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Feeling stupid and betrayed

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Coco42 posted 7/22/2014 07:51 AM

This may not be as bad as some of the other stories I've read, but it hurts just the same. I've been with my boyfriend for six months. It has been intense and whirlwind from the start. I just found out three weeks ago that back in April and May for a six-week period of time, he was sexting with a female friend of his. I saw the texts myself. They weren't the raunchiest, but bad enough to make feel betrayed. This stopped on its own, and that was that. There was no sex. Now, two days ago, I saw that he had sent an email in the beginning of May to his ex-girlfriend after running in to her that he was sorry for his part in their relationship being bad and that he loved her and always will. Finding out about these things after the fact makes it really hard to trust him. We also live together now. He is extremely remorseful and sorry. He says he is absolutely only in love with me. I have full access to all of his stuff, email, phone, you name it. Because he says he wants full transparency with me. Those women are blocked and deleted from all his stuff, and there's no further contact. I feel it's a tad early for all this crap. I just need to know how to move on since I didn't leave him, and not want to get spyware on his phone (even though I can look at it whenever I want). I am 38 year-old divorced woman (who has been single for the last five years) with one child. Just need thoughts from others on this...

Sleepingbeauty posted 7/22/2014 08:10 AM

First of all you are not stupid!! BP yes and unfortunately as time goes on you may learn more about his indiscretions. Take care of yourself. Try to get plenty of sleep,eat, and distress as much as possible.

You are still early on but it sounds like you want to R so you might want to read in the reconciliation forums.

Chippednotbroken posted 7/22/2014 08:22 AM

I don't want to mean or harsh but just coming out of a 10 year marriage where we dated for 3 before and he was basically cheating the whole time I would never stay. If I could go back and slap myself for staying past six months I would. I slap myself now.
I hate not being able to trust someone and you just can't get that back. Sit down and really be honest with yourself, will you be looking over your shoulder always questioning. Do you think you will be doing this again in one year? In three?
I'm sorry for your situation. Maybe a journal and write it all down? Talk it out with yourself. Good luck. Keep posting, don't feel stupid (at some point we all feel like the dumbest people on earth, the ones we trusted the most violated us after all).

somer222 posted 7/22/2014 09:20 AM

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I think he is full of it, personally. First, sexting, but no sex? Hmmmm. Have you talked to the sexting partner to confirm his story?

And why was he reaching out in an email to an old gf, telling her he will always love her? Have you talked to the old gf to find out if he has made any other contact with her and also to find out why their relationship ended? Did he cheat on her? If you are considering staying in this relationship, I would recommend making contact with these women and seeing what they have to say.

What you know is that he has engaged and has attempted to engage with other women - when you were supposed to be in a committed relationship. This is never a good thing. This is a red flag. There could be more that you do not know about and unfortunately, there is no way to successfully monitor his activities because there are ways to get around this, if a person is inclined to cheat.

I'm very sorry for you. I know how hugely disappointing this is, but it is best to know just what you are dealing with now, rather than later. I think you have enough already to move on. He has betrayed you and he has broken your trust and trust is the foundation of a committed relationship.

Stay strong and keep posting. You will get lots of support and very good advice.

Big hugs,

norabird posted 7/22/2014 09:24 AM

I'm so sorry. Unfortunately, the whirlwind romance that sweeps you off your feet is too often a cover for troubled behavior. You fell so in love with him that you're now trapped and a ready victim for his lies. There arev tons of red flags here and you really need to heed them or you will be very sorry down the line. I know you love him and want to believe him--that is how he is able to get away with manipulating you, though.

I don't know why he is the way he is, but your WBF needs external validation, and he doesn't know how to have one strong and authentic connection with a partner. Other women are pawns to him.

I know I sound jaded, but i went through a false R in which I was told a lot of things about how much I was loved, etc etc, and in the end he was STILL lying and cheating during that time.

Some people are just very broken and very dangerous and the signs here point to your wBF being one of them.

How did he end up moving in with you, out of curiosity?

