So I just wondered how people would feel? WS has been declaring love, been passionate, etc. for the three months since OW told me about it. I would say 'reconciliation' but as he's not admitting it, then I am not sure that word is appropriate.
But really it is the attractiveness of the OW (or OM as applicable) - what other people's thoughts are - as it has made me miserable today.
There's an old saying "No matter how hot she is, somebody somewhere is sick of her shit."
But, I understand what you are going through. What I found out is that whether the OW is ugly or pretty, either way will mess with you.
My OW is no looker (and that is an understatement). I felt insulted and inadequate because he threw me away for much lesser. It was a blow to my self-esteem. Then again, if she had been prettier than me, I would have still felt inadequate, like I couldn't compete. Still a blow to my self-esteem.
So, either way, you can't win by comparing. Just remember, that you are better than the OW in many ways.
(By the time of the email, I think her suspicions had got my WS running, as the last (second of two sessions, she said) took place early January and he changed his phone number etc. after that - though she says she cut ties with him, not the other way round)
[This message edited by Cordelia at 5:45 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
If the AP was categorically unattractive (OMG - Crazz's AP was so so so very ugly) then it's like "How in the world did you cheat on me with THAT?"
We feel competition from someone less attractive, and we question the judgement/sanity of our partner even moreso.
Neither side of the fence is much fun, but the answer to all of it is remembering that comparing ourselves to the AP isn't even applicable. It's not about their face or their money or their personality (or lack thereof...) It's about how broken our spouse was to cheat. Always.
But, this current OW....wow. Talk about an ugly interior. She is just mean, rude, hateful, spiteful, vindictive, and seems to do what she can to try to hurt me. I think it reflects her own insecurities, because I have never met this girl. She really does hate me. Oh well...
The OW in our sitch is quite pretty. Tall (something I've always been jealous about as I do not like being short), long, long dark hair, 7 years younger than me. At the time, I was nearly 40 and she was 32. Oh, time and gravity can be brutal in those years. And she never had kids.
It was tough trying to face that comparison. But in the end, there is no comparison. He didn't cheat with her because she was tall. He cheated because she would. That's all. I'm sure there was a level of attraction there, but he's also attracted to Halle Berry and he didn't cheat with her! It's about what is available and how the broken parts are fed.
In your case it sounds like she was a "victim" as well, and she tried to do the righ thing. The fact is, your wayward isn't facing up to his lies yet and that's much more important than what she looked like. She could be Miss Piggy or Miss America and it doesn't change the fact that your partner is not honest with you. Don't let yourself get too distracted by the shiney. Focus on the real stuff.
[This message edited by Rebreather at 6:04 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
But beauty is also in the eye of the beholder. some men prefer blondes. some dont. some like large brests. others dont.
Some women prefer men with hair. others really dont care. some like muscle bound gym rats. others not.
Old Will was right. its all in the eye of the beholder.
Personally I go for slim athletic (small breasts) women with dark hair and eyes. hair like a ravens wing god I love that.
This is also allot like all the penis talk around her... Im starting to wonder what KIND of site Im on here What matters is the PERSON. the rest is just window dressing.
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Reverse the situation. I'm sure you have met many men more attractive, stronger, more talented (pick an adjective) than your husband. Yet you have not strayed.
Initial comparisons are only natural. We are trying to figure out why our partners would hurt us so badly. Often it becomes clearer with time that it was not about the AP, they could have been anyone.
Don't let yourself get too distracted by the shiney. Focus on the real stuff.
Wondering how many times I can keep bringing it up to make him confess though. Considering putting her Twitter and LinkedIn pics in front of him tonight and asking him 'why' again. I don't suppose it will get me anywhere. He just denies then later starts cuddling me, saying only loves me, wants to marry me (and he has kept this one up for three months, even though before the <situation> he never wanted to.
Maybe we get to a point where we are what we think we are. We are worthy and desirable. And are happy with what we are?
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 6:44 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
You'd be shattered and insecure no matter what the AP looked like.
Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.
OW were not attractive. At all.
But they were younger. So of course that messes with my mind. Now I obsessively check for grey hair and pull it out of my head!!! I was pregnant at the time of d day so that created a lot of insecurity too.
We recently went to visit fwh's family. Many of whom is never met. All of them commented how great, amazing, beautiful, etc I am. Of course the underlying question on everyone's mind is "why would he cheat??"
We keep looking at the outside for clues. It has everything to do with what's on the inside. Don't let her looks get to you. Get to the bottom of what's broken in him that allowed the cheating. That's the real issue. (((Hugs)))
I understand your questions and pain. I felt just the same. My husbands other party was very very attractive, blonde, very fit and slim. She is a gifted singer and was his 'leading lady' on stage.
It broke my heart. Because like all of the posts above I understood that she was an emotional vampire, but none of that mattered. In the end his actions at the time showed me that he valued her physical attractiveness and availability above all the values I thought we shared.
It turned over and over in my head. I am ok looking, I once was slim tall and had a great figure. For the last 13 years I have struggled with yo yo weight gain and body image. (Mind you so did my H.).
However, I thought he and I were a meeting of the minds. That our values, talents, and strength of character reflected our 'true' connection.
I still, 2.5years out look at her images. I can see by current photo's she is beginning to show her middle age. Still has a great figure, probably still can sing. But she is beginning to look worn by life (maybe by her poor choices).
I just want you to know you have been heard and understood. That I have been where you are now. That it matters less to me now and over time I hope will fade even more.
From the early months (and to some point now) I felt some comfort by allowing myself the time to attend to my health, hair and beauty regime. It helped my confidence. I knew and know it is only a superficial comfort but I treat it like my armour or camouflage. You might have a different armour.