I think it makes sense in the simplest of terms, because we always hear things like, in order to receive love, you have to give love. That is true in some cases (but not all; unrequited love, a BS that loves their partner but their partner's a psychopaths or narcissist...etc...) So if you substitute forgiveness, it makes sense like that, but seriously, I think it is just one of those sayings people like to throw around because it sounds good.
In reality, for me.....forgiveness is a gift I choose to give or not, and I honestly won't forgive someone unless they earn it. If someone does something shitty to me and then is truly sorry about it and tries to make it up to me, I can forgive them. But my WS, who I am currently being sued over his bills for and may have to declare bankruptcy or have a lien put on my home because of him, he isn't sorry, last night told me to take a 3rd job at McDonalds to pay for HIS bills, so why should I forgive him? I hope he rots in hell. Not kidding.
that this is not 'forgiveness'; it's acceptance.
Yeah, more important for me is acceptance. At some point, I will hit acceptance. But I'm not there yet because I am currently still sorting out the damage that he has done and dealing with a bit of anger
.
I think the thing about forgiveness that people worry about is when you hold a grudge and harbor hate in your heart, it does something to you. It doesn't hurt the person that harmed you (unless you act on that anger, which I am thinking about), so when you forgive, it lightens your heart. But so does acceptance. Either/or is fine. You don't have to forgive to accept.
ETA: Oh, and for people to forgive me for my screw-ups...that is their prerogative. I can do what I can do to make up for a mess I make, but then it is up to them if they choose to forgive. That is out of my control. Cleaning up my messes is something I do for me, to make me feel better if I hurt someone else. I don't do it to try to "buy" forgiveness. I do it because it is the right thing to do.
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:58 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]
Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.