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Taking Responsibility

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HighlandPaddy posted 7/23/2014 08:14 AM

This is one of my biggest issues with my wifes PA/EA.
I feel that it always seems to get turned back to me. That I drove her into doing what she did.

And I can see a point to that. I did have an EA that lasted a long time. WHen I was in it, I rationalized it just as a friendship, but I did cross the line and I am truly sorry for it.

After her D-day when she looked through my text messages I never tried to shift blame like that. Eventhough she had sex with another man in our house, I refused to try and blame my actions on what she had done to me 10 years prior.
Yes, I was still hurt from what she did to me. I also think its safe to say that had my wife never had an affiar then I never would've been open to the same. But I would never say those words to my wife. I do not want to blame what I did on her. I want to take full responsibility for my actions.

Now that the roles are reversed once again, she refuses to take responsibility. She says she is, but then quickly follows up with she doesn't feel as remorseful because of what I had done, and how she felt. She said she doesnt feel as bad because she feels that our marriage is already broken and while she didn't help things, she didn't do that damage that I had done.

Its just very frustrating. I'm not downplaying my role in this mess that we are in, but I also think she is understating her role...its like whatever she did is in the distant past and it cannot be brought up now, and everything I did is like it happened yesterday.

heme posted 7/23/2014 08:32 AM

Difference is you are remorseful she is not. You are willing to take responsibility and she is not. You are willing to work out what happened and she is not.

Not to be a debbie downer but she sounds like she regrets that you found out about the A, not that she had one. If she was remorseful she would take full responsibility without adding in "but its because" at the end. As soon as you add in an excuse you show that you aren't really sorry you did it.

krsplat posted 7/23/2014 09:04 AM

Gently, Paddy, maybe it is time to quit the cycle of betrayal and just end the marriage?

All I know of you and your situation is what I read here, but it sounds like the two of you are taking turns stepping out of a chronically broken relationship. If that's the case, it might be kinder to yourselves and each other to walk away, fix your own individual "broken", and then see where you stand in the world.

In the meanwhile, I hear your frustration. It's unfair to be held accountable when the other person is not. It makes me think of that Bible verse about seeing the speck in someone else's eye, but not the plank in your own.

What do you want to have happen next?

[This message edited by krsplat at 10:39 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

HighlandPaddy posted 7/23/2014 09:37 AM

krsplat-that is a great verse that I have not thought of in a long time! I will read into that some more today. Thanks

I'm wondering the same daily. Its still kind of fresh, and I promised myself that I would hold on for at least 6 months, and then see where we lay then.

heme- I agree, the apology is great until you add in the "but..."

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