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Hi...rough patch suddenly. Suddenly triggers are hitting me and I am reacting...I think it may be because I FEEL SAFE with him now. Such a paradox...now that I feel safe, I feel SAFE to let him have it a bit....I need his understanding and support even though...am I testing his resolve? I don't know....

I know he wants me, wants to be with me in this relationship and is remorseful and doing stuff right, and feel really bad (that makes me feel good sometimes) and now that I FEEL SAFE, it"...is this strange?

I am not really really letting him have it but I am letting him have it more than I did when we were earlier on (I think) I had a few good triggers recently...his porn and the Mama of all triggers today.....

...i was afraid I think earlier on and unsure if he might bolt (though there were never any indications of that)..now I am scared I may OVERDUE the trigger emotions and expression of them....

I just want some calming thoughts and feelings...I wish I could just feel love and that's all ...is it possible...?

Just feel love, nothing else...forget it all one night and just feel love...be in the moment and love...that would be so nice....

[This message edited by morethantrying at 5:42 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Early on i had a mantra that I repeated to myself MANY times. I did it while walking on the treadmill, when I couldn't sleep, in the car, anytime I needed peace and love and hope. I did it to just clear my mind to know it was enough to just "be".

Mine was a variation of a verse from the Bible. I would say over and over, with a pretty easy cadence:

Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I AM.
Be still and know. Be still and know.
Be still. Be still
Be.

I don't remember where I got that idea. I do not mean to offend if that is not a belief system you share.

I actually think the lyrics to the new song on the radio, "Peace" by O.A.R. might work as a mantra, too:

"I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace"

[This message edited by Ginny at 6:02 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Aww. Yes. It is hard. Just to feel love and only love without all the other thoughts and fears playing on in our heads would be a very beautiful thing. I hope that day comes. I hope for it all the time. I hope it for you as well.
I like the idea if having a phrase or two that you sort of meditate on. Perhaps you and your H could talk about this and he could give you something from his heart that you could say to yourself when you're afraid or hurting. Something loving and reaffirming.

Sorry you're having a rough time. Triggers suck.