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Try it...letting go

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wert posted 7/22/2014 10:19 AM

It has taken me a long time but I am really working on letting go of my anger once and for all. It takes time and focus, but each time I do it feels like I am free. I highly recommend it.

I have decided to embark on this mission not for my M or my W but for me alone. I truly think this needs to be a personal journey for me and not one shared with my W. She will benefit from the results.

Here are a few things I am doing which help:

1) When running, if fear or frustration rise up I pretend I am pounding them down with my feet. Bad for the knee's, good for the brain.

2) When fear and anger over what happened crop up I imaging them as little clouds (that is all thoughts are anyway) floating by. I check it out, see if I have processed before and if so let it float away. Think, feel, classify, float away.

As time progresses in this journey after the A, I continue to reflex on my journey vs my M's. The differentiation process that was happening naturally for me in my M pre-A has picked again in healthy ways due to letting go.

Letting go just about always feels good. Try it, you will like it. Holding on to the past kills the present and to a large extent the future. That is too high of a price for anyone to pay. Often time in these forums I read question after question about the WS or the BS. I strongly suggestion everyone look inward first. If the sentiment on SI (and broadly) is to be believed (we can't control anyone but ourselves) the inward glance seem to be where healing occurs.

take care...

heartbroken2012 posted 7/22/2014 10:22 AM

I am SO trying to do this.

This is good advice.

Christy516 posted 7/22/2014 10:23 AM

Thank you for posting this. It is exactly what i needed to read today!

tired girl posted 7/22/2014 10:30 AM

If the sentiment on SI (and broadly) is to be believed (we can't control anyone but ourselves) the inward glance seem to be where healing occurs.

X 1000


Once I planted both feet in the marriage and took care of where I wanted to be a lot of the rest took care of itself.

Glad to hear that you are letting go of some of this.

meplusfour posted 7/22/2014 10:30 AM

Wert, It's nice to hear from you. I was wondering how you were doing. I am struggling with letting go of my anger and your analogy of clouds floating by resonates with me. I feel that my anger was more like a wave that swept over me, took my breath away and knocked me off balance. I love the concept of anger as small clouds floating by, and having the power to check them out as I see fit.

Wishing you a sunny day

Its Better Now? posted 7/22/2014 13:18 PM

As I just finished replying to another thread on this forum, but I'll say it again, I had to let go for ME! I had to forgive both FWW and OM for my own sanity and well being. I didn't do them any favors at all in the letting go or the forgiveness. The favor done was to myself that I might free myself from the anger and the bitterness that were consuming me from within me. It hasn't been easy at times, and no it doesn't change one damn thing externally about this whole mess, but I am at peace with me internally.And really, without that, nothing else matters anyway. Let Go For You! Use whatever method works for you, but like Nike says: Just Do It! You are so worth the relief and victory in your life.

karmahappens posted 7/22/2014 13:29 PM

I found for me, I had to live my life with thought. I had to slow myself down and make thoughtful decisions, quiet my crazy brain and let the negative thoughts move along.

It is freeing and it does calm you. Working on me was the biggest piece to MY R, to my healing and to my happiness.

wert posted 7/22/2014 14:50 PM

TG - Yeah the "I put my feet in" is critical. I am somewhat convinced (as much as I am of anything I suppose) that M is a singular thing. I have a M. My W has an M. We both experience it separately not together. Its when we share how we experience it that matters to both of us.


I found for me, I had to live my life with thought

"Word to the moms, I came to drop bombs" - House of Pain

That is good stuff right there. I had a pretty healthy thought pattern prior to the A, crazy time. It really threw me for a loop. Racing thoughts, obsession, I really just simply did not know how to deal with it. I never had too before. This is where meditation has really helped. It's not about calm for me. My brain is rarely calm. Pretty sure I don't want it to be. I just want it to be directed by me and not me just worried about shit. That is where the dedication to focusing on now comes in. It's about recognizing thoughts and getting to make decisions about which ones I want to value. It takes a lot of work, but its sooo worth it.

I love the concept of anger as small clouds floating by, and having the power to check them out as I see fit.

It's obviously not that simple, but in essence anger and all feelings are just that. Feelings. There importance can be and should be decided by us.

take care...

LA44 posted 7/22/2014 21:53 PM

Hey Wert! Good to see your name. I still think of the post you made before this one (I believe) - you sitting on the beach on vacay with your wife and family and saying, "Ok. Enough! I have given the A enough time in my head." A conscience decision to move forward.

