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Rollercoaster ride from hell

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movingforward26 posted 7/22/2014 11:35 AM

I feel particularly lucky to have a spouse who has intently listened to my every fear. One who has not given up on my rollercoaster of feelings. Yes I know that his actions are what have caused this whirlwind of pain, but I have chosen to stay and R. I know that I have the right to have all these emotions, but I feel horrible that my S is trying so hard to make this R successful and I can't go a day without thinking about what he did.

Today I am triggering from simply being at work and planning on going to the gym after. His A happened while I was doing these very normal things. I am also experiencing anxiety for starting school again, as this was another time the A was happening.

I want this to be a happy ending a successful R. But I feel like every time we take 10 steps forward a wall comes up and I take 20 back. My S has been there assuring me daily, has gone above and beyond in taking responsibility and makes me feel special and loved. Why is it I can't start letting go yet? Why can't I get through one day of work without having an emotional breakdown in the bathroom stall?

I would love some advice on how to focus on my R and controlling these emotions. Also some successful R stories.

Thank you :)

Shinypenny posted 7/22/2014 13:46 PM

Sounds like we are having the same day... Sorry, no great advice, but I just wanted to say you are not alone. This was the exact topic in MC today. My therapist assures me that this is part of the process and that you have to just feel the feelings and communicate with your parter what you are feeling. I sometimes feel bad for my WH who is saying and doing all the right things, but then I remember he is the one who got us here in the first place.

movingforward26 posted 7/22/2014 14:11 PM

At least I know I am not alone and crazy.

I really just want to be past this part. To move on. It is so much easier for our other parties to move on as they don't feel the pain we do day after day. I am just feeling stuck.

Thank you for your reply

hopefull77 posted 7/22/2014 19:57 PM

You are not alone! Lots of ups and is hard to wrap your head around....time is a gift ....fear is intoxicating....
forward motion is how we get through it....

Skan posted 7/22/2014 20:26 PM

I see dates of April, June, July 2014 from y-all. Trust me. If you were not cycling up and down on the rollercoaster from hell, you would NOT be doing well. I know this doesn't feel like doing "well," it feels like being dragged from a truck over sharp stones. However, if you felt any other way right now, it would be because you were NOT processing the hideous truth of what happened to you, and you would be delaying your healing, thus extending the agony.

I know that I have the right to have all these emotions, but I feel horrible that my S is trying so hard to make this R successful and I can't go a day without thinking about what he did.

Bluntly, this is his burden to bear. His. Not yours. If you truly feel any good emotion for your WS right now, you will not try to rescue him. You will give him the dignity of learning how to be a man of integrity from this point on, by experiencing the full horrors of the brokenness that he has had to this point and be experiencing the sheer hellish consequences both you to, and to him, of what his choices have caused. You cannot "helicopter" him. Not if you want the possibility of a true partner and a true R to take place. Actions have consequences and that is a lesson that every WS must learn and absorb deeply into their souls. If they cannot learn, at a bare minimum, what harm their traitorous choices cause to their spouses, their families, and themselves, then there is no hope of any future contentment, let along happiness.

Your breaking down is a necessary part of your healing process too. Your brain, your psyche, can only handle so much at a time. Your breaking down is your mind processing the pain and trying to release it. Yeah, it's a royal PITA and embarrassing as hell to have to go cry in the bathroom, take a "smoke" break to cry in your car, have "allergies" for months on end. But it's your self trying to make sense of a senseless betrayal. One thing that helped me was, when I went to work and put away my sunglasses in the car to walk into the office, I also mentally put on my Debby The Administrator Persona. I created an ideal character who was a wiz-bang employee and I acted the part I faked it until I made it. If my world started to tilt, I asked what my character, Debbie, would do. And I went for it. Yeah, I cried, and I was SO glad to have a private office. But I managed to pull myself together enough to get through the horrible, ugly first days.

Hang in there, MF26, SP, H77. It's that old, shopworn truth. Time will help. Honestly be glad that you can feel. Keep walking forward. It will get better. There really is a light at the end of that damned tunnel. (((hugs)))

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