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Love25 posted 7/22/2014 22:39 PM

Well, it has been two years since my world was shattered. I was just wondering...I read somewhere about year two, that you go through some changes and you pretty much make up your mind to stay or leave. Maybe I am wrong but can someone tell me what they were feeling when year two came along.

I let my husband move back in after dday to work on our marriage and he has been working but I must say, I really don't know if I want to stay any longer. I have been riding this roller coaster ride and it is starting to level out and I want to get the hell off of it. I want to go get cotton candy, ride some other rides, enjoy the amusement park. Hell, even leave the park.

At first, I really wanted it to work. Now, I feel/think this adultery shit is for the birds. This way of life is sad , pathetic, stupid!!!

Sorry for cussing, I was never a cusser until all this took place. I am sorry. .I am all over the place , I feel that big hill coming and I am sick of it, just done with all these emotions.

[This message edited by Love25 at 10:41 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Ostrich80 posted 7/23/2014 00:08 AM

Yea I've developed quite the potty mouth myself.
I'm thinking 2 yrs plus a few months, I was thinking, why did I let him stay . My ws wasn't doing the work, just kind of insinuating that by him staying, proved he was in it to win it. I was letting go of some of the anger then DD2
I'm almost 5 yrs and I regret not D. I don't like my married life anymore. He's different, we are different, and I feel like he got away with it. Things just aren't good. I've lost the love and I find it all very sad. I wish I had not been so scared to be alone at the time. At 2 yrs I still had hope but it diminished more and more each passing day.

Althea posted 7/23/2014 09:04 AM

What you are describing sounds a lot like year 2. You are past the immediate trauma and left with the ugly aftermath. Life goes back to normal, but you don't feel normal.

If your WH is working and changing, and you are working and changing, and you are done, then maybe it is a deal breaker for you. If there was rugsweeping or your WS hasn't really changed, I can totally understand feeling done.

A third possibility is that you are tired. You've been working at healing, and you are just tired. I've been there too. If you believe your WH has changed, and your marriage is worth keeping, you can wait it out and these feelings will likely pass.

For me, I tend to feel like this when we get busy and don't make time for each other. It is like my mind is taking note of the lack of connection and some kind of emergency alarm goes off.

lostworld posted 7/23/2014 10:44 AM

I remember feeling very much like you during periods of year 2. That seems to be the year in which I moved out of fearful desperation and shock to constant exhaustion mixed with occasional disgust and resentment. I was so sick of dealing with all this crap that I just wanted to walk away, but...I would always come back to knowing that I really did love him and the life we had built. I'd circle back to hope in the future based on belief in what had been, up to the A, a pretty wonderful past. I'd go to a counseling appointment and catch a glimpse of progress and healing, and I'd feel like I'd want to hold on another little while to see how far we could go.

Interspersed with my fatigue there would be glimmers of humor, cautious happiness, peaceful family times. I'd use those hopeful moments to get my focus on the positive. My natural inclination after the A was to be self-protective, and that often made me focus more heavily on the hurt of the A in the belief that that would keep me safer (he couldn't hurt me if I didn't let him in or if I only allowed the negative to be my focus.) But in choosing to put my attention on the worst of it, I was only wearing myself further down and was missing any joy or peace that was becoming available to me. I leaned heavily on IC and MC to help me shift my focus. I didn't become all pollyanna about it--suddenly seeing rainbows and unicorns everywhere I looked, and allowing my H to skate on all the changes that had and would continue to be made, but my view became more open and balanced. Year 2 was the workhorse year of change, and year 3 was the time of actually enjoying the fruits of all our labors.