So, thanks for another update. I love this...

I am somewhat convinced (as much as I am of anything I suppose) that M is a singular thing. I have a M. My W has an M. We both experience it separately not together. Its when we share how we experience it that matters to both of us.

gabear posted 7/22/2014 23:54 PM

I really needed to read this - Thank you

Ginny posted 7/23/2014 06:20 AM

Ok. Enough! I have given the A enough time in my head." A conscience decision to move forward.

This. Yes. Thank you for what I needed to hear this morning.

brokensmile322 posted 7/23/2014 06:36 AM

Love this post, Wert. Love the idea of the clouds.

You are so right. At some point, I made the decision for me, too. And I truly believe it IS a decision.

It is easy to get stuck in all the thoughts of the A and to keep living it, reliving it etc… However, there comes a time when YOU can put a stop to living that way.

This thought ^^ was the biggest break through for me 2+ years out. When I realized that any victim can heal without the victimizer being present or helpful.

Anyone reading this post, digest that ^^. If you have a model WS, great. But if your WS is sometimes on and sometimes off or they don't quite match up to what people would call a stellar WS, YOU can still heal your pain. YOU can still choose to not live in that valley of awful A thoughts and triggers.

Obviously, this is for the BS who is much farther out in their healing and journey, but I think it is such a refreshing thought to realize that YOU CAN HEAL ON YOUR OWN.

Thanks for the post, Wert!

ItsaClimb posted 7/23/2014 07:11 AM

I love the concept of letting go, but find it really, really hard to do!

Not sure if that is because I am not ready to let go, or simply because I am almost addicted to the pain.

For long-timers, at what point did you feel ready to let go? I mean, how far out where you? I am coming up for 2 years now and I'm thinking it's time, but each time I commit to letting go it works for a week or two and then *wham* I am back in pain and anger central again!

wert posted 7/23/2014 10:36 AM

Obviously, this is for the BS who is much farther out in their healing and journey, but I think it is such a refreshing thought to realize that YOU CAN HEAL ON YOUR OWN.

I get what you are saying that the insanity that often follows dday is not a time for healing, it a time for being pissed and feeling that hate, disappointment, fear, regret and pain fully. That has to happen to heal I think. I think it is also a step that many want to skip because it sucks. People, BS especially, want to heal the M right away. They want to bond with the idiot that just betrayed them because of fear (either of M or that they can hate the bastard.) But I think that stage of turning your back on your spouse is critical, it was the time I really turned inward toward what I wanted fully and only then could I really work on us. Ironic, but I needed to reject my W to accept her again. But yeah, the stuff I am talking about it a little further along.

As an aside this is a contradiction in terms -

If you have a model WS, great.
There is no such thing. So I stab someone and then think to myself, of that was a bad thing to do, wasn't it? I am all about forgiveness, I am all about acceptance, I am all about people can change, but that does not negate the original act, nor does it make the person any less of an asshat at the time. A "model" WS can lull a BS into not feeling their own feelings like the disgust for the WS or at best it can confuse them. That is why turning away first is almost always best, even is the you have a "model" WS. I often have read (shit I may even have said it myself at the time) about how the BS "loves" the WS even right after dday. I just think that is a pile of shit. If the BS needs to accept that a WS can change and needs to have the mental flexibility to incorporate their spouses moral transgressions in their life, then I think it just dandy that the WS needs to be a little flexible with the I hate you, you stupid child for a while.

For long-timers, at what point did you feel ready to let go? I mean, how far out where you? I am coming up for 2 years now and I'm thinking it's time, but each time I commit to letting go it works for a week or two and then *wham* I am back in pain and anger central again!

I am not sure what a long timer is. The first week felt like an eternity to me!

That said...I started letting go when I got sick of feeling the same feelings over and over and realized it was me not her. This, like just about everything I have experienced in this process is not a, boom done, but instead a couple steps forward, step back, couple step forward progression. There are few pat answers in life and I would wager none when it comes to this shit. Keep trying, define what those fall backs are and then next time you fall back tell yourself you have already done that, felt that pain and you don't need to feel it again. Once is plenty.

thanks all - take care...

