I am so sorry for this pain you are carrying.
You do not have to accept this as your life, R or S/D you can heal. Can you get into IC? What is going on at home now?
Please don't hide your pain...burying it won't make it go away. It will just go deeper into your heart.
You deserve to be free of the sadness and pain. Finding your way can get you past this. Please see/talk to someone.
Come here and post if you can't do IC, there is always a better road, you just have to find yours.