This gives a chance for the trust to be rebuilt.
As for "normal", things are never going to go back to being as they were. You have to define and live a "new normal" which can be acceptable and fulfilling for you.
For me it took quite a while. I trust very few people and I had never trusted someone who lied to be before.It takes effort on both people to regain it. You can do it..trust what you can right now but verify .
What doesn't kill me, scars me.
Your "gut" is the best indicator of whether he's doing the right things to earn trust. Sounds funny but it is usually right.
[This message edited by cosmicjoke at 3:40 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]
Right now-it's far too soon to fully trust him again. This takes years and that's if the wayward is fully commited to R and drops all the games. I know it's unsettling.
You can't go back to before. Hang in there and make sure your needs are being met.
We can never go back to being who we were before the A. We will all be "sadder but wiser" from here on out.
it sucks, the consequences to affairs are never properly calculated by the wayward crowd, the affairs could never be worth it.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
You said it all when you wrote that you're worried if you let your guard down something else will pop up. That is exactly how I feel. Even though my WH has become very remorseful and tells me he knows he has to earn my trust again...the sad fact is there will never be that complete trust again.
I caught him first with porn, then 13yrs of phone sex, then casual date sites which were supposedly curiosity(pretty sure that's all it was), then he met a prostitute.
There was another occasion that I suspected and sure enough after 12mths of firstly denying, last night he said it was a massage with a happy ending
I don't mean to hurt you but, Im hoping that this will grab your attention. Your are still in denial about the extent of your WH's massive offense. Gently sarahstar...he has a serious problem. He is an addict and it is naive to believe that he is going to stop using his drug of choice. He will tell you he will and he most likely means it but, you cannot put stock into that. The odds are stacked against the fact that he will.
You are in denial of the severity of what you are experiencing and setting yourself up for more heartache down the line if you don't address it now. I know you don't want to do IC but, I want you to understand that it is vital to your mental health to deal with this trauma and it is imperative that your WH is held accountable for what he has done. He needs to be with a CSAT and in a 12 step program with an accountability partner.
Honey, things will never go back to the way they were. It is a given that if you don't deal with it now it will come back to devastate you again in spades. You can't begin to trust him yet.
I'm just telling you what I wish someone would have told me when I was where you are right now. It would have helped me formulate a plan for going forward in a much better way.
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 7:57 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell
I Made Him Cut TiEs With Both If Them One Was Much Older, & gave Him Advice But Istill Think She Would Have Tried Something. TheOther One Stalked Him For 2 Months
He Had T Threaten Her With Me, And The Other One I Emailed, Which HE DOesnt Know.
Then A Stalker. From When He Went On Craigslist Started Emailing Him Non Stop, I Head To Email Her & ThreatenHer That If Find Her _ It Wouldn't Be PRetty.
He Lost 2 Years Of Hard Work From Both Of Us In A Instant. Now I'm obssessing.Every Day Over Craigslist Dating Sites, Where Is He, Bec I Had No Clue, Except The Bars But He'd Call & Text. It Didn't Make Sense If He Was Cheating. I Hate This
[This message edited by Gator8 at 12:51 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]
It takes checking and following up, and snooping about 4 zilliontrillon times....Then slowly and surely the trust rebuilds.
I hate this phrase:
"trust, but verify" like is widely suggested here on this website
No I will never blindly trust anyone ever again. I guarantee you that. I honestly and firmly believe that although it was sad initially it has ultimately made me happier and stronger. I may seem jaded, and cynical at times. But I also will never have the rug of life ripped out from under me again. I will be able to slam my foot down, and prevent it before it happens. I'm more than ok with that.
It takes checking and following up, and snooping about 4 zilliontrillon times....Then slowly and surely the trust rebuilds
"The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies. It comes from friends and loved ones."
Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.