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Neznayou posted 7/23/2014 06:06 AM

For most of our marriage, I held my husband at arms length (emotionally and physically). And then I had an affair. We are trying to reconcile.

He questions the seemingly instant switch from "I am willing to throw it all away" to "I'll do whatever it takes to save our relationship". Other than the Come to Jesus moment, Don't know what you've got till it's gone experience, I struggle to explain it in a way he understands.

How did it happen for you? Or did it?

DrJekyll posted 7/23/2014 07:51 AM

my BS and I go through this.

Pre-DDay my BS knew what she wanted and I was looking at other grass.

Post-DDay(and for months before)I know what I want and my BS sees my grass as dead and full of weeds.

So what my BS is looking for, what is that magical moment when I knew what I wanted. For me, it was a moment when my BS came home late from work. And I projected all of my wayward behavior on her for those 2 hours and realized I did not want to live without her. So the don't know what you have got till its gone resonates.

numb&dumb posted 7/23/2014 08:34 AM

BH here.

For me it was not a single word, event or anything in particular that helped me. If I am being honest I still have doubts about her love for me and her motivations for R. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at it this way. I had to learn to be comfortable with a certain amount of doubt and because of that there is a little part of me that I probably will hold back forever.

The bond is there, but I don't perceive it to be permanent (Til death do us . . .) any more. I have to hang onto to that for my own safety. No amount of words, actions are ever going to change that for me. It is my new normal and I have to learn to accept that or leave the M.

You are never going to convince him otherwise if he chooses to believe this. You might know this to be true, but betrayal has a way of teaching you that you can't take things at face value anymore. It is damaged, it is just less naivete and that is not a bad thing for an individual.

Also forcefully trying to convince him what he believes to be true is going to do more damage to your relationship than any benefit you will derive. It is HIS truth. Try to see it from his perspective and empathize. Trust me if he is anything like me he isn't happy about this new normal either. I resigned myself to "you have to play the cards you are dealt."

I have also settled into "I can't control her," made my plan about what I would do in the future in a few key situations. I could see myself being alright in each scenario so it took some of the fear of the unknown away.

Rebuild the trust first. Then it is a matter of being consistent for a long period of time. If you worked on yourself and these things are genuine they will be taken as that eventually. Provided he feels he can trust you again.

If he can't he needs to address his insecurities on his own terms. If you are looking to be absolved (not saying you are it was in my case) he can't provide that for you nor should he. Once my W understood that she stopped pushing me seeing this "her," way.

somethingremorse posted 7/23/2014 09:38 AM

It was an instant for me. I got caught, and everything came crashing down. The couple of hours before BW came home, and the rest of that evening were enough to break through my walls. The pain in BW's voice, looking at my kids and thinking how much I would lose, all of those were immediately clear.

I know we are all different. I know that I wanted to stop my A, but just didn't. It's hard to explain why I kept up the A. I guess it just became easier to continue than to stop. If I stopped, then I would have needed to look at myself and take inventory of all the mistakes I was making. I ran from that, just like I avoided just about everything else. But I think I really did want to stop, and that initial crash was enough to force me to take action.

Neznayou posted 7/26/2014 13:06 PM

Somethingremorse, how does your BS feel? Does she understand the change in your attitude/ feelings?

Trying2LoveAgain posted 7/26/2014 17:18 PM

As a BS I questioned this myself. How are you engaged in an A & suddenly you decide it's not what you want to be doing..and it's really me you want? My fwh told me that his "wakeup call" came when OW told him she wanted him to leave me & our two small boys & she wanted to leave her Husband & 3 small children & literally run away...leave town! He said he realized while he was in it to feed his ego & the sex, etc she was in it to leave her Husband & be with my H forever (she had true feelings for my H, we found out later). He also said that right then he realized he'd never stopped loving me, even though at the time was very angry at me & felt hurt by me.. (sorry but those blameshifting things didn't fly with me).
Do I believe all of this?? Probably not! I do believe he has always loved me, but something was obviously very wrong for him to have an A...cross that line.
It's going to take time & a lot of positive action to gain back trust & fully trust that what he tells me is 100% the way he really feels! Part of this I think is my coping mechanism. To keep MY heart safe, I will most likely always keep him at a further distance away. This is a price he just has to pay for his betrayal! He's told me he is willing to accept this to stay married & be with me.