and it gets worse... The OW is very close to me. She is my SIL and my boss. She has been my strongest supporter in trying to R with her brother. She didn't speak to my H for 6 months after she found out. However, she is very broken.
Over the past several years that we have worked together we have grown to be more like sisters than related by marriage. In that time she has shared with me that she was a victim of CSA at age 11 by an older cousin whom I also know. He was 17 at the time and has been in and out of jail for his whole adult life. He lived with my SIL and my H's family when he was a teenager because of a run in with the police and his mom was a single parent who couldn't control him. She didn't tell anyone at the time and the rest of her family still doesn't know. Just me.
She is a commitment-phobe. Has been in several long term relationships that led to engagement but always ended up breaking things off suddenly and without ever looking back. She is 37, never been married, and a physically beautiful woman. She recently broke off a 7 year relationship with a much older female. She has always maintained that she is not a lesbian even though there was a sexual relationship in the beginning, there has not been anything sexual between them in at least 5 years. But the girlfriend had some sort of manipulative control over her and it took a lot for her to finally muster up the courage to tell the girlfriend that she wanted to date men and possible have a family someday so she needed to move on. The girlfriend agreed to be roommates and split the bill until my SIL finds another place to live.
She tried to commit suicide about 4 years ago, but was found unconscious in the garage by her neighbor in the middle of the day who just happened to come home early from work early and sense that something was not right. She has told me in recent weeks that she has been tempted to try another route, but doesn't think she ever would. She says she doesn't want to die, but it is hard to stop thinking about it sometimes.
Insert MM whom also works with us. He is 4 years younger than SIL. I see him every day. He is a "good guy." I like him. He is not flirtatious with the women at work. It is a small place of employment (about 30 employees). He is very good at what he does and very valuable to our company. very educated and I don't know a lot about his personal life, but he was raised in an average, well to do middle class family. Despite her brokenness, my SIL is also very valuable to our company. She is a great boss and leader and from the outside seem so very strong and confident. Very smart girl.
Sorry this is so long but I am getting there..
When MM started working for our company 1.5 years ago, he and my SIL started running together. MM's wife didn't care because she, along with MM at that time thought she was a lesbian. Everyone had met her live in "girlfriend" and she was very obviously gay. A lot of the time other people run with them. But more and more it has become just the two of them. MM has been married for 6 years. He has a two year old daughter.
I have noticed over the last several months that SIL gets a little pep in her step now when he is around her at work. Smiley and giggles...him too. My radar has been up, but I never saw anything inappropriate. No one else at work suspects anything because they all think she is gay.. She does not share anything personal with employees and only about 4 of us know about her "relationship" with the gf is over.
SIL has been telling me for a couple of weeks that she needs to talk to me about something with me but then changes her mind at the last minute. Finally, we hang out over the weekend and have a few drinks. She spills it. He confessed to her that he is " in love" with her. She says, nothing physical has happened..no kiss..no holding hands ...nothing. But, all of a sudden she is in love with him too. She thinks he is "her person." She told me that if it weren't for me and my sich with her brother that she probably would have had sex with him by now..but she knows how devastated I was as a BW and after seeing it firsthand with me, she could never do that to another person..There has been some texting and late night phone calls...texting each other love songs..etc.
I have met MM's wife a couple of times. She is very quiet. Of course, according to MM she is an ice queen. He says They have only had sex 3 times in the past year. He says that she is not affectionate to him and that the marriage is over and has been for a long time. This is all coming from SIL, MM has told me nothing. He is in a position of authority over me..but not directly like my SIL.
MM has told my SIL that he is divorcing so that they can be together. He has told his wife he wants a divorce and has also told our company president and Vice President that he is getting divorced. He was supposed to go see his attorney today. Supposedly, his wife saw an attorney on Friday and came home saying she didn't want to D. He still says he D'ing.
My SIL called in sick today because she stayed awake all night, texting back and forth with me, saying how much she hates herself and that what she will never be enough for him once he sees how broken she is...but that she loves him and that he is all she wants. Then, she worries that he is making a mistake. She has texted him telling him to work out things with his wife because she doesn't think someone like him could possibly love her. He says too late and the decision is made.
Meanwhile, my day at work is intense because MM knows that I know something, but he has no idea how much. He is obviously feeling a little uncomfortable around me and I have no idea what to do or say to him. My SIL has begged me not say anything to anyone because either or both of them could be fired.
So, EA. He is going to D and ride off into the sunset with my SIL. OMG. Is this what is really about to happen in my work life too...if have no idea what to do. Part of me thinks that he has no idea what life with her would be like, but we all work together in pretty close quarters and he has seen a lot of her ups and downs. She thinks she could be bi-polar but has never been diagnosed. I think she is very possibly right. She has been in IC a couple of times but says it didn't help.
Then there is the other part of me wondering about his BW. My H said the same things about me... We never had sex anymore and that I didn't have any feelings for him. But he was never around. I was very depressed for 2 or 3 years after having our 1st child and didn't really understand what was going on inside my own head and he is right..I never wanted sex because he was not emotionally supportive. He expected to come home after the baby was asleep and I had also worked all day AND taken care of the baby, and dinner and bath for baby and cleaning, and slap my ass. That was my queue to jump his bones. Nope. Couldn't do it.
I can't help but relate to BW here. If MM and BW are not having sex maybe he is a control freak asshole.. Maybe he has issues with intimacy. I know my H did.
She wants my honesty. I just don't know what that is...I mean if he is divorcing before anything physical happens, and that is what he wants to do so they can be together. But once he moves out...if he does and starts hanging with my SIL 24/7 he may change his mind. That worries me for her. Bit it is probably even more likely that she would be the one to break OM's heart. She thinks she wants him, but I am not so sure that she can really know that without being single for a while
I feel like I am watching my H's A in front of me. What the hell am I supposed to do with this..So Far, I have told her she needs to step back from the situation until he is divorced. I have sympathy for my SIL here. I feel like she is about to make a huge mistake. What do I do here? I can't out them at work or to BW. Any advice would be great.
OW had a baby. We do not know if my H is the father.
Together: 16 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 11, 6, 3
Limbo 2 + years after dday