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Newest Member: lelule (46059)

User Topic: 5 Wrongs = No go
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Question  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read somewhere (sorry - source uncertain) that if you can make a list of five things wrong with someone you are dating...they are not the one for you.

I could definitely come up with five things with X so maybe that statement holds water.


Obviously, I think the types of things on the list would have some influence since "cheater" versus "leaves wet towel on bed" are very different levels.

Thoughts? Would you next someone based on the 5-wrongs rule?



Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2274 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
brokeninfl
♀ 21896
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is interesting. I think certainly in the "hearts and flowers" stages five significant things should be enough for a "next"

heck, maybe I'm trigger happy, but one REALLY significant thing could be enough for a "next"

I think it's not a bad thought to keep in mind from the perspective that I think it can be easy to get caught up in all the 'fun and new" of a relationship and not look for the red flags. Keeping a "tally" might keep you aware, and keeping your eyes open is always a good idea.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can easily come up with 5 things that are wrong with me.


Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the tylenol?

Posts: 20569 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can easily come up with 5 things that are wrong with me.
Yup. I think it is more important to decide on whether the things that you feel are wrong with the other person are dealbreakers. I am sure I could come up with 5 imperfections in just about anyone.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15553 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can easily come up with 5 things that are wrong with me.

Hmm, I made a short list of the things that bug me the most with my SO, 3/4 of them could also be said for me, then I have my own unique to me imperfections on top of those. I guess I should consider myself lucky


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3578 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
asurvivor
♂ 32368
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, this is the opposite way I think and is actually a strange question for me to even think about. If I tried, I could think of 5 things wrong with winning the lottery. In a relationship or my life in general, I never go into a situation looking for the worse or the negative. It may sound polyanish but my first thought would be more in line with what are the 5 things that are special about this person or this job or this restaurant etc etc. Believe it or not, I actually think of what are the things to be thankful for that happened to me during the day before I go to sleep every night. It works for me.

I get the red flags and the boundaries and the borders and the stop lights and the whatever, but for me,(I'm only speaking for me) being positive and thankful and giving people the benefit of the doubt has worked most, not all, but most of life. There have been times when I was lost but when I return to the positive...my life works so much better. Obviously every person or situation is not the right one for me but I never look or at least try not to look at it like it's "their" failing or problem...it's who they are and so be it, time to go forward not be angry because they aren't going to meet my standards. Hell Like Sad in Az, I could find a 100 things wrong with me. It's dating for God's sake, it's a process not an end.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 587 | Registered: Jun 2011
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When wxh and I split, I made a list of everything that bugged me about him. I sat down and started writing. When I got to 60, I stopped because I didn't feel like getting a second sheet of paper.

Me? Yeah, I can think of at least 5.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7870 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC had me write a list of all of then WH's negative qualities which was about 50+ items on my first draft - including some of his sexual inadequacies.

Best part of that list was when XWH came to move all of his stuff out of the house (with my investigator witness present) And nosy XWH dug through some stuff in our office and apparently read the list. I know this because he made a comment about something referenced that he wouldn't have known, and then I saw the list out in the office. So I know he read it all! Priceless!


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4715 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I would have always struggled to come up with five things 'right' with the sad clown.

The 'wrong' list is a mile long. But he sure did love me a lot.

It isn't the number of wrongs but what those wrongs are. eg. I don't want a man who has small children (er, but I have small children). Supporting a particular political party is also a next for me.

I know I'll be focussing a lot more on peoples coping mechanisms in times of stress going forward. For me that is the biggie.

Loses his mind in traffic = next.
Lashes out cruelly when stressed = next.
Fights dirty (whether or not they are right) = next.
Bitches about how the world is against him = next.
Can't see the funny side of a disastrous situation = next.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As you can probably guess, I am struggling in my current relationship. In my heart of hearts (and gut-tingles), I know I need to end it.

Once I posted this yesterday, I decided to do the list thing and I whipped up 16 items without any struggle at all. That was not my concern since, as noted, we could all do that for ourselves and find many of faults. What was the kicker for me was I went back through to 'star' which ones are deal-breakers for me and got five. How could that be? Like PP stated, I think I got 'caught-up' and let some things go due to the positives. There are mega positives on his list but I keep hearing loud-and-clear.....TRUST YOUR GUT.

So while I couldn't make or break a relationship based on the 5-wrongs formula, I think it is interesting to keep in the back of my mind when dating.

Thanks again everyone for sharing.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2274 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your gut is telling you what to do...but it's always good to post here and get other opinions, plus, posting helps us to work things out for ourselves. There is something about seeing our thoughts in print that helps solidify what we need to do.

What was the kicker for me was I went back through to 'star' which ones are deal-breakers for me and got five.
One deal breaker is usually enough! Lists help sometimes!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15553 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One deal breaker is usually enough!

I agree. They are things that evolve over time, that I could rationalize that either I could live with it or it would go away in time.

Example - I am allergic to cats. He has them and they are VERY present in his home. Meaning, some houses you walk in and can barely smell them. His house is a smaller, one-level and the smell is [BAM] when you walk in.

Rationalization: These are his kid's pets (and I would never expect someone to get rid of their pets) and he says they will go when the kids leave because he is more of a dog person. Therefore I rationalized this wasn't an ever-and-ever thing so I could just pop allergy meds when I go there. However, the smell is set deep into everything (ie his car, etc) so even if we go to an outdoor picnic date, he brings out his stuff (blanket, etc) and the smell hits you.

I think I have tolerated or rationalized a lot of things due to his good qualities (honest, caring, non-cheater, etc) but something has resided deep in my gut from early on.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2274 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you told him about the cat smell? I've had dogs all my life and never noticed a dog smell. Now that I've been petless for a couple of years, I notice it right away. There are ways of controlling it.

If it's a dealbreaker, so be it. But if you haven't mentioned it, it smacks of passive/aggressive.


Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the tylenol?

Posts: 20569 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes - he knows of the cat issue(s). I know there are ways to make it better and he does some of them (ie typically washing his bedding when I am coming over) so there is an attempt.

I am sure with some stepped-up actions (cleaning), it could be improved but he really isn't motivated to do them (consistently). Some visits the place is cleaned up....other times there is litter and cat food stuck to my feet.

The cat thing is just an example to convey the types of stuff I am talking about. When I go to his place, I am typically overcome with anxiety that resembles a panic attack. This does not happen if we go out on a date or he comes to my place. However, it can be overwhelming at his place. It started the very first time I visited there and typically happens 50% of the times I go there.

Easy answer is - just don't go there. However, I feel his home is a piece of him and who he is. So if I am so filled with panic that I literally want to run out the door and hide in the hills - I should pay attention to that??

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 10:12 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2274 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are the other 4 deal breakers? Just curious (and nosy )

[This message edited by Amazonia at 7:06 PM, July 24th, 2014 (Thursday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13935 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 15

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