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Remembering "dark thoughts"

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yearsofpain25 posted 7/22/2014 21:04 PM

First let me preface this with I'm not suicidal. Not in the least. I have a wonderful family and would not do anything stupid to myself. I'm really just starting this thread to acknowledge this part of me.

That said, I've definitely been having "dark thoughts" lately. I was doing really well and felt mentally stronger after the FOO battle that I had with my mother. I'm still NC with her. Lately though I think the pendulum has swung back the other way.

I have been remembering feelings that I thought I had long forgotten and buried. Remembering what it was like be suicidal. Remembering the feeling of the gun in my mouth to see if I could do it. Remembering my plans to carry it out. Remembering what it's like to have no confidence and no self worth which is why I became suicidal. I went through roughly a 5 or 6 year time period where I had suicide ideation.

The ever present survivor's guilt that I have has always been around. My brother successfully committing suicide and me knowing that I should have been the one to go. Honestly I didn't talk about any of this until very recently so it's not like I have dealt with any of these thoghts before.

I've been trying to fake it til I make it since this weekend to try and bring me out of my funk a bit. It's been working somewhat but remembering these feelings is wearing me down. As I said I would never think of actually doing that...but I certainly am starting to remember how consumed I was by it back when. No triggers or mind movies like I was having over the winter. More of just knowing that I don't have any self worth or value. I still feel this way, just haven't looked at it in a long time. Comes from remembering wtf happened to me before I moved to the town where I live now to get away from my FOO. Thinking about my past FOO brings flashes of my rage back at odd moments. I have it under control at the moment but MrsYop is noticing that I'm detached more lately.

I start my new IC Thu night this week and MrsYop is very happy about that. I'm not so much looking forward to it. I'm committed to it and I'm committed to working on myself or I wouldn't be here. I just hate going. Sometimes I just want to be a man and suck it up old school style. I know I know. That thinking got me into trouble before. I have 25 years of repressed thoughts, feelings, PTSD, and being able to dissociate. This new IC was at the top of my list when searching for a new one. At the recommendation of some people here, she specializes in EMDR, she has a PhD and all of her qualifications seem to fit my needs. The first call we had we both agreed that this seems like it's going to be a good fit. My last one was good for managing my anger but NOTHING else. I just hate having to start over from the beginning of my story again. Although now that I have spoken about it all before, I can probably articulate better and get to my issues. I asked her to push me on the issues that I don't want to face like my brother and she agreed that she could do that. Otherwise I will never talk about it.

So it's been a few weeks of me and my thoughts. They come at times when I'm alone. In the shower, driving to/from work, doing yard work, etc. I think this shit is so engrained in me that I will never be able to get rid of it. I'm just going to have to manage it.

Anyone else ever feel like this?


tired girl posted 7/22/2014 21:33 PM

Yes. And I can tell you that with therapy, a lot of it and medication, for me it has gotten drastically better.

I had survivors guilt for a whole different reason, but I have made my peace with his death finally 19 years later. This can happen. And you can feel like your childhood is behind you, and you have made peace with that as well. Keep working on it.

LosferWords posted 7/22/2014 21:35 PM

Hey yop,

Firstly, I'm sorry you are experiencing these dark thoughts. I do think there is hope of getting through them, though, or at the very least managing them.

I have had a quite a few dark thoughts and suicidal ideation myself, starting in the early stages of puberty, probably around 11 or 12 or so. Situational depression has hit me off and on ever since then. A couple of years ago I was basically told that I had chronic major depression.

In my case, IC helped, and I did end up going on a low dosage of an SSRI (Prozac, in my case), for about a year and a half. The antidepressants helped me know what I was supposed to feel like when I wasn't depressed. The IC, and the resulting reading I did and tools I gained, helped me immensely with depression management.

I do remember feeling an onset of depression right before starting my IC. A lot of that was me having anxiety and depression tied together. Maybe you are feeling a dual anxiety/depression type thing right now because of your upcoming IC, and the task of retelling your story, "starting from the beginning", etc.?

I don't think you'll totally be starting from the beginning because of the amount of work you've done thus far. You have done a monumental amount of work. The work you have already done thus far, you can move into the "retelling your story" part of your conversation with your new therapist.

I think it would be a good idea to bring up how these dark thoughts are affecting you with your new therapist. Even if you aren't suicidal, and not at risk of harming yourself, I sense a lot of pain there, which alone justifies pursuit of healing that part of you.

Sending you lots of kind thoughts, new IC mojo, and just letting you know you are not by any means alone.


Kajem posted 7/23/2014 06:26 AM


I'm always anxious and a little depressed when I have to ask someone to help me. You are able to visit that place where the dark thoughts are hiding, maybe that's a place to start with IC. The feelings are already just below the surface, you don't have to work to remember them.

You took care of NPD mom issues. It seems that Now your body is letting you know which issue to work on next.