[This message edited by wert at 10:42 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

gettingbyjj posted 7/23/2014 11:05 AM

For long-timers, at what point did you feel ready to let go? I mean, how far out where you? I am coming up for 2 years now and I'm thinking it's time, but each time I commit to letting go it works for a week or two and then *wham* I am back in pain and anger central again!

I'm not even a month from Dday, and I've let go. Mostly. I found that if I look at everything at once, it's too much.

What I did was write out a list of everything my WW did that hurt. Every lie, every action, every incident. Not just the catch-all "You cheated on me" but every specific incident. I needed for her to understand exactly what she did that hurt me and to what degree. I told her I needed an apology, a show of remorse, and a promise that she wouldn't do that again. No excuses, no explanations.

Some I told her in MC, others just at random times when it was on my mind. Some I had to repeat several times. Once I could read that list without having a visceral reaction, I felt that I had let them go.

I think that part of it was that I only dealt with about 10 days of trickle truth. On day 10 and for a couple days after it all came out. If there was still stuff that I didn't know, I don't think I'd be ready to let go because I wouldn't know what there was to let go of. Once it was all out, I could work on letting go at my pace and not worry about what I didn't know.

veronique12 posted 7/23/2014 15:33 PM

I started letting go when I got sick of feeling the same feelings over and over and realized it was me not her.

I like this. Thanks. I think I've just started to come to this realization, though maybe I'm interpreting it a bit differently (not sure)? Yes my H has done a lot of crappy things that have directly affected me. And while his actions have hurt me incredibly, there are other much older hurts being triggered by his A-related actions that have nothing to do with my H. Those very painful facts about the A that smart the worst, those are most definitely tunneling down and hitting my old hurts directly. So while there is justification for me to be angry at my H for behaving like a selfish ass, I also am starting to recognize that not all the anger I'm feeling should be directed at him. That perspective helps me to let go of blaming my H for all the anger I'm feeling and I feel more open to sharing my pain with him.

Sorry if this is a t/j. I saw a connection so I thought I'd try to write it out.

2married2quit posted 7/23/2014 15:44 PM

This is good. I'm trying. Just afraid to be my old me.

brokensmile322 posted 7/24/2014 06:50 AM


People, BS especially, want to heal the M right away. They want to bond with the idiot that just betrayed them because of fear (either of M or that they can hate the bastard.) But I think that stage of turning your back on your spouse is critical, it was the time I really turned inward toward what I wanted fully and only then could I really work on us.

It is true that turning inward is critical. And I would also say that turning your back on your spouse may be the most healthy way to approach this situation when you first discover the A.

But like it was pointed out, that is so very hard to do. Yes, a lot BS seem to want to heal the M first. I know I really had to build myself up first to work on all of this, but that was lost on me in the beginning. In the beginning, I ignored myself and focused on my M and WH. I just wanted to find answers, wanted to fix our M, date, hysterical bonding, etc… It was a confusing time. Grief is a process though.

We all need to go through the stages of grief and most of us don't reach the stage of rejecting the WS right at the beginning. If you are new to this, please don't let that idea that you aren't rejecting your WS scare you. You will get there. You really do eventually reach a point where you realize that you have to be willing to lose the M in order to heal it.

You will eventually realize that you have to start to work on you. It is one of the most healthy things you can do. Get yourself into IC. Don't focus on MC right away.

When I finally got myself stronger, I was eventually able to start to digest the idea that I would be OK without my WS. I know I might be weak, but I didn't believe that on dday.

I started focusing on things I liked. Being selfish about doing things that interested me.

Eventually, I got to the same place Wert describes…


I started letting go when I got sick of feeling the same feelings over and over and realized it was me not her.

I just didn't want to feel this way anymore. And I realized that the A did unveil a ton of hurt from my childhood. So yes, some of my anger, hurt, etc… was not my WH's to own. And I realized, as I have written, that victims who never have a remorseful, present victimizer can heal themselves. I stopped thinking my WH was responsible for making me feel better. He did what he could, but he had done all he could. The hurt I was feeling was actually residual from my childhood. That is why I was stuck. So I could keep going down the path of 'poor me, I didn't ask for any of this." Or I could realize that shit happens in life. It was up to me to deal with the shitty feelings. So I would acknowledge that I had them and let them go. Dwelling on them was only ruining my present by making me an angry, bitter person.

I didn't want to die angry and bitter. So I made the choice to acknowledge the feelings, acknowledge the shitty behaviors my WH and family did to me and LET THEM GO.

What other choice do we really have?

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