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You don't really want to go do you?

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LiarsandFools posted 7/22/2014 20:47 PM

Me and my common law H have lived together for 14 years. I had 100% trust in H.

6 years ago, H secretly went to visit his ex GF. He always spoke fondly of her. I accidentally discovered this secret hook up a few months after the fact. When I confronted him, his story changed SEVERAL times and he had trouble remembering which version he had told. And I was not supposed to know about it.

We were going to visit his adult son. It is an 18 hour drive! Days before we were to leave, he said to me "you don't really want to go do you?". He failed to tell me that he intended to hook up with OW for the weekend on the way to his son's. He called OW twice the day he left and she called him twice the next day. He said OW backed out at the last minute because something could "happen" and they are both in LT relationships. He said that instead she set up for H to meet up with their mutual male friend at a bar. Keep in mind that this is an 18 hour drive to this city from our city. Not once did H talk to old male friend on the phone, but he insists that is who he spent the weekend with. Call me crazy, but I find it odd that H has never talked about old friend... ever. H has not called old friend before or after that weekend. I still believe that H and OW hooked up that weekend, H still denies it.

Since this, H pays cash for EVERYTHING.

FF Summer 2013. We go to H's hometown reunion. H says to me "you don't really want to go to the dance do you?" I found out later that a female high school classmate (OW2) was at the dance complaining to H of her husband and that she should just divorce him.

After the reunion, H left for another "son" trip. I know it's been 6 years, but it was a full blown trigger for me and things between us were not good before he left. Then in Sept 2013 I discovered that he contacted OW2 and tried to hook up with her. H stated OW2 turned him down.

Things got rough after that between us. We went to couples counselling but the counsellor was a dud. She asked me if I thought it was still an affair even if there was no penis/vagina contact. WTF? How does she know there wasn't? Does she think that because H admitted that both times he was ready & willing to go for it?

Nov 2013. H gets a text from OW1's adult son. It says "who in gods green earth is this"? Innocent enough. What disturbs me is that he never deleted this text. Saved it for some reason. I kept my mouth shut about this text for 7 months and not sure what triggered me, but we came close to separating after I finally asked him about it. H states he did not know it was from OW1's son and doesn't know how to delete texts. Lol. Another lie.

Now, I am obsessed. I think about all of this - all of the time. It all feels like it happened yesterday. I am sick and tired of thinking about it and of being suspicious.

[This message edited by LiarsandFools at 8:57 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

OnTilt posted 7/23/2014 08:36 AM

Hi liarsandfools, you have come to the right place, though sorry you have to be here at all.

You don't really describe what your H's reactions have been when you confronted him with your concerns, but let me guess. She is just a friend, just wanted to catch up with an old friend, see how their life is doing, was not an affair, was not trying to have an affair, it's no big deal nothing happened, etc etc.

Sound familiar? I found myself in a similar sitch- in my case it all started with FB.

Anyway, the advice I am going to give you is everything I DIDN'T do. First, don't confront anymore, install a key logger on computer and VAR in car. See if anything is going on now.

I am 2.5 years out from finding out my H was contacting exes. I have no physical evidence just a whole lot of "that doesn't make sense". I think about it all the time as well. I know my H is lying and it has seriously killed our relationship. I knew it would eventually. Don't care like I used to and know getting out of the marriage is my key to NOT thinking about it all the time.


Sorry I don't have any great advice just wanted you to know you are not alone. {HUGS}

allusions posted 7/23/2014 12:50 PM

As you probably realize "You don't really want to go, do you?" is a form of manipulation. So is "You are going, aren't you?" A neutral question would be "Do you want to go?" or "Are you going?"

There are a lot of issues here. Paying for everything in cash is a bad sign.

I suggest you find a better counselor.

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