Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
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Newest Member: hstones (61101)

User Topic: Hurting Again
♀ 38310
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt I was doing everything right. I knew I needed to work on myself too. I believed him. We have been doing everything together. How can I be so stupid? I still didn't trust so I was checking on him occasionally. Not near as much as I use to.
We took dance classes and went to Mexico. I thought we were healing.
Then I looked at his phone while he was in the other room when I heard something come in. He had another email address I didn't know about. There was a message from the OW. It didn't say much about anything but there it was. I confronted. He told me he never wrote her back, ever. He said he would get rid of the email address.
Two months later I again looked at his phone while he was sleeping. I found her email address and looked into the phone deeper. I changed the password so I could see what was said. There they were. Many emails and a confirmed meeting with her in a bar on Mar. 14th. Talk about how good it was to see each other and talk about him saying he was done with her. But still talk of feelings about each other and him saying "Baby,you know we can't be together, you need to see other guys." Her talking about memories and fantasies about when they first meant. Her saying she knew he needed to stay with his family because his grand kids meant so much to him and he would have more to loose then she would if they stayed together.
It was sickening and so hurtful.
When I ask about him deleting the email address he said he only did on his phone but did not get rid of it on line. It is now deleted but I am having so much trouble coping with this all over again.
Still going on vacations, still living this life. Still crying. I put up with too much and I know what you all will say but it's too hard. This seems to be my life now. Hide the pain from everyone and pretend everything is the same.

D Day May 27, 2012
Married 39 years
2 kids, 3 grand kids and 1 on the way

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so sorry for this pain you are carrying.

You do not have to accept this as your life, R or S/D you can heal. Can you get into IC? What is going on at home now?

Please don't hide your pain...burying it won't make it go away. It will just go deeper into your heart.

You deserve to be free of the sadness and pain. Finding your way can get you past this. Please see/talk to someone.

Come here and post if you can't do IC, there is always a better road, you just have to find yours.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't hide anything. Call him out. Put a plan in place before u do so and be ready to act on it. Gain back control. You want to hide it, hide while u plot and plan. Hide $. Cancel credit cards in joint name. See an atty. Look over your finances.

Do u have kids? Plan plan plan.
Then call him out on his shit. All or nothig, tell him. Bc u are ready. And then act if he hides it deceived again.

Do not. Settle!

Posts: 652 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 38310
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't know how to get rid of the sadness. He seems to say the right things but then lies so much.
I have been putting money away for 2 years since this all started. I have an account with my son as it was his suggestion.
Our kids are grown and will do anything for me.
I've been trying to have a plan in place and did see an attorney at the beginning of this.
I keep thinking the contact is over and more stuff comes up. He used to tell the OW when we would go on vacation or take dance lessons and she would find a way to write so I would see it about what they did in bed when he got back. She would be angry and try to come between us several times. I believe I have everything blocked now.
Today I'm having a hard time, I think, because we just got back again from a 2 week vacation and it's like I expect another message somehow.
I just don't understand why he would tell her, let her write these horrible messages that I would see and then continue communication with her.

D Day May 27, 2012
Married 39 years
2 kids, 3 grand kids and 1 on the way

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♀ 42546
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imo you aren't in R if he still communicates with her. You have everything blocked now. They will create new ways to talk, to meet. You may or may not find those. He hasn't decided or fully committed to NC. Until he does this will keep happening. It sounds like maybe the physical part of the A is over but as long as he responds to her in anyway the disrespect to you continues. He is putting soothing her feelings and comforting her ahead of your feelings. He knows it hurts you amd still continues. It's up to you to decide if you can live with that.
My boundaries today include no contact of any kind and immediate disclosure if she attmpts contact with him. He knows this is a dealbreaker for me. No excuses. No more lies or justifications. That is where I am. You have to decide where you stand. I think you deserve better.

Me: 45 Him: 40 M May 1998
1DS 23(mine) 1 DD 15 ours
DD: 7/26/13, 9/16/13, 11/15/13, 1/5/14 ( 4 DDays over 5 months same OW - EA/PA lasting 13 months)
R until 11/20/15-kissed a friend. 11/28/15 TT 1/3/16 TT & more. Reconciling

Posts: 553 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ 43131
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I agree that there can be no reconciliation if there is any continued contact. I understand not wanting to lose your life and husband, but it appears that you already have. I'm so sorry.

"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 372 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
♀ 38310
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in R. He obviously was not. We have been doing everything together. I believed him.
I have told him that if I ever find out he is continuing contact at all he needs to pack his shit and get out.
For me that is a very hard thing to act on but told him I can't do this anymore. And I will act on it.

D Day May 27, 2012
Married 39 years
2 kids, 3 grand kids and 1 on the way

Posts: 190 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 7

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