To answer your question truthfully, I think the reason you took this long... you were scared. Scared to really look in the mirror and see what you were. Books hold that mirror right in your face, the truth, especially in How to Help your Spouse Heal, is written on those pages.
But you've taken that all important first step towards healing. Well done! You've done a brave and good thing, keep going with it.
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. We can do this.
Remember this is a long process, and you have to take it all to heart. Don't half-ass this process. Really think about what you read, and act on it appropriately.
Don't think that this will happen overnight. This is a loooong journey you are on. Even in my short time being on this journey, I can tell you that nothing comes easy anymore.
Good for you. Keep it up.
Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.
" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now." R.R
She is happier than I have seen in a while and making all kinds of moving on plans
Examine yourself, what are your actions? You waited too long and have made plenty of mistakes in R. I will let you in on a little secret. We all do that. no matter how soon or how much we give. In all of our heads is: why didn't I come clean sooner? why didn't I fix my sh!t before i stepped out? So you are in good company.
Now, what are you going to do about it????
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
that actually means happier making plans WITHOUT me.
that is exactly what I took it to mean.
the good news is, "It ain't over till it's over. and then it still ain't over"
You have to keep fighting FOR YOU If D does come, than you are going to need to healthy enough to deal with it. There are many people here on SI going through R after D
when I said she is happier than in a long time, that actually means happier making plans WITHOUT me. She is happy to get on without me. She seems to have stopped being in misery thinking about how she will function after we D
Are you able to connect with the relief she must be feeling?
Yesterday I told BH that I finally understood (stupid me) that when he says he wants to be strong enough to leave - he's saying that he wants to be healthy enough to make a choice about staying or leaving without fear being his motivator.
Ultimately, what I really want as an outcome is that both BH and I manage to find our ways to health. I want BH to be able to live a happy life. I want him to heal. Does it scare the crap out of me that he wants nothing to do with me? Absolutely. But if it is what gives him the chance to be happy, then he deserves it.
I am by no means perfect at this. I have failed at changing so many of my bad habits. And my BH feels as though I am doing anything but try. I know that getting to the place where I can recognize that what I want for him is health and happiness, even if it is without me, means I am finally finding some of that much needed empathy.
Try finding that place. It's true what people say: the journey isn't about you. Yes, you must heal yourself, but the journey is about the BS.
[This message edited by Wayflost at 4:33 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]
Side note: wife wants me to move out. I have no where to go. My family are sociopaths and we don't speak. She really doesn't care and told me to figure it out the same way I figured out that cheating was ok. Wow-that hurts. She really is done. It's just over. It hurts to breathe. How can I let her go? She's what I want. I know it's selfish but it's true.
My fear is that I will lose her and never get to come close to showing her what I can be
the reality of our situation as waywards is: we lost them the minute we chose against them. The minute we stepped out.
why would you not be able to show her what you can be? You still have kids together. You are still going to be part of her life. So show her. My BS tells me "when R is no longer an option and D starts. that is when your true colors are shown. since there is nothing left to fight for. that is one surefire way to see who somebody truly is"
lets look at what she is doing compared to what you did. you stepped out of the M and had As seeing what it out there. You got the excitement of that while you were still M. Now what she is doing, she is looking at that excitement and curious about it so she wants to D. to then go and find out what is out there. her action now, should have been your action then.
So the question is: What are you going to do now? Are you going to honor her request? Are you going to find a way to move forward? Are you going to be a good father? Are you going to grant an amicable D? or Are you going to make it miserable? And dishonor her? And use the kids against her? look at the reality of that. which of those two people do you want to be? honorable, loving, kind, remorseful or dishonorable, resentful, angry, controlling?
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.”
I know you are scared and hurting right now. We are here for you. I recommend reading the D/S forum also. You have to hang in there and fight for you. you are the only thing you can control.
The reality of it and the pain of what has happened. The cheating, the decisions to do so, the way she hates every ounce of me now and can't wait to get rid of me. It all hurts.
You feel ashamed. That pain you feel is because you are trying to protect yourself. You brain is screaming 'NO! Don't read it! It's too uncomfortable, too embarrasing! Just move on and think about something else!
You need to override this impulse and these feelings. If you want to change, to be a better person, then you need to face what you've done, accept it as your reality and take steps to ensure you don't make the same choices in the future.
She doesn't care about me anymore
Well that's just self pitying rubbish! She does care about you. But she doesn't care about your life together because it's built on lies. Your wedding day might have been the happiest of your life but how can she view it as anything other than proof of the lengths you are willing to go to in order to protect yourself. You stood up in front of all your friends and family and possibly even god and lied.
Leave the pity party. You've stayed too long, had too much and it's time to go home. I agree with everything DJ said, he's given some great advice.
[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 8:04 AM, July 25th (Friday)]