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How do you get the trust back?

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sarahstar posted 7/22/2014 21:13 PM

I know it will take time and I know open emails, phone tracking etc will help but they could still hide secrets. I know my WH is remorseful and I do want to go back to when things weren't secretive. I'm just scared he will find a better way of hiding stuff that I don't know about. I just want to trust him again and be the normal happy couple we used to be.

tfkeel posted 7/22/2014 21:22 PM

I think the best is "trust, but verify" like is widely suggested here on this website.

This gives a chance for the trust to be rebuilt.

As for "normal", things are never going to go back to being as they were. You have to define and live a "new normal" which can be acceptable and fulfilling for you.

Time Ticks On posted 7/22/2014 21:26 PM

It slowly builds back up as you watch their actions. When you check and see that he is being honest about where he has gone or who he has talked to. It takes time..I always hating hearing that. I wanted to know how much time.

For me it took quite a while. I trust very few people and I had never trusted someone who lied to be before.It takes effort on both people to regain it. You can do what you can right now but verify .

healingroad posted 7/23/2014 00:00 AM

I never got it back. She didn't earn my trust so now we head towards D.

Your "gut" is the best indicator of whether he's doing the right things to earn trust. Sounds funny but it is usually right.

sarahstar posted 7/23/2014 00:34 AM

yes, my gut has proved correct on numerous occasions. Ō'm worried if I eventually let my guard down, something else will pop up. At the moment, I can't see trust coming back completely. It feels like the worry will always be there.

cosmicjoke posted 7/23/2014 03:36 AM

Welcome to your new reality. If you decide to R I think some returns (enough for you to still function) but for most people, not all, ever, really. Who is it on here whose profile says 'Forgive & forget= Relive & Regret'...? So no, I don't think you can or should ever stop keeping an eye on things. Your life, health and survival depend on it.
If enough bad things happen I think it permanently destroys the part of your brain that is able to trust other humans or even life at all. The moment you get an inkling to trust someone or something again, everything in your brain starts screaming, 'DANGER!!!' ..and that's the end of that.
But I guess it all comes down to personal preference and experience- how much you have to lose if you get hurt again & how badly you want to protect yourself. Remorse from your partner is great and all- (if it's real & it lasts)- but that still doesn't mean you can trust anyone completely, and it still doesn't mean you can trust others (3rd party) to not interfere with your rela and not try and screw you over.
So no, for some of us it doesn't ever really return, and the worst part of it all is you lose the ability to trust yourself and your own perceptions of reality. I still struggle with that every day.. and it sucks. But it is what it is.
It's also important for the W. spouse to fully understand the consequences of their stupid, destructive actions- what they had and what they lost. They had a trusting spouse- and now they don't. And that's the choice they made.

[This message edited by cosmicjoke at 3:40 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

sarahstar posted 7/23/2014 21:37 PM

cosmicjoke, thanks, what you wrote made complete sense. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. He was the one person I thought I could trust completely and he betrayed that in many ways over the years with an ultimate betrayal that sealed the loss of trust. The new reality I will have to get used to unfortuneately.

BtraydWife posted 7/23/2014 21:46 PM

Is he asking you this? How he can earn back your trust? This is something he should be worried about and motivated by. It's NOT you learning to trust him again. It's all on him earning it back.

Right now-it's far too soon to fully trust him again. This takes years and that's if the wayward is fully commited to R and drops all the games. I know it's unsettling.

You can't go back to before. Hang in there and make sure your needs are being met.

krsplat posted 7/24/2014 07:22 AM

This question is one that makes me really sad. As others here have posted, I don't think I will ever really trust anyone again. It will always be in the back of my mind that even those who appear to love me most can lie and betray me and break my heart.

We can never go back to being who we were before the A. We will all be "sadder but wiser" from here on out.

sarahstar posted 7/25/2014 20:42 PM

krsplat, thinking about it, you are absolutely correct. I know I am different now, even my way of thinking in general with the kids and friends has changed. I truly trust no-one. So very sad.

steppingup posted 7/25/2014 23:48 PM

From someone who has been fighting the affairs for most of the marriage, over 13 years worth, the trust never fully comes back, and as you get affair triggers, the trust wobbles and you feel like it starts all over again.

it sucks, the consequences to affairs are never properly calculated by the wayward crowd, the affairs could never be worth it.

Faithful w/Love posted 7/26/2014 00:04 AM

Time! In that time your gut will let you know. Trusting again takes time and effort if the person wants to be truly trust and tat person(WH) will do what it takes to earn that trust which all of that is time driven. Everyone has a clean slate when you first meet them and over time you know if you can trust them. Once that trust is taken by their hands it is their will over time to prove they can be trusted again. It is up to them to prove to you that they can be trusted. Not yours to take on but to watch and see. Time.

MissWhoKnew posted 7/30/2014 18:56 PM


You said it all when you wrote that you're worried if you let your guard down something else will pop up. That is exactly how I feel. Even though my WH has become very remorseful and tells me he knows he has to earn my trust again...the sad fact is there will never be that complete trust again.

Lyonesse posted 7/30/2014 18:59 PM

I don't think it is my job to "get" my trust back. I think it is his job to try to build it up.

outtanowhere posted 7/30/2014 19:40 PM

I caught him first with porn, then 13yrs of phone sex, then casual date sites which were supposedly curiosity(pretty sure that's all it was), then he met a prostitute.

There was another occasion that I suspected and sure enough after 12mths of firstly denying, last night he said it was a massage with a happy ending

I don't mean to hurt you but, Im hoping that this will grab your attention. Your are still in denial about the extent of your WH's massive offense. Gently sarahstar...he has a serious problem. He is an addict and it is naive to believe that he is going to stop using his drug of choice. He will tell you he will and he most likely means it but, you cannot put stock into that. The odds are stacked against the fact that he will.

