I got married in 2006 (not to the XWGF). I never thought to distrust my wife until last Thursday. She was driving to spend a week with her parents, and she was awfully late getting there. Finally I get a call and she tells me that she stopped at a bar to meet with some friends of her friend. Everything she said and how she said it threw up red flags. I remembered that she mentioned going to a local bar after her friends wedding reception the previous month, and how the red flags went up because of the way she mentioned it. I dismissed it at the time (last month) as just a trigger from a long time ago.
I've been getting treated for general and social anxiety (reason I wasn't at the wedding), and panic attacks. I spent the next day in the worst panic attack I remember. I spent the next 3 days basically unable to function. I spoke to her every night so she knew I was freaking out.
Last night, I finally was back together enough to ask her more questions about it and got more pieces to put in the puzzle. She got a guys phone number at the reception, and he was at the bar after the reception. I don't know if anyone else from it was there. She is the one that called HIM and asked for the "get together" with the "friends". She told me only two guys showed up (she gets on me if I use a few or some for two...it should be a couple). When I asked for names she had to "think" about it before answering (same with who was there). She says that nothing happened, and right now I'm not sure if I want to believe her.
She told me the reason she didn't tell me about getting together before was that she was frustrated with how things have been going with me, and that I don't seem to be doing anything about it. I had to remind her about the therapy, the psychiatrist and trying 3 different medications to help (so far).
I'm scared. I couldn't go to work on Friday, Monday or today. At least I was able to get dressed today, and I was able to pick up a prescription and make it home before I was in a full panic attack. If I were to fill this page with I'm so scared over and over it still wouldn't convey how I'm feeling. I'm going to end this now because about all I'll keep doing is talk about how scared I am.
I also want to say I'm glad to hear you're getting therapy/meds for your anxiety. Is this an issue you've always had or did it come after the A that brought you to SI?
As for your wife, she is blaming you for her decision to ask another man to meet her for a date. That's what she did pure and simple and you cannot let her think that you accept that.
I think you really need guidance from a professional with your medical condition because I am afraid this could be a bumpy ride .
You should not be scared. You will get a lot of guidance, comfort and support here. You need to do whatever you can to perform at work.
I can't comment on what I think of your wife right now because I would get thrown off the SI forum for being too nasty.
Others will offer their opinions. Listen and try to learn. You do have a problem here that you will have to deal with. It will not go away by putting your head in the sand
I remember the panic attacks. The best cure for anxiety, for me anyway, was working out like mad - burning the adrenaline out of my system.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Of course her blaming you is par for the course.
You need to get to the bottom of this. You need to discover the truth. Without it, you won't get past this.
I would start with quitely monitoring her phone, phone bills and computer use. Gather your info before confronting her.
I'm a little confused about what happened.
She got a guy's phone number about a month ago at the wedding of a friend of hers and he was at a bar after the reception that day a month ago?
And then last week she called him and other "friends" of her "friend" and asked them to meet her at a bar and "only 2 guys" showed up?
Also, she keeps emphasizing "only 2 guys," as if that is supposed to be comforting in some way?
Also, sorry, but she says that meeting up with the "friends" (only 2 guys) was nothing, it was normal, just friends, nothing happened, and the only reason she didn't tell you about it was because she's frustrated about how things are going with you and her? She didn't meet them because she was frustrated with you, she would have met them even if things were great with you, just friends and all, but she decided to keep if from you just to spite you?
Please correct whatever I got wrong.
And I'm really sorry, but this doesn't sound good.
I think I've had a fairly high level of anxiety all my life, it just jumped into hyperdrive a year and a half ago because of work, and turned into panic attacks and constant anxiety last fall, because of one single really big thing at work.
My wife knows a great deal of what went on. She doesn't know all the details, but she knows the things I saw, the things I figured out, and the four and a half years of torture for the affair and trying to fix the aftermath.
I agree she's blame-shifting. She's been struggling with self confidence and poor self image for a while. I'm always there for her to try to lift her up. I've always had to be the strong one which is why my anxiety and panic is hurting me so much.
What I hate most is that this has brought back all the garbage memories of what happened before. After I started writing this, my wife called me, and I told her more of how I felt and the redflags that went up about the bar after the reception. I told her that I thought there was more to it. She replied "not really". So I just told her again, that I thought there was more to it. "Not really" is not "No".
She was at her Grandmothers, and she asked if we could talk about it more when she gets home tomorrow. I told her yes, because I really didn't want to talk about it over the phone. I know it's going to be hard, and I know I'm not going to like what I hear.
