Different reasons for affairs.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
In some cases, a very small number, the two cheaters get together and live happily ever after. The large majority of the time the affair relationship eventually ends, even if the marriage ends also. Probably especially if the marriage ends also. The affair I think usually loses its luster when all the lying and sneaking around are taken out of it.
There's a movie named "Diner" made in 1982 (yeah, I'm old) and this quote from it reminds me kind of what I think the affair becomes when the marriage is over and it no longer is an affair:
Shrevie: when you're dating, everything is talking about sex. Where can we do it? Why can't we do it? Are you parents gonna be out so we can do it? Everything is always talkin about getting sex, and then planning the wedding, all the details. But then, when you get married... it's crazy, i dunno. You can get it whenever you want it. You wake up in the morning and she's there. You come home from work and she's there. So all that sex planning talk is over with. And so is the wedding planning talk cause you're already married. So... ya know I can come down here and we can bullshit the entire night away but I cannot hold a 5 minute conversation with Beth. I mean it's not her fault, I'm not blaming her, she's great... It's just, we got nothing to talk about... But it's good, it's good
I find there is something very teenager-ish, very puppy-love-ish, about affairs.
[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 8:52 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
In the case of the second OW, he had already ended it and thought he got away free of repercussions. He had been in another state on TDY and it was just sex. My husband never had any intention of it being anything more and had no feelings for her other than, again, not wanting to hurt her feelings. Unfortunately for my husband, her husband didn't like the fact that he had gotten away with it and called me.
As for whether getting caught cures them- I don't think getting caught or confessing has as much to do with it as them doing the work to find out why they did it and shore up the boundaries they crossed. The first time, I accepted a lot of blame for his affair and he didn't do the work. I believe that's why the second time occurred. The second time, I was ready for divorce if I didn't get everything I needed to heal and he didn't do the work on himself. If there is a third time, I don't care what he does- I'm done.
WS would have eventually stopped cheating if they had not been caught?
Mine would have continued. He continued when he did get caught. Getting caught didn't derail him in the least. 't fact, when he got caught his response was, "well it worked all the other times I did it". Followed by, "i'm weak".
Robert Louis Stevenson
words mean nothing .....their actions will tell you all you need to know.
My fWW never stopped. For the last couple of years, I don't think she actually had an AP but she cheated in her mind continuously.
Does getting caught usually (or ever) cure them?
No. The only "cure" is "doing the work". If the cheater WANTS to change, he/she can.
Many want to remain as they are, however.
It's funny how sometimes the people you'd take a bullet for,are the ones behind the trigger.
I said to her he put pressure on you why didn't you just say NO! You didn't owe him anything just walk away. And then her answer was.
"When I would make excuses not to meet him or not answer his phone calls he would say I feel like you are pulling away from me." and then here is the kicker she said "I didn't want to disappoint him." WTF!
FWW is a people pleaser. So she wanted him to still like her. And even though she said after a while that she didn't want to have sex with him anymore she did to make him happy.
I kind of believe most of what she said. She told me she never thought she would get caught. And she did not know if she could have ended the affair even though she said she wanted to.
She was terrified that I caught her and thought that when she got home her stuff would be in the driveway and if that was the case she would have been able to end it on her own. But she would have ended our marriage of 20 years too.
So I can not really answer that question. The affair stopped as soon as I confronted her.
She went back to work and told him 10yearsafter know about us do not contact me or speak to me or come by my office ever and turned around and walked away.
After years, good times with the OM, really bad times, criminal threats to my WS from him, him moving 1000 miles away ..her tempororailily ending it a number of times but each time going back to the OM when I did not know.
Once caught...not admitting anything and in denial...I only got the truth when WW faced with divorse....she would have never stopped. At one point she suggested she keep going and we stay together(irrational panic faced with the loss of OM)
I am just hoping she stays as stong as she has been so far and it remains stopped since the NC.
You have to remember for some WSs this is a very strong addiction. Like any other addiction the cycle must be broken before it can be stopped. Catching them, having data, getting full and honest disclosure, and in my case willingness to get divorsed was what initially broke the cycle.
New life can not begin until we stop the old one.
[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 10:28 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]
Question for the group. How many of you think your WS would have eventually stopped cheating if they had not been caught? I vote a big no.
Getting caught just means they got caught.
How many of you think your WS would have eventually stopped cheating if they had not been caught?
April 2013 stops setting.
May 2013 ends lta.
June 2013 d-day 1 spontaneous confession but with massive lying (admits to an ea).
Jan 2014 d-day 2 admits a pa. Several more d-day soon after due to TT.
She stopped it all before I even knew it had happened.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
He is emotionally arrested somewhere around kindergarten.
Nope. If I hadn't discovered the last affair--which was his most involved (being something other than paid sex, an Adult Friend Finders hookup, or a bar-fueled one night stand--he would have had another. And another. And another. All the while weaving a complex mental tapestry that made it all right in his mind.(And really, he does think it's all right.)