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lovemywife4ever posted 7/22/2014 18:22 PM

Thanks to those that gave me the much needed push and pointed out that I should read more about helping her. She has wanted me to from the get-go, but I haven't as I really prefer the movie version over reading, if you know what I mean (I just don't enjoy reading). I did buy a few books (How to help your spouse heal after your affair and others). I am starting with the How to help one as it has been recommended. After reading through, it crushed me to see that I haven't done what she needs. I thought I had. I really tried or thought I did. Here's to hoping it's not too late. She is happier than I have seen in a while and making all kinds of moving on plans. Why did I wait so long to do this?

BrokenButTrying posted 7/22/2014 18:41 PM

Yay! I'm so happy to see this post

To answer your question truthfully, I think the reason you took this long... you were scared. Scared to really look in the mirror and see what you were. Books hold that mirror right in your face, the truth, especially in How to Help your Spouse Heal, is written on those pages.

But you've taken that all important first step towards healing. Well done! You've done a brave and good thing, keep going with it.

PenitentMan posted 7/22/2014 19:11 PM

Agreed. How to help your spouse heal is essential reading. Don't let the shortness fool you. It gets right to the point and tells you what to do and what not to do. I refer to it, I re-read it, even though I know what it says. It's right on my desk as a helpful, painful reminder. Things were not ok. We were not ok. But there's no way to go now except onward and upward. With each new day comes fresh hope and a new chance to make today matter.

Imabrokenman posted 7/22/2014 19:19 PM

Way to go.

Remember this is a long process, and you have to take it all to heart. Don't half-ass this process. Really think about what you read, and act on it appropriately.

Don't think that this will happen overnight. This is a loooong journey you are on. Even in my short time being on this journey, I can tell you that nothing comes easy anymore.

Good for you. Keep it up.

hopefull77 posted 7/22/2014 20:16 PM

And then the reading becomes addictive!! I have read so many books ...not sure what to do with them all! Each one offered something at the time....
So glad to hear this news!

DrJekyll posted 7/23/2014 07:13 AM

I am very excited for you. But remember if you buy them and don't read them. then they are just artwork. Be diligent. Find information, Help you BS. Be supportive not defensive.

She is happier than I have seen in a while and making all kinds of moving on plans

the good news is, "It ain't over till it's over. and then it still ain't over"

Examine yourself, what are your actions? You waited too long and have made plenty of mistakes in R. I will let you in on a little secret. We all do that. no matter how soon or how much we give. In all of our heads is: why didn't I come clean sooner? why didn't I fix my sh!t before i stepped out? So you are in good company.

Now, what are you going to do about it????

lovemywife4ever posted 7/23/2014 07:17 AM

Thanks. Dr.Jekyll-when I said she is happier than in a long time, that actually means happier making plans WITHOUT me. She is happy to get on without me. She seems to have stopped being in misery thinking about how she will function after we D. I am reading and doing everything to be better for her and me and praying for her to not boot me to the curb, but really don't know what will happen.

DrJekyll posted 7/23/2014 08:11 AM

that actually means happier making plans WITHOUT me.

that is exactly what I took it to mean.

the good news is, "It ain't over till it's over. and then it still ain't over"

You have to keep fighting FOR YOU If D does come, than you are going to need to healthy enough to deal with it. There are many people here on SI going through R after D

Wayflost posted 7/23/2014 16:32 PM

when I said she is happier than in a long time, that actually means happier making plans WITHOUT me. She is happy to get on without me. She seems to have stopped being in misery thinking about how she will function after we D

Are you able to connect with the relief she must be feeling?

Yesterday I told BH that I finally understood (stupid me) that when he says he wants to be strong enough to leave - he's saying that he wants to be healthy enough to make a choice about staying or leaving without fear being his motivator.

Ultimately, what I really want as an outcome is that both BH and I manage to find our ways to health. I want BH to be able to live a happy life. I want him to heal. Does it scare the crap out of me that he wants nothing to do with me? Absolutely. But if it is what gives him the chance to be happy, then he deserves it.

I am by no means perfect at this. I have failed at changing so many of my bad habits. And my BH feels as though I am doing anything but try. I know that getting to the place where I can recognize that what I want for him is health and happiness, even if it is without me, means I am finally finding some of that much needed empathy.

Try finding that place. It's true what people say: the journey isn't about you. Yes, you must heal yourself, but the journey is about the BS.

