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1bigidiot79 posted 7/23/2014 09:15 AM

One year ago today my life changed forever. What a year it's been. I haven't posted much lately so many of you may not know my story. I'm not really going to go into it. I just felt that I needed to post today because I'm feeling overwhelmed.

My relationship with my BS now is confined to basically a friendship, co-parent relationship while living under the same roof. That's it. Nothing more and no sign of it changing. She won't discuss it and just goes about her business. I can't convince her to go to counseling individually or as a couple. So it seems we continue to be in an eternal state of limbo. At least that's what I thought it was but I got to thinking that limbo isn't supposed to be a continual state. I even looked up the definition which says, "an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition". I am beginning to think that she is never going to make a decision. I'm awaiting something that is never going to happen. This is her new normal. She is content to live this way and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm afraid this is my reality.

I hope I'm wrong. I continue to work on myself. I'm far from perfect but I can honestly say I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I've made a lot of positive changes in my life that I can be proud of. Changes that have hopefully made me a better person.

I'm feel like before long I will be at a crossroads. It scares me because the path I want to take won't be there. There will only be two options. Stay and make the best out of it or move on. I don't want to do either of those. I want my wife back. I want the intimacy of our marriage back. I know that until she wants this too it can never happen.

So until then it's just back to the one day at a time grind. Try to make the most out of things. It's not easy. In fact it's excruciating. I've said all along the hardest thing about this for me is the fact that I'm so close to her but yet so far away. It's like dangling the candy in front of the baby but never letting them have it. Her being nice to me as a friend is better than anger but it just makes me want our marriage back that much more. It's like a daily knife to my gut to interact with her but nothing intimate ever happening.

Anyway, I don't guess I even really have a question to ask. I just needed to write I guess. For anyone who has ever been in a similar situation I would appreciate any words of wisdom you could offer. Hopefully I'm wrong and things will change. Time well tell I guess.

NoGoodUsername posted 7/23/2014 11:21 AM

I want you to know that you have been heard.

My situation on this is different, so I can't offer you serious insight.

As a Wayward, you still get to have boundaries and deal-breakers, just be prepared to pay the price of enforcing them. Enforcing boundaries almost always has a cost associated.

Something that might be more appropriate to your problems might be whether your wife's needs are being met.

Gotta run

NewWorldMan posted 7/23/2014 11:34 AM

Hi 1. I read your post and your profile. It seems she has her mind made up. You say it's limbo, but I see it as her not wanting to reconcile, and is just chugging along until you file. She refuses to talk about it.

I only see one option, and that's to get the ball rolling on D. If you take the first step and tell her you've retained a lawyer, maybe she'll change her mind.

You can't keep living like this. Something has to give. The question is, who can live with things the way they are, and for how long?

I've not been in your same exact situation, but I do know all about being in limbo. My XW couldn't take it, and filed for D.

tired girl posted 7/23/2014 11:38 AM

As the previous poster said, you still have rights, you still get to have boundaries and you are still allowed to have a life. Because you are a WS does not mean that those are stripped from you. I agree that you are going to be at a crossroads, and I believe it should probably be sooner rather than later.

You have been working on yourself consistently and at this point I believe your W has made it clear that the M is probably over. At least the intimate parts of it. Maybe just taking the step to see a L and see what your rights are so you know where you would stand would allow you to start thinking about how you want to go about this. I wish you well in your upcoming decisions.

DrJekyll posted 7/23/2014 11:48 AM

in your post you say it is limbo, in your profile you say your BS told you she doesn't love you anymore and wants nothing to do with you. That may have been her speaking from anger, but it sounds like her actions are backing that up. And that doesn't sound like limbo, unfortunately.

But this

I continue to work on myself. I'm far from perfect but I can honestly say I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I've made a lot of positive changes in my life that I can be proud of. Changes that have hopefully made me a better person.

Now to find if the changes will stick. Are you making them for yourself, or for your BS?

If you are making them for you, they will stick. And continuing to make yourself a better person, FOR YOU She will either see it, or not. And sure if it continues indefinitely you will have to make a choice.

A few questions to think about. I can understand if you did not want to share them.
1. how long were you "acting out"
2. how long were you in FR? until TT stopped?

so not to put a timeframe on anything, but here is kinda how I see things for myself. I had 4 years of being an alcoholic and a jerk and then 4 years of acting out until dday and then 2 months of TT till dday2.
So my equation is (4y x1) time for being a jerk + (4y x10) time for my As + (2m x10) for TT = 45.6 years of making up to do. I think this is a good start for myself. But everyone has there own limits.

DixieD posted 7/23/2014 11:49 AM

I'm sorry your wife appears to have chosen this sort of life for herself. That is very sad. I was afraid of that. It doesn't have to be your reality. You have hard choices, but healthier ones too.

I'm glad you worked on yourself for you. You've come a long way.

1bigidiot79 posted 7/23/2014 15:10 PM

Thanks for the replies. It helps to just write this stuff out sometimes. To be fair to my BS I do want to add one thing and DrJekyll hit on it in his questions to me. The last TT was 3/5/14 and that is when she seemed to shut down to the point she is at now. So I've been operating as if she "reset" at that point and she still just needs time.

I haven't lost hope but as I said in my original post, I fear the crossroads is approaching. I can't go on like this forever. However, the last thing I want to do is jump ship too quick. I just wish she would talk to me. What is she thinking and feeling? My decision would be a lot clearer if I truly knew.

If this really is it, if this is how she feels and has decided it is final then as others have said I think I have to make some hard choices. But if she is trying in her own way to cope with this and is open to things changing in the future I absolutely will stay. I just don't have the assurance that that's what she's doing. I think there will come a point in time where I will have to demand an answer to that question...I just don't know when that will be. I don't know exactly where my breaking point is. I hope I never have to find out but with each passing day I feel it's getting closer and closer.

NewWorldMan posted 7/23/2014 15:15 PM

You could always start the ball rolling and stop it. You need to focus on you and not what your wife needs, IMO. I'm not suggesting you start acting like a jerk or anything. I'm suggesting that you do what you need to do to fix yourself.

See a lawyer. Let her know you have. Take responsiblity for your own happiness and well-being.

If you get divorced, so be it. If she wants reconciliation, you'll know...whether it's now or after you divorce. You could always reconcile after divorce.

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