For me dealing with the crap as it appears seems to be working better than stuffing the issue and recalling a different issue. If that makes sense?

Keep up the very hard but good work, a healthier YOP is in your future.


[This message edited by Kajem at 6:40 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

movingforward777 posted 7/23/2014 09:45 AM

Hey yearsofpain25....first good for you for going back to IC. It is a great step towards a healthier outlook. Remember that it will stir up "old feelings" and having to retell the whole story to someone new has to be difficult.
Has your IC suggested journalling? Perhaps if you write down how you feel and what is going on in your day it will help??
Right now it is as if someone has "ripped off the bandaid" and all the "stuff" is spewing out.
Talk to your wife and tell her what is going on. She is one of your supports and needs to be in the loop. If nothing else it will help her understand why you are detached and reassure her that you are not suicidal.
Remember that SI has a wealth of knowledge and support from people that have had a lot of the same experiences. Come often, post lots and lean on people that want to help you get through this.....HUGS

norabird posted 7/23/2014 11:06 AM


I think sadnesses and losses and hurts of the past never truly leave us. And after digging them up from the past to deal with them, we will feel them more keenly than we did before addressing them.

It is part of being human to have these momentos of past grief. Work through it patiently and know that it is normal. I know you must be frustrated on some level and wish you could avoid these feelings--but you will get past them, and learn to incorporate them into your present. You are unfortunately, in some ways, only at the beginning of confronting all of this baggage. It's annoying on some levels to see all the work left to do. But take it step by step and have trust in getting to a better place through the work you're doing in IC.

It is a long process to unpack thee things. Keep walking on this journey and trust that you will come to a better place.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/23/2014 13:05 PM

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. I think you are all right. Depression and anxiety combination, unpacking these things, coming to terms with what happened to me, having to ask for help, all of it. You are all right.

Right before the first IC I went to I was at my absolute worst. The box that I had compartmentalized this stuff in was shredded and I was a complete mess. Was crying when no one could see me, the mind movies came back x100, major anxiety, all while not wanting to look at it. This went on for a few months and the day I went back to IC I shoved it all back in the box because I was going to have to talk about it. It's all like it's about someone else's life. A bad black and white biography that I watched. I shoved it all back in the box so I could talk about it and it hasn't come back out. The anger was always out but the sheer pain of things like having to scrape my brothers brains off of things and all the childhood abuse went back in the box. It hasn't come back at all. I still haven't cried again. I haven't had the mind movies or dreams again. I just now have this dull ache about remembering that I'm worthless.

It scares the shit out of me that this is going to all come back again. I know it needs to and I know I have to look at it. I'll admit that I'm scared out of my fucking mind. This is why I know I need someone to push me.


tired girl posted 7/23/2014 13:37 PM


A good counselor will take you at the pace that you can handle.

You need to figure out for yourself why you are NOT worthless. People can tell you that all day long, but until you have a reason to feel it for yourself you will never believe it. Find that reason.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/23/2014 13:50 PM

You need to figure out for yourself why you are NOT worthless. People can tell you that all day long, but until you have a reason to feel it for yourself you will never believe it. Find that reason.

So very true TG. So very true. Logically I know this already. A few people in private conversations here as well as in my IRL personal relationships have told me my values and I don't believe them. Logically my brain knows they are right. My heart is not buying it. Not really. And there lies my problem. I honestly don't think I (me) have any value. I do think I'm worthless. Even though I know in some abstract sense I probably do, I just have no idea how to feel that.

Working on it I guess. Again this is something that I don't think I will ever really "get" and that I'm just going to have to manage.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/24/2014 12:08 PM

Can't believe I have to go talk about this in 4 hours.

Lyonesse posted 7/24/2014 12:45 PM

You can do it, yop! I believe it is possible to retrain the depression/obsession loop. A good IC could be very helpful.

Would you consider learning meditation? My WH says it is helping him so much with quieting some of those thoughts.

I read a very interesting book (got it from the library) about neuroplasticity - the ability to retrain the brain and one's feelings. The thinking of some scientists has shifted from "we are victims of the chemicals in our brain and our past experiences" to looking at the ways people can recover from stroke, depression, etc. by practicing the kind of meditation Buddhist monks do. The book was called Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain. There's an article on it here:

The important thing is you are not letting these thoughts defeat you, and you are taking steps to manage them. I hope your session today went well.

doggiediva posted 7/24/2014 16:42 PM

I wish you didn't have to struggle with a self worth issue, because BELIEVE ME, you make a difference in people's lives..
This summer has been a stormy one for me..I like coming here to read and post with the hope that I have helped somebody out there..
When you realized that I had been missing from these boards, you reached out and mentioned your concern, wondering if I was OK..Seeing that you cared, made my day..

Good luck in counseling... I pray that soon you will be looking forward to these sessions.. I hope that your new counselor will be very gifted in helping you find new meaning and healing each time you take a look at your life, think about it, discuss it..