You are in denial of the severity of what you are experiencing and setting yourself up for more heartache down the line if you don't address it now. I know you don't want to do IC but, I want you to understand that it is vital to your mental health to deal with this trauma and it is imperative that your WH is held accountable for what he has done. He needs to be with a CSAT and in a 12 step program with an accountability partner.

Honey, things will never go back to the way they were. It is a given that if you don't deal with it now it will come back to devastate you again in spades. You can't begin to trust him yet.

I'm just telling you what I wish someone would have told me when I was where you are right now. It would have helped me formulate a plan for going forward in a much better way.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 7:57 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

Gator8 posted 7/31/2014 00:47 AM

It HAd been 2 Years Before I Started Feeling Like I.Could Relax Then My GuT Feeling Told Me To Check.Craigslist On A 2 Day Seminar He Had. YepThere It Was, Asking For Female Company, The Kicker It Was Valentines. I Confronted Him Immediately, Emailed The Women ToldThem To F Off, He Said He Backed Out Of Everything. But When He Got Home He Proceeded To Tell Me He Met 3 Women On Craigslist Strictly Platonic, They Only Talk, He Meets One For coffee, & One For A Drink After Work, The OtherHeHadStopped Talking To Bec She'dGot Needy. He'd Suddenly Started Getting A Drink After Work, NeverEver Did He Do That, Questioned Him At The Time, He Just Wanted To Try Something Different, I Said How About Including Me... Oh But The Kids....

I Made Him Cut TiEs With Both If Them One Was Much Older, & gave Him Advice But Istill Think She Would Have Tried Something. TheOther One Stalked Him For 2 Months
He Had T Threaten Her With Me, And The Other One I Emailed, Which HE DOesnt Know.
Then A Stalker. From When He Went On Craigslist Started Emailing Him Non Stop, I Head To Email Her & ThreatenHer That If Find Her _ It Wouldn't Be PRetty.

He Lost 2 Years Of Hard Work From Both Of Us In A Instant. Now I'm obssessing.Every Day Over Craigslist Dating Sites, Where Is He, Bec I Had No Clue, Except The Bars But He'd Call & Text. It Didn't Make Sense If He Was Cheating. I Hate This

[This message edited by Gator8 at 12:51 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 7/31/2014 09:01 AM

How do you learn to trust again????
It takes time. It takes consistent openness, transparency, and willingness to be forthcoming.

It takes checking and following up, and snooping about 4 zilliontrillon times....Then slowly and surely the trust rebuilds.

I hate this phrase:

"trust, but verify" like is widely suggested here on this website

I strongly disagree your spouse the WS needs to know you DO NOT trust, and that you may never trust again. They need to understand that, and the sooner they do, the better off you both are. I think "Trust but verify" puts you in a place of pushing yourself to do something you are not willing to.

No I will never blindly trust anyone ever again. I guarantee you that. I honestly and firmly believe that although it was sad initially it has ultimately made me happier and stronger. I may seem jaded, and cynical at times. But I also will never have the rug of life ripped out from under me again. I will be able to slam my foot down, and prevent it before it happens. I'm more than ok with that.

takingitdaybyday posted 8/1/2014 01:37 AM

Sarahstar when I read your post I completely feel/felt the same way. I really struggled with the fact that I will never completely trust anyone ever again after this. I am not sure the WS understand what they have done to us after they do this but I am sure it is not worth it. What I can say is that in order for both of you to live your life trust is happening, even if you don't see it. For instance, he says he's going to work - you have to trust him that he is actually going to work and not going somewhere else.. even as simple as the grocery store, or anywhere. It seems crazy but we are left with no choice but to trust if you are going to be in a relationship with that person. Will the trust ever be the same? No. Will doubt happen, and snooping still occur? Absolutely. I just think it becomes less and less. But trust can only rebuild if both parties know their errors and admit to them and want to make them right. If the WS doesn't get why their actions occurred and how to prevent it then its going to be very hard to trust them again. I read a book that really helped called "I love you but I don't trust you".. there was some great tips in there that gave me perspective. And also made me feel less crazy :) I still hope I can trust more than I do now.. and thinking time will help as well as reassurances from my WH. "You can only gain trust if you let go of some of your need for safety" the book talks about this - and it really helped me see that I put a wall up and would never trust if it stayed up. Yes we are going to be more cautious but in order to have a relationship trust needs to be there.

sunny58 posted 8/1/2014 09:29 AM

It takes checking and following up, and snooping about 4 zilliontrillon times....Then slowly and surely the trust rebuilds

My problem is that I donít want to spend any more of my previous time doing this. This could take yearsÖ What kind of life is this for me? Always suspicious. Resentful. Guarded. Iím just having a hard time being with someone I canít trust.

Questioningall posted 8/1/2014 10:59 AM

It is very strange loving someone you don't trust. After Dday #2 in March, I thought I would never trust WH again. Then we worked with our counselor in MC and IC and spent a lot of time together and I was amazed at how my trust was growing--way more than I thought it would be. Then in June, I caught him in a lie, something he intentionally left out when telling me about his LTA. It was a stupid thing and wouldn't have greatly added to my pain, yet he left it out. My trust was blown away and is much slower to build back up. I still love him, but I don't trust him. I see him working and changing and being open, but the damage was done. Time is sometimes a horrid word. Time will tell if WH has truly come clean, is living honestly and openly, is once again faithful to me. I am not a patient person. Waiting sucks.

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