[This message edited by Wayflost at 4:33 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

lovemywife4ever posted 7/23/2014 19:33 PM

Thanks. I know I need to be better for me as well as her for any R to maybe happen. When she talks about D and how she can't wait until it's done and she can go on, it really hits home how fucked up I've been and let things get. She needs to be happy. I know that. The selfish A-hole in me wants her to be happy with me. My fear is that I will lose her and never get to come close to showing her what I can be. She doesn't have to prove anything to me. I love her and her faults. She thinks I am only doing this to keep her. She said that I need to do these things knowing she's done so I can be happy too. It's her I want to grow old with.

lovemywife4ever posted 7/25/2014 06:56 AM

Does it get any easier reading these? It literally hurts to read these words in How to Help for me. I don't know why. It just does.

Side note: wife wants me to move out. I have no where to go. My family are sociopaths and we don't speak. She really doesn't care and told me to figure it out the same way I figured out that cheating was ok. Wow-that hurts. She really is done. It's just over. It hurts to breathe. How can I let her go? She's what I want. I know it's selfish but it's true.

BrokenButTrying posted 7/25/2014 07:05 AM

I will address the rest of your post in a moment but first, why does it hurt to read those books?

lovemywife4ever posted 7/25/2014 07:33 AM

The reality of it and the pain of what has happened. The cheating, the decisions to do so, the way she hates every ounce of me now and can't wait to get rid of me. It all hurts.

DrJekyll posted 7/25/2014 07:38 AM

My fear is that I will lose her and never get to come close to showing her what I can be

the reality of our situation as waywards is: we lost them the minute we chose against them. The minute we stepped out.

why would you not be able to show her what you can be? You still have kids together. You are still going to be part of her life. So show her. My BS tells me "when R is no longer an option and D starts. that is when your true colors are shown. since there is nothing left to fight for. that is one surefire way to see who somebody truly is"

lets look at what she is doing compared to what you did. you stepped out of the M and had As seeing what it out there. You got the excitement of that while you were still M. Now what she is doing, she is looking at that excitement and curious about it so she wants to D. to then go and find out what is out there. her action now, should have been your action then.

So the question is: What are you going to do now? Are you going to honor her request? Are you going to find a way to move forward? Are you going to be a good father? Are you going to grant an amicable D? or Are you going to make it miserable? And dishonor her? And use the kids against her? look at the reality of that. which of those two people do you want to be? honorable, loving, kind, remorseful or dishonorable, resentful, angry, controlling?

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.”

I know you are scared and hurting right now. We are here for you. I recommend reading the D/S forum also. You have to hang in there and fight for you. you are the only thing you can control.

lovemywife4ever posted 7/25/2014 07:50 AM

How can one moment make you lose someone forever? I regretted it and felt sick right away. I recommitted to her then. I beat myself up and cried in the shower when she couldn't see me. The bad thing is I never told her. I just moved on and vowed to NEVER do that again. I saw what I had in front of me and never lost sight of that again. I proposed. I married her after that. We moved from one house into our home we've always wanted together. The day I married her, she didn't know what I had done, but it was truly the happiest day of my life. Now it's just gone. She doesn't care about me anymore. She literally told me her give a fuck is gone!

DrJekyll posted 7/25/2014 08:00 AM

in her eyes, your M was based on a lie. so the entire time you have been M she didn't know who you were. That one moment of soul deep betrayal. Yes changes the whole world. It is like saying how can somebody that has never been in trouble get angry, pull the trigger and shoot somebody. And in that 2 seconds it took them to kill somebody, why should that change everything forever. The destruction to the spirit and soul is the same. and all in an instant.

BrokenButTrying posted 7/25/2014 08:01 AM

The reality of it and the pain of what has happened. The cheating, the decisions to do so, the way she hates every ounce of me now and can't wait to get rid of me. It all hurts.

You feel ashamed. That pain you feel is because you are trying to protect yourself. You brain is screaming 'NO! Don't read it! It's too uncomfortable, too embarrasing! Just move on and think about something else!
You need to override this impulse and these feelings. If you want to change, to be a better person, then you need to face what you've done, accept it as your reality and take steps to ensure you don't make the same choices in the future.

She doesn't care about me anymore

Well that's just self pitying rubbish! She does care about you. But she doesn't care about your life together because it's built on lies. Your wedding day might have been the happiest of your life but how can she view it as anything other than proof of the lengths you are willing to go to in order to protect yourself. You stood up in front of all your friends and family and possibly even god and lied.

Leave the pity party. You've stayed too long, had too much and it's time to go home. I agree with everything DJ said, he's given some great advice.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 8:04 AM, July 25th (Friday)]

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