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ugh

so hard some days - today being one - when I slowly put the timeline(s) in place and I think back to how much of the external stressors got projected onto US. I take especially hard is how I got projected onto like the dog that gets kicked when the owner comes home from a bad day at work

but than I didn't know how to respond empathetically to realize the transference at the time... I just responded with Ow! WTF! and essentially attacked back to avoid my attachment to what I took as hurt - instead of reacting with "tell me more" "what's really going on"

ugh - just so young and dumb

Anyhow, working on doing my best, but man, just not liking the days I get the feeling "I do nothing right" and just have to be OK with me regardless

[This message edited by Merida at 1:10 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

(((Merida)))

Don't beat yourself up at all. I remember feeling the exact same way...I even asked my husband "what's really go on", "you remind me of the way my dad treated my mom before he left us for for his OW", "are you having an affair"....even these bold statements didn't get me to the truth...he just denied and denied more--it was me and my feelings were "crazy" "he would never do that to me". Honestly, without the proof staring at me in the face in the way of text from her to him saying "I love you"...I never put it all together. My heart wouldn't let my mind believe that my husband would ever do something so evil and cruel.

Not dumb at all--just doing what comes naturally--trusting the person you love--the only thing dumb is that someone would throw that all away(the priceless gift of trust)for what amounts to nothing but pure selfishness.

Hugs.

thanks LoveActually... that's why I'm here to vent a bit and not be just alone in my head

yah, I think now one of the saddest/funniest things I said to him was "well just please don't have an affair on me... I have no clue some days why you are sad but just come and talk to me is all I ask"

He'd just withdrawn to the MB to play some game on his Ipad I think... can't remember except I was kinda missing him and went to find him and ask how work was, if he was feeling OK. I'd put up with like 2 years of celibacy at that point and was just so frustrated on so many other levels but kept shoving it off given the age of the kids factor and so many other rationalizations

I guess I should be thankful it was his guilt that was pushing me away... still hurts he could perform with the blow-up doll and so that's who he chose to invest in since in his words "I was feeling bad or feeling nothing"

I know I can't go back in time but man some days I just wish for that re-do

anyhow = thanks for the reply

[This message edited by Merida at 9:35 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]