Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: wonkeddev

Wayward Side :
Switch to I love you

This Topic is Archived
question

 Neznayou (original poster member #40654) posted at 12:06 PM on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

For most of our marriage, I held my husband at arms length (emotionally and physically). And then I had an affair. We are trying to reconcile.

He questions the seemingly instant switch from "I am willing to throw it all away" to "I'll do whatever it takes to save our relationship". Other than the Come to Jesus moment, Don't know what you've got till it's gone experience, I struggle to explain it in a way he understands.

How did it happen for you? Or did it?

Him: BH 1969
Me: WW 1973

Wedding: April 9, 1994

Son: 1998 (college freshman)
Son: 2002 (high school freshman)

Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012

I do not have it all together.

posts: 862   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2013   ·   location: Far, far away
id 6882352
default

DrJekyll ( member #43618) posted at 1:51 PM on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

my BS and I go through this.

Pre-DDay my BS knew what she wanted and I was looking at other grass.

Post-DDay(and for months before)I know what I want and my BS sees my grass as dead and full of weeds.

So what my BS is looking for, what is that magical moment when I knew what I wanted. For me, it was a moment when my BS came home late from work. And I projected all of my wayward behavior on her for those 2 hours and realized I did not want to live without her. So the don't know what you have got till its gone resonates.

A wound can be stitched shut, but it decides when it will heal on its own.

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. C.S.Lewis

posts: 1266   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 6882441
default

numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 2:34 PM on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

BH here.

For me it was not a single word, event or anything in particular that helped me. If I am being honest I still have doubts about her love for me and her motivations for R. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at it this way. I had to learn to be comfortable with a certain amount of doubt and because of that there is a little part of me that I probably will hold back forever.

The bond is there, but I don't perceive it to be permanent (Til death do us . . .) any more. I have to hang onto to that for my own safety. No amount of words, actions are ever going to change that for me. It is my new normal and I have to learn to accept that or leave the M.

You are never going to convince him otherwise if he chooses to believe this. You might know this to be true, but betrayal has a way of teaching you that you can't take things at face value anymore. It is damaged, it is just less naivete and that is not a bad thing for an individual.

Also forcefully trying to convince him what he believes to be true is going to do more damage to your relationship than any benefit you will derive. It is HIS truth. Try to see it from his perspective and empathize. Trust me if he is anything like me he isn't happy about this new normal either. I resigned myself to "you have to play the cards you are dealt."

I have also settled into "I can't control her," made my plan about what I would do in the future in a few key situations. I could see myself being alright in each scenario so it took some of the fear of the unknown away.

Rebuild the trust first. Then it is a matter of being consistent for a long period of time. If you worked on yourself and these things are genuine they will be taken as that eventually. Provided he feels he can trust you again.

If he can't he needs to address his insecurities on his own terms. If you are looking to be absolved (not saying you are it was in my case) he can't provide that for you nor should he. Once my W understood that she stopped pushing me seeing this "her," way.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5152   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 6882504
default

somethingremorse ( member #42047) posted at 3:38 PM on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

It was an instant for me. I got caught, and everything came crashing down. The couple of hours before BW came home, and the rest of that evening were enough to break through my walls. The pain in BW's voice, looking at my kids and thinking how much I would lose, all of those were immediately clear.

I know we are all different. I know that I wanted to stop my A, but just didn't. It's hard to explain why I kept up the A. I guess it just became easier to continue than to stop. If I stopped, then I would have needed to look at myself and take inventory of all the mistakes I was making. I ran from that, just like I avoided just about everything else. But I think I really did want to stop, and that initial crash was enough to force me to take action.

Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

posts: 911   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2014   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 6882636
default

 Neznayou (original poster member #40654) posted at 7:06 PM on Saturday, July 26th, 2014

Somethingremorse, how does your BS feel? Does she understand the change in your attitude/ feelings?

Him: BH 1969
Me: WW 1973

Wedding: April 9, 1994

Son: 1998 (college freshman)
Son: 2002 (high school freshman)

Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012

I do not have it all together.

posts: 862   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2013   ·   location: Far, far away
id 6886797
default

Trying2LoveAgain ( member #43024) posted at 11:18 PM on Saturday, July 26th, 2014

As a BS I questioned this myself. How are you engaged in an A & suddenly you decide it's not what you want to be doing..and it's really me you want? My fwh told me that his "wakeup call" came when OW told him she wanted him to leave me & our two small boys & she wanted to leave her Husband & 3 small children & literally run away...leave town! He said he realized while he was in it to feed his ego & the sex, etc she was in it to leave her Husband & be with my H forever (she had true feelings for my H, we found out later). He also said that right then he realized he'd never stopped loving me, even though at the time was very angry at me & felt hurt by me.. (sorry but those blameshifting things didn't fly with me).

Do I believe all of this?? Probably not! I do believe he has always loved me, but something was obviously very wrong for him to have an A...cross that line.

It's going to take time & a lot of positive action to gain back trust & fully trust that what he tells me is 100% the way he really feels! Part of this I think is my coping mechanism. To keep MY heart safe, I will most likely always keep him at a further distance away. This is a price he just has to pay for his betrayal! He's told me he is willing to accept this to stay married & be with me.

Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:2 D Grandchildren
"Life is a journey, travel with Care "...Me 🙈🙉🙊"Life is not a dress rehearsal, make the ONE you have count"....Me

posts: 1073   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2014   ·   location: Never Neverland
id 6886983
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy