We have talked, and continue to improve our communication. However, the anger and resentment still surface, and the hate and distrust are once again against me
Yeah, and it will surface again and again. Its a cycle of a few steps ahead a few back.
I think you said you got the book "Not just friends" Read it and re-read it. Think of it as a text book on building up your boundaries.
This happened just yesterday. I was not feeling well, and was laying on the bed when she got home. She took that as my not caring to work on what I had said I would and I felt like I had just gone back to square one.
Part of building trust is doing what you will say you will do even when you are feeling bad. Right now you are the Betrayer, but you also are the healer.
I don't know if you have this book yet but get it. Its a quick read:
She has another book that is more in your face, and more religious based which is very good. I printed out the ebook version of it and have read it twice.
How can I get through everyday life without the threat of losing ground like this?
You have to push through it. Its is how it is. Some days you feel like everything you have done has been swept away. You just breath deeply and start again.
Remember you are not the only one going through this.
I saw on your other thread that you are reading "How to help my spouse heal from my affair" We have not read it but have seen many recommendations for it here in SI.
In answer to your question: " How can I get through everyday life without the threat of losing ground like this?" I can only say that it is very early days - there will not be "everyday life" for a long time.
The journey after infidelity towards healing and reconciliation is very long. It doesn't provide for 'sick days' or 'annual leave' - well not for quite some time.
That is the long term reality of a choice to betray our marriages and ourselves.
Commitment to healing within your marriage as the wayward spouse means where ever possible elevating yourself above your own immediate comfort needs - digging deeper within you resources - and applying everyone of them to your quest to understand your choices and build resilience against making them again. Also in the early months it also means being concerned with all the things that ensure your spouse feels safe, heard and valued.
A question for you - how unwell were you? Could you not have laid down AND done some journaling or letter writing or reading?
If you say you will do something - you need to do it - or every time you don't will demonstrate that you are not good for your word. Simple.
best wishes to you both.
[This message edited by MegM at 10:31 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
We did the program in 2010 and our d-day was in 2007 and we're still together, stronger than ever.
[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 1:35 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]
If she's standing by you in the end, that's great.
I'm glad that you are doing so much to try and understand yourself and your role in this betrayal. I wouldn't be expecting her to bring you chicken soup when you're sick just now. The aforementioned "end" is YEARS from now. Years. There is no quick fix - not today, not this week, not this month.
Something that I've seen in terms of remorseful FWS behavior that has dramatically increased the potential success of R is letting go of the moment to moment victimhood. "But I was perfect TODAY." "I brought her roses TODAY." "I told him he was my universe TODAY" followed by "Why isn't anything I'm doing getting appreciation?" is absolutely toxic to the recovery of the marriage. For now.
It's going to be a shit ton of thankless work, because the person who depended on you doesn't HAVE a heart to love you with right now. It's a puddle of goo she holds in her hands as she tries to make sense of her new surroundings.
You are making great progress. Be proud of your work. Be humble to Gaby and have no expectations of her other than her willingness to explore working this out with you. THAT is the prize, and it's more than some WS's get offered.
You can do this. Time to get authentic.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:51 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by SorryInSac at 9:29 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]
I don't have any personal experience with memory loss and concussions, but I think you can dig, despite those obstacles. Keep at it.
Best of luck.
When I started this process, I only had 8 childhood memories. I am up to 20+ now. So when I say "You have to want to remember" that is exactly what I mean. You will have to stop and meditate on it. When you find something write it down. You do not have to get it right the first time. You can adjust your timeline as things become more clear.
for myself, I dig and process that level. And then peel that layer and dig deeper. sometimes I sit at that layer for 1-2 weeks for processing. But then peel it and look deeper. This will be a long process. You will have to commit to yourself to complete it.
Keep working. keep fighting, keep digging.
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
I can vouch that his memory problems are very real and very long-standing.
His parents and siblings told me about migraines he had as a child that left half his body paralyzed for hours- he doesn't remember them. He's had multiple head injuries as well (car accidents, etc).
I can ask SIS to grab something for me from downstairs (as he goes to refill his drink). He'll go down, putter around, then come back up with his refilled glass, but not the item I asked for. It totally slipped his mind.
His long-term memory is spotty, his short-term memory is very bad. If he weren't holding his drink glass, he'd likely forget what he'd gone downstairs for in the first place.
I know that sometimes waywards are taken to task because they don't "want" to remember, but SIS truly doesn't have the physical ability to remember a lot of things.
Thanks for your help. (Stepping out again).
[This message edited by GabyBaby at 9:52 AM, July 25th (Friday)]
STBX WH#2 (SorryInSac) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Together 7, married 4yrs
He's drunk by 5pm DAILY.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).
I edit often for clarity/typos.
The aforementioned "end" is YEARS from now. Years. There is no quick fix - not today, not this week, not this month.
This is also huge:
Something that I've seen in terms of remorseful FWS behavior that has dramatically increased the potential success of R is letting go of the moment to moment victimhood. "But I was perfect TODAY." "I brought her roses TODAY." "I told him he was my universe TODAY" followed by "Why isn't anything I'm doing getting appreciation?" is absolutely toxic to the recovery of the marriage.
the person who depended on you doesn't HAVE a heart to love you with right now. It's a puddle of goo she holds in her hands as she tries to make sense of her new surroundings.
After what I did, and my newly realized addiction to porn, I have a lot to work ahead of me to regain her trust and respect. I know this is a long and difficult road ahead of me, but the destination is more than worth the effort.
Realizing this is important and it's just as important to keep remembering it.
Best of luck SiS, keep up the good fight
"Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go." - Mooji