It is such a treasure when we discover new growth and learning about ourselves, I just hate that it can be an extremely painful journey..

norabird posted 7/24/2014 17:29 PM

I hope the session today goes well.

Sometimes the things we are most scared of re the things we most need to confront.

I hope that shining the light into these corners will get rid of the shadows for you. Take it slow if you need to but know you aren't doing it alone--we and all your friends and family are with you in spirit.

You are so far from worthless. You are so deserving of believing you have value.

Trust in your ability to work through all of this. It's not going to defeat you. You can handle it, bit by bit. That's how you eat an elephant, right?

yearsofpain25 posted 7/25/2014 07:48 AM

Thanks for that Lyonesse. Meditation is something that I've never tried but I'm certainly open to it. I'll keep an eye out for that book.

And thanks everyone for the continued support. Much appreciated.

I won't lie. I was anxious yesterday leading up to it. Right before I got there I calmed down and snapped to. It was a get to know you session since it was the first one. She seems like she is going to be a good fit and is starting me on EMDR therapy next week. She warned me that's it's going to be intense but that I should start to see results soon. She primarily works with combat vets and even worked in a VA hospital for 10 years before opening her own practice. She really knows the ins and outs of PTSD. She had me on topics that I didn't even come close to getting to with my first IC. First session was very good. I have a much better feeling about this than I did the first time around.

Thanks again everyone.

tired girl posted 7/25/2014 10:34 AM

I am doing some EMDR with my therapist and it is helping.

Do you feel like you are connected with how you feel? All of your feelings?

Lyonesse posted 7/25/2014 11:55 AM

Sounds like a therapist who knows what she's doing, at least. I'll be interested in hearing how it goes, if you feel like posting updates. I'm curious about EMDR.

Best wishes!

LosferWords posted 7/25/2014 13:08 PM

Really glad about your experience with your new IC, yop. Getting a good one makes all of the difference. I've never done EMDR before, but have heard many good things about it.

Keep us posted on your progress!

I know you didn't have the best of experience with your last IC. What is your gut saying about your new therapist?

kiki1 posted 7/25/2014 13:45 PM


I see you post so often here to bring people comfort in an awful situation.

You guide them in gaining knowledge in order to get themselves out of a horrible place.

You share your own painful experiences in order to move them along the path to healing.

I see you reach out to strangers, time and time again.

I read how you struggle with your own FOO and gain ground on them.

To us here, in this club no one ever wanted to join, you are INVALUABLE.

Never someone who has no value. Please dont ever forget that.

Many here benefit from your contributions, probably in ways you will never even be aware of.

You truly give others gifts that are priceless.

Good luck on your journey, YOP, so glad your here for us,,,,,,,,,,

yearsofpain25 posted 7/25/2014 15:05 PM

Do you feel like you are connected with how you feel? All of your feelings?

Definitely not TG. And I don't know that I ever have been completely connected with how I feel. I usually hide behind anger to avoid many of the other negative feelings.

Sounds like a therapist who knows what she's doing, at least. I'll be interested in hearing how it goes, if you feel like posting updates. I'm curious about EMDR.

Sure thing Lyonesse. I noticed in that first meeting that she was honing in on a few things. She noticed that I was rubbing my forehead and grabbing at my neck a lot. At one point she stopped me and asked me if I felt pain in those places. I had to think about it for a second but yes I did feel like I was getting a headache and my neck was very stiff. She noted that part of EMDR is treating the physical symptoms or pain that go with the corresponding emotional ones. I guess I'll get to see what that is about in the coming weeks. I will certainly keep you posted if you are interested.

What is your gut saying about your new therapist?

Thanks Losfer. My gut says that this is going to be a really good fit for me. This new IC got more of the bigger picture out of me in 1 hour than my last IC did in 4 months! I really liked her right from the start and she wasn't shocked by anything I said like the first one was on day one. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified though.

kiki1 - I had to bite my tongue at work a bit to prevent myself from crying reading that. Thank you. My head knows what you say is true but the illogical side to me that feels has a hard time reconciling your words. I don't do well with compliments. Especially IRL because I have no idea how to handle them. Thank you. Your words meant a lot to me.

I'm surprised that I got some posts here as I was trying to hide in OT here a bit. But if y'all are interested, I did have one breakthrough moment yesterday.

We briefly touched upon my survivors guilt and she wanted me to tell the story of why I didn't kill myself back when I was 13. And that was because a classmate of mine beat me to it two days before I had it planned out. I saw the aftermath and couldn't do that to other people. Subconsciously I believe that had I killed myself, my brother would still be here today because he would have seen the fallout like I saw the fallout, therefore he would not have done it. Was an a-ha moment for me. I know he may have done it anyway, but I believe he would not have.

And my work continues...

Thanks again everyone.


Faithful w/Love posted 7/25/2014 15:11 PM

Your doing great.. I have read lots of your post and you are an amazing person. You really are. Keep going.. you got this.

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