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Cordelia posted 7/22/2014 17:15 PM

OK, this is really something I said on a post earlier today, but now that I have discovered OW's (or I should say former OW's) photos on the Internet, and even allowing for any photoshopping that may have occurred, there's no getting away from the fact that she is blonde and very pretty. She's only a few years younger than me I think, but I'm not blonde and although I am not ugly or anything, you couldn't really compare me to her.

So I just wondered how people would feel? WS has been declaring love, been passionate, etc. for the three months since OW told me about it. I would say 'reconciliation' but as he's not admitting it, then I am not sure that word is appropriate.

But really it is the attractiveness of the OW (or OM as applicable) - what other people's thoughts are - as it has made me miserable today.

Tearsoflove posted 7/22/2014 17:35 PM

I think it doesn't matter how beautiful the exterior of the OW is if inside she's a broken, ugly person. And she must be if she's willing to sleep with a married man without concern for who it hurts.

There's an old saying "No matter how hot she is, somebody somewhere is sick of her shit."

notquiteoverit posted 7/22/2014 17:41 PM

So what if she is pretty on the outside? Many will tell you that she is ugly on the outside, etc. but do you think that looks matter to your WS? The affair wasn't about her looks.

But, I understand what you are going through. What I found out is that whether the OW is ugly or pretty, either way will mess with you.

My OW is no looker (and that is an understatement). I felt insulted and inadequate because he threw me away for much lesser. It was a blow to my self-esteem. Then again, if she had been prettier than me, I would have still felt inadequate, like I couldn't compete. Still a blow to my self-esteem.

So, either way, you can't win by comparing. Just remember, that you are better than the OW in many ways.

Cordelia posted 7/22/2014 17:42 PM

No, that's the thing. She isn't. She was duped (so she says) and would never have had sex with my WS if she had known. She actually sent an email to my work website (having seen me on his FB contacts I think) saying she'd met him on Eharmony and was I in a relationship with him. I thought it was someone WS knew, playing a trick on him - he deleted all trace of the email. She persisted and discovered our home address and left a letter for me with our building manager.

(By the time of the email, I think her suspicions had got my WS running, as the last (second of two sessions, she said) took place early January and he changed his phone number etc. after that - though she says she cut ties with him, not the other way round)

[This message edited by Cordelia at 5:45 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Jrazz posted 7/22/2014 17:44 PM

I think that our self esteem takes a hit either way.

If the AP was categorically unattractive (OMG - Crazz's AP was so so so very ugly) then it's like "How in the world did you cheat on me with THAT?"

We feel competition from someone less attractive, and we question the judgement/sanity of our partner even moreso.

Neither side of the fence is much fun, but the answer to all of it is remembering that comparing ourselves to the AP isn't even applicable. It's not about their face or their money or their personality (or lack thereof...) It's about how broken our spouse was to cheat. Always.

(((Cordelia)))

Cordelia posted 7/22/2014 17:46 PM

True Jrazz, I understand that. Still feel so horrible today.

Numb2014 posted 7/22/2014 17:49 PM

All of the OW's in my case were just ok. I wouldn't describe any of them as pretty. This last one....I have to admit I almost fell out of my chair when I saw her. My intital reaction was "WTF IS THAT!?". I was really thrown off, because she is FAAAAAR from his type-or so I thought. One of the other OW looked like Jessica Simpson with no makeup, but 20 years older and whose had a hard life. The first OW looked a LOT like me. Even my MIL said it was scary how much we looked alike. So I guess I will say she was pretty!

But, this current OW....wow. Talk about an ugly interior. She is just mean, rude, hateful, spiteful, vindictive, and seems to do what she can to try to hurt me. I think it reflects her own insecurities, because I have never met this girl. She really does hate me. Oh well...

Jrazz posted 7/22/2014 17:51 PM

I hear ya, Cordelia. We can say the words all day long but our hearts still hurt. Sending big hugs.

Rebreather posted 7/22/2014 18:03 PM

Yeah, there is no winning this one.

The OW in our sitch is quite pretty. Tall (something I've always been jealous about as I do not like being short), long, long dark hair, 7 years younger than me. At the time, I was nearly 40 and she was 32. Oh, time and gravity can be brutal in those years. And she never had kids.

It was tough trying to face that comparison. But in the end, there is no comparison. He didn't cheat with her because she was tall. He cheated because she would. That's all. I'm sure there was a level of attraction there, but he's also attracted to Halle Berry and he didn't cheat with her! It's about what is available and how the broken parts are fed.

In your case it sounds like she was a "victim" as well, and she tried to do the righ thing. The fact is, your wayward isn't facing up to his lies yet and that's much more important than what she looked like. She could be Miss Piggy or Miss America and it doesn't change the fact that your partner is not honest with you. Don't let yourself get too distracted by the shiney. Focus on the real stuff.

[This message edited by Rebreather at 6:04 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Razor posted 7/22/2014 18:04 PM

Cordelia.
What is beauty? Generally speaking all the qualities of beauty come down to health. Clear skin. clear eyes. good teeth and hair. slim and athletic.

But beauty is also in the eye of the beholder. some men prefer blondes. some dont. some like large brests. others dont.

Some women prefer men with hair. others really dont care. some like muscle bound gym rats. others not.

Old Will was right. its all in the eye of the beholder.

Personally I go for slim athletic (small breasts) women with dark hair and eyes. hair like a ravens wing god I love that.

This is also allot like all the penis talk around her... Im starting to wonder what KIND of site Im on here What matters is the PERSON. the rest is just window dressing.

vivere posted 7/22/2014 18:06 PM

There is always going to be someone more beautiful, funnier, smarter, richer, healthier ... than me. That's the truth. That is why this comparison game is so dangerous. I am enough Cordelia and so are you.