Coco42 posted 7/22/2014 11:41 AM

Thanks for the replies. His lease was up on his apartment at the end of June. He lived an hour away, but was always here. So he left the city he lived in and we agreed that we wanted to live together.

somer222 posted 7/22/2014 16:15 PM

Did his move to your city involve a job change, or did he keep the job he had?

Coco42 posted 7/22/2014 16:38 PM

He goes back to his former city twice a week for his job. The rest he can do here where I am.

somer222 posted 7/22/2014 17:20 PM

Have you given any additional thought as to what you are going to do?

Coco42 posted 7/22/2014 19:17 PM

For now, I'm staying. So far actions are matching what he's saying. He starts independent counseling on Thursday. That was his idea. I'm going to keep my ears and eyes wide open and take off the rose-colored glasses. We'll see...

brkn_heartd posted 7/22/2014 20:02 PM

I am sorry you needed to join us. Betrayal hurts, and he betrayed you. Please know that you are still very early into this as is he. I imagine he is not remorseful, but regretful that he got caught. Remorse and regret are not the same thing. Also, he knows you caught him with the his phone/computer. He is now expecting you to watch it. I would be highly suspicious of him going underground. That would be a secret email, a disposable phone, etc. Do not let your guard down until you feel like you can really trust him. Trust has to be is amazing how one or two actions can utterly destroy trust and it can take years to be earned back.

Right now, take care of yourself. You mentioned he was in IC, you might consider it for yourself. While you have had a "whirlwind" 6 months, he has had an emotional affair at least twice on you already. He has poor boundaries. Your emotions will shift back and forth. That is normal. Post here often. We are here for you.

somer222 posted 7/22/2014 21:19 PM

Wishing you the best.

Coco42 posted 7/23/2014 07:11 AM

Thanks, everyone...

I'm really not sure if I can do this. I'm a strong, confident woman and I don't want to obsess over what someone may be doing, and that's what I'm doing. I haven't had to deal with crap like this since high school. I just don't know what's wrong with some people :-(

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/23/2014 08:24 AM

Coco, how remorseful can he really BE when he's spent a good portion of your very short relationship flirting/sexting/proclaiming his love to other women???

He's not 'remorseful.' It sounds as though all he's DONE is try to shop for the 'Bigger, Better Deal' during these 6 months you've been with him. I guess when he wasn't able to trade up, he still had good old Cocoa waiting in the wings.

Real nice.

He has no remorse. He regrets you FOUND OUT and he now has to deal with the fallout of his crap behavior, but that's about it.

And honestly, how can you believe anything out of his mouth when out of the left side of it, he's proclaiming his never-ending love to his ex-girlfriend while out of the right side, he's telling YOU "I'm absolutely ONLY in love with you!"

Oh my God, what a freakin' phoney.

Look, you've been given the gift of sight at the 6 month mark. You're very LUCKY!!!! Most of us don't get that gift so early in the game - most of us are already married or financially/legally entangled or have kids with our cheaters by the time we find out what they're really made of - and by then we can't get out as easily.

You were given the gift of sight this early for a REASON. Don't ignore it.

When someone clearly shows you who they ARE, believe them, Coco. Believe them.

I promise you, if you stay with this guy, you'll be back here in the future telling us you should have listened to us because we were right. But by then, you may have married him or had kids with him or bought a house together, etc. etc. and it won't be that easy to extricate yourself.

Good luck to you.

SMSA925 posted 7/23/2014 10:00 AM

Coco, you are very lucky to find out who your BF really is so early. IMO you need to move on before you find yourself in this same situation when you're married with kids. It doesn't matter what he says. What matters is what he does and how he makes you feel. He is showing you who he really is, believe him. You deserve better, your unborn kids deserve a better father

norabird posted 7/23/2014 10:11 AM

You do not have to stay with him. You are right--the triggers are at first unending, and R is a lot (a lot) of work. The obsessing over someone you can't control comes out of fear of being hurt again--reasonable fear. Can he really do that work when he couldn't even be good to you over this short span of time? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

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