Yes, she got the phone number at the wedding reception and he was at the bar she went to afterward. I don't know if anyone else went to it but it makes her difficulty "remembering" his name a bit difficult to swallow.
No, she called HIM and he was arranging the get-together and only 2 guys showed up. Strangely, she had a difficult time thinking of their names (see above).
About her motivations, I really can't comment on what they really were. If it was to teach me a lesson about keeping things from her(a couple times I lied about going to work because of my anxiety), it's a pretty shitty way to do it considering my past. From her words, she did go back and forth about whether to do it or not.
and I already agree with you that this doesn't sound good. Probably not as bad as my minds fears it could be, but worse than "nothing".
You need to start making a plan to get her text messages from her phone . There are programs that can get them even if they are deleted I believe .
You cannot just accept what she tells you tomorrow. And are you sure where she is now she could not be telling her family she is going somewhere and meeting him.
If you check the other threads you will see that those that are aggressive in the pursuit of what happened have the better outcomes, meaning even if the worst case their limb land does not get extended into more excruciating time and pain
She told me only two guys showed up (she gets on me if I use a few or some for two...it should be a couple).
Why did she say she called this particular guy who she had just recently met (and couldn't remember his name)? Why did she want to hang out with him at a bar (as opposed to any number of other friends she could have called to hang out)?
Also, just thinking about the "only 2 guys" thing, I don't find the thought of her being alone with 2 guys all that comforting, but I guess I would find it more palatable than if she said she was ALONE with the 1 guy who she asked for his number at the wedding.
This is strange and hard to make sense of. Usually I subscribe to the theory that the simplest explanation usually is the correct one. There is only one way this makes sense to me.
Fortunately my wife is a lousy liar (we both are). While I don't think this is anywhere near the mindf**k I went through with my XWGF, I know that I'm going to be dealing with a lot. Her parents are very nosy and it would be a four hour round trip, so her leaving to meet with him is unlikely. Her drive back home OTOH brings her right by that area which makes me nervous.
Having been through this before, I'm really well acquainted with the evasion and obfuscation techniques that cheaters use. We don't have texting on our phones, but I intend to check the ingoing and outgoing numbers to establish a timeline of events and to compare with our home phone. She is not very technologically literate (I had to turn the ringer down for her), so I am confident that the numbers will still be there. If not, She's got some 'splainen' to do.
I don't intend to just accept what she tells me. There have already been to many signs that say "dig here", and I know I'll get more. I know that the important thing is not WHAT they say, but what they DON'T say, and how they say what they say.
According to her, she had been on the cell phone with her friend (the one that got married) who suggested she get together with her friends. The "only 2 guys" thing was to reassure me that it was supposed to be more people (and not just the one guy from the wedding) and then I asked what "their" names were and she had to "think" about it.
I was the one that asked the questions that led to he was at the reception, and at the bar (after the reception), and my wife called him to arrange a group get-together and get directions, and she couldn't answer why she had to think about his name.
I agree that it is strange. There are a lot of unanswered questions. But I will get the answers I want, and if I don't then we have one more problem.
Try to relax a little. You have a big day tomorrow .
[This message edited by atreides at 10:21 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]
Yes, her friend suggested it.
OR, was this suggestion meant to meet at the bar with many others expected to be there?
We don't have texting on our phones, but I intend to check the ingoing and outgoing numbers to establish a timeline of events and to compare with our home phone. She is not very technologically literate (I had to turn the ringer down for her), so I am confident that the numbers will still be there. If not, She's got some 'splainen' to do.
Don't underestimate the ability of a WS to become a bit more tech savvy when they need to. Also, prepaid phones are cheap and easy to purchase. While you may have basic phones, that doesn't mean she didn't go buy another for her own personal use to communicate with this guy.
you a scotch man? single malt?
cheers to you for being strong.
I don't know how much or even if her friend was pushing WW towards the OM. AFAIK it was supposed to be a get-together with many people. Who knows maybe it was really supposed to be just the OM but the other guy was clueless and didn't pick up on it. I really have no idea. I know if I hadn't had this f**king anxiety I could have gone to the wedding and none of this would have happened.
I was a vodka man myself. I'm ethnically Polish so it's in my blood. I really don't drink anymore, but when I was drinking the proper saying would have probably been there's a little of my blood in it. I really don't know how I survived my early teens to early twenties and didn't become an alcoholic.