise her of my concerns.

I really don't think he wants a divorce but he doesn't want to pay a financial penalty for his infidelity either.

hopefulmom44 posted 7/29/2014 15:19 PM

I really don't think he wants a divorce but he doesn't want to pay a financial penalty for his infidelity either.

Susan-Be careful. Why would he care about HIS money now? He should be focusing on his relationship issues. Sending hugs your way.