Reverse the situation. I'm sure you have met many men more attractive, stronger, more talented (pick an adjective) than your husband. Yet you have not strayed.

Initial comparisons are only natural. We are trying to figure out why our partners would hurt us so badly. Often it becomes clearer with time that it was not about the AP, they could have been anyone.

HeartFullOfHoles posted 7/22/2014 18:12 PM

Don't let yourself get too distracted by the shiney. Focus on the real stuff.

Cordelia posted 7/22/2014 18:17 PM

I guess. WS and I keep meaning to get back on track with our healthy eating and exercise but things keep happening and although we are not really unhealthy or overweight or anything, I am sure we will both feel better when we sort ourselves out.

Wondering how many times I can keep bringing it up to make him confess though. Considering putting her Twitter and LinkedIn pics in front of him tonight and asking him 'why' again. I don't suppose it will get me anywhere. He just denies then later starts cuddling me, saying only loves me, wants to marry me (and he has kept this one up for three months, even though before the <situation> he never wanted to.

Ostrich80 posted 7/22/2014 18:22 PM

I understand how that could mess with your mind. I mean a lot of bs here, including.myself, talk about ow being homely or a whole list of other things but yea if they arent...it would.be difficult not to sting a bit. Ow in my sich isn't really attractive but still there's something I feel like he likes about her that I'm not. I hate that she's petite, I've always wanted to be tiny but.I'm tall. Now I feel like an fn amazon around WS because.I feel like he's thinking about teeny tiny ow However when you dissect the ws way of thinking, it truly is their brokenness but I know it still blows.

seenow posted 7/22/2014 18:27 PM

OY VEY! I hear you. I was told I was too fat, didn't dress appropriately, had no ambition. Then I look at FB and can't really see that those things are true.

Maybe we get to a point where we are what we think we are. We are worthy and desirable. And are happy with what we are?

Cordelia posted 7/22/2014 18:42 PM

Well. Although I am not really fat, I have allowed myself to put on excess pounds in the last couple of years (always put it on easily, usually when stressed). Usually look younger when there is no excess poundage and drinking lots of water. But that's the same for a lot of us I expect. I don't look THAT old but I am sure that stress has had an impact on my face. :-/
I've just made myself laugh, suppose that is a good sign!

RippedSoul posted 7/22/2014 18:42 PM

Cordelia, I am naturally "blonde and very pretty." It didn't save me from being cheated on. It didn't matter that I'm likely the most beautiful woman my SLAWH's ever been with or known--even at almost 50. It didn't matter that I'm three years older than my WH and 16 years older than his AP--yet don't look it. It didn't matter that I'm better educated than she is (because I'm a purist and consider my liberal arts education more important than her numbers one). It didn't matter that I'm the mother of his 4 stunningly attractive, caring, passionate, brilliant children. It didn't matter that I adore him. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Nothing mattered except that he was broken and she was broken and they met when both were vulnerable--she, after rug-sweeping a first A and being excommunicated from her church; he, after declaring his atheism and deciding morals were for religious fools (that last statement is my bitterness speaking--I realize true atheists don't think that way). The magnetism to the AP--other than joint issues--is not quantifiable. Or understandable. Or, heck, even real.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 6:44 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Questioningall posted 7/22/2014 18:52 PM

My WH had a few PAs. Two of the APs were about my age. Average-to-attractive looks, middle aged breasts, probably alcoholics. His LTAP was 18 years younger, pretty, and wears too much eye makeup. Definitely alcoholic. The drinking had a lot to do with the choice of AP--WH wanted to be their knight in shining armor. Totally codependent. Looks didn't matter as much, I think. I did learn that nobody takes a good naked selfie.

You'd be shattered and insecure no matter what the AP looked like.

918Mama posted 7/22/2014 18:55 PM

I get it!!

OW were not attractive. At all.

But they were younger. So of course that messes with my mind. Now I obsessively check for grey hair and pull it out of my head!!! I was pregnant at the time of d day so that created a lot of insecurity too.

We recently went to visit fwh's family. Many of whom is never met. All of them commented how great, amazing, beautiful, etc I am. Of course the underlying question on everyone's mind is "why would he cheat??"

We keep looking at the outside for clues. It has everything to do with what's on the inside. Don't let her looks get to you. Get to the bottom of what's broken in him that allowed the cheating. That's the real issue. (((Hugs)))

MegM posted 7/22/2014 19:01 PM

HI Cordelia

I understand your questions and pain. I felt just the same. My husbands other party was very very attractive, blonde, very fit and slim. She is a gifted singer and was his 'leading lady' on stage.

It broke my heart. Because like all of the posts above I understood that she was an emotional vampire, but none of that mattered. In the end his actions at the time showed me that he valued her physical attractiveness and availability above all the values I thought we shared.

It turned over and over in my head. I am ok looking, I once was slim tall and had a great figure. For the last 13 years I have struggled with yo yo weight gain and body image. (Mind you so did my H.).

However, I thought he and I were a meeting of the minds. That our values, talents, and strength of character reflected our 'true' connection.

I still, 2.5years out look at her images. I can see by current photo's she is beginning to show her middle age. Still has a great figure, probably still can sing. But she is beginning to look worn by life (maybe by her poor choices).

I just want you to know you have been heard and understood. That I have been where you are now. That it matters less to me now and over time I hope will fade even more.

From the early months (and to some point now) I felt some comfort by allowing myself the time to attend to my health, hair and beauty regime. It helped my confidence. I knew and know it is only a superficial comfort but I treat it like my armour or camouflage. You might have a different armour.

MegM