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Fullofremorse07 posted 7/22/2014 16:23 PM

I have made a complete mess - I don't know where to start all I know is I woke up one day and realized this all has to stop! What am I doing to my kids and my husband.
Just to talk about it completely disgusts me. I need to get past this point and tell him. I have caused so much pain.... I should of gotten us into counseling after finding out about his EA instead of just thinking I could handle it. Something died in me that day and now I have become a monster. The hurt that I have caused my family is unbearable and I have not even disclosed it yet. I have ended it and NC but just looking at my husbands face make me want to cry.

Wayflost posted 7/22/2014 16:25 PM

Welcome to SI. I suggest you dig in and get ready for a lot of hard work. That's where you begin.

You don't give us much information, but your pain is palpable. please hang in there. We are all here to help.

Fullofremorse07 posted 7/22/2014 17:12 PM

I am only telling my story and not excusing my despicable behavior-
After I found out about the EA I looked to a friend for comfort instead if counseling- it turned into a ea/pa lta- I have been nc/since 12/2013 -
3/2014 - ea/2 pa encounters (ended that- finally started to wake up )
6/2014- drunken ONS with a male friend
I can't even look at myself.. I don't know who I am anymore - all I know is I have hurt so many people - I don't want to be this person anymore. How do I tell him. I am going to rip his heart out and ruin our marriage. What have I done ...

Skan posted 7/22/2014 20:44 PM

You just tell him. You make sure that your children are away for hopefully, the weekend, or at least the day. You write out a timeline with everything on it. You gird yourself up, sit him down, and you tell him the entire, unvarnished truth. You answer every question as completely and honestly as you can. You offer up all of your electronic devices and passwords to every account you have access to. If you have a secret account or credit card, you offer that up too, along with the bank statements. You give him the dignity of the truth and the respect due to your spouse of utter honesty. Because he deserves the truth, and frankly, you owe it to the father of your children.

Fullofremorse07, yeah. It's going to be hard. I will tell you this truth. As a BS, even though my FWH and I are fully reconciled, I would have had SO much more respect for him, if he had had the courage to tell me the truth, rather then make me discover it on my own. Offering me the truth might have set me free from my compulsive need, to this day, to check up on him. Or might have mitigated it. It would have helped me to rebuild my trust in him quicker.

You have that option. You can lance this wound, this abscess, and start purging the infection. Both of you will be healthier, quicker, if you do rather than let it fester and poison even more of your marriage. You can do this. For yourself. For your children. For your marriage. Lean on the other Ws here. They have walked in your footsteps and will help you.

FixYou71 posted 7/22/2014 22:31 PM

You have gotten good advice so far.
Buy or download and read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair and Not Just Friends. They will help you see some different perspectives.
Also, do not delete anything A related.
Your H should be able to view and read any A communication if he feels he needs to in order for him to analyze for himself what your Relationship with your AP (affair partner) was. That will be an important part of his process.
This is soooo important....DO NOT LIE or WITHHOLD INFORMATION. That is called trickle truthing and it causes about as much damage as the A. Never lie. You now have to fully own up to what you have done.
It may be a deal breaker for him. It may not. If he stays it will be the hardest thing he's ever gone through. He will need to see you working diligently on finding out why you would implode your marriage and working on not being that person anymore if he can even try to start trusting you again. This is about what is broken in you. Be cautious about giving answers for why that point to anyone else but yourself.
Be there for him. Comfort him. Apologize a lot and often. Be specific about what you are apologizing for. Give him your shoulder. Even though you are the one who hurt him you will also be the main one he looks go to help him heal if he stays.
Get into IC (individual counseling).
Read from the Healing Library (top left in the yellow box) There's a lot of helpful insight and info there(also a list of all the abbreviations used on the forums).
I'm sorry you are here. I wish you strength.

Imabrokenman posted 7/23/2014 00:22 AM

Tell him before he finds out - and he will, one way or the other.

And tell him the complete truth the first time.

These are the two major mistakes I have made through this process. Because of them, I have no credibility with my BS and I am facing the end of my marriage.

Stay on SI. Come here often for help, suggestions and support. You have friends here, and people who have been where you are now, and are willing to share their experiences and advice.

Good luck.

DrJekyll posted 7/23/2014 07:45 AM

don't make the mistake I made. Save all evidence to lay it out for him. and tell the whole truth the first time. read the 2 books suggested by FixYou71 They will help you in the disclosure. Also 1 positive I did do was schedule MC appointment for the day after DDay. Hang in there, stick around.

Imabrokenman posted 7/23/2014 09:10 AM

I agree with DrJ. Save the evidence and share it. I deleted everything on DDay, emails, accounts, everything, and that was another mistake I made. She wanted to see it all, and I had nothing to show. Considering that I have no credibility anymore, she doesn't believe me.

Fullofremorse07 posted 7/23/2014 13:06 PM

Is it normal to feel like you have caused so much pain you just wAnt to leave. My husband deserves better than me.. I know that.

DrJekyll posted 7/23/2014 13:12 PM

very normal, but that it because you do not want to face the accountability of your actions. because you are still running. I wanted to run often, but for myself it was because I was too afraid, even though I thought I didn't want to hurt my BS. The real motive in looking back was to cover my own ass. Yes this is very normal.This will be a liberating experience. You are going to look your fears in the eye. and still move forward. It is a huge healing moment.

sorrowfulmate posted 7/23/2014 13:24 PM

I agree with DrJekyll and Imabrokenman.

Deleting is the worst thing that you can do because it will lead to unresolved questions.

However most waywards seem to do this, we think we are going to save our butts by doing it. In reality we simply dig ourselves deeper.

newdaytomorrow posted 7/23/2014 13:27 PM

Don't hide it, it doesn't help in the long run. You still have feelings and unresolved problems. It is good you have woke up with fear of what you are doing. I wish you good wishes on healing.

Tickingtock posted 7/23/2014 19:48 PM

I have very little wisdom to give but did want to share one aspect of my experience. The reason I left my xWBF after he confessed to a ONS was because he waited 6 months to tell me (and I was young, unmarried, etc. so don't let the "x" scare you too much). He had issues, including alcohol abuse, that he wanted to work on before he confessed so he could say "See, I've already changed so much." But that was a million times worse for me. Because it showed that even the "healthy" him could lie to me and withhold the truth. I don't know at what point he became his healthier self, but it must have happened before he confessed, and EVERY SECOND that occurred after that was proof that he was still a liar.

So, while it's important to wait until you have some space from your kids, please confess as soon as possible.

Also, please do not confess then give him a speech about all the work you're doing on yourself and start handing him books to read. Don't try to control his healing. Good luck!

ophelia24 posted 7/23/2014 20:15 PM

Take a deep breath, sit down and read the link below to a post in the WW forum on SI.

I too confessed to my BH, including a ONS with his BF going back 21 years. A positive thing for you (although it may not feel like it right now) is that you realise what you have done and know you need to come clean to your BH. It will be hard, I will not sugar coat that, but it is the only way to begin to live your life with honesty and integrity. Listen to what the BS on here have said. The whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Brandon808 posted 7/23/2014 20:22 PM

BH here and I want to caution you on this...

My husband deserves better than me.. I know that.
I get that you feel that way. Don't decide that for him. If you love him and want to keep your M then you tell him so. Fight for it if you want it. Quite frankly that's what so many BS on SI lament is that their WS don't fight for the relationship.

It will be hard. No doubt. But it sounds like you realize it is worth it.

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