One year ago today my life changed forever. What a year it's been. I haven't posted much lately so many of you may not know my story. I'm not really going to go into it. I just felt that I needed to post today because I'm feeling overwhelmed.
My relationship with my BS now is confined to basically a friendship, co-parent relationship while living under the same roof. That's it. Nothing more and no sign of it changing. She won't discuss it and just goes about her business. I can't convince her to go to counseling individually or as a couple. So it seems we continue to be in an eternal state of limbo. At least that's what I thought it was but I got to thinking that limbo isn't supposed to be a continual state. I even looked up the definition which says, "an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition". I am beginning to think that she is never going to make a decision. I'm awaiting something that is never going to happen. This is her new normal. She is content to live this way and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm afraid this is my reality.
I hope I'm wrong. I continue to work on myself. I'm far from perfect but I can honestly say I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I've made a lot of positive changes in my life that I can be proud of. Changes that have hopefully made me a better person.
I'm feel like before long I will be at a crossroads. It scares me because the path I want to take won't be there. There will only be two options. Stay and make the best out of it or move on. I don't want to do either of those. I want my wife back. I want the intimacy of our marriage back. I know that until she wants this too it can never happen.
So until then it's just back to the one day at a time grind. Try to make the most out of things. It's not easy. In fact it's excruciating. I've said all along the hardest thing about this for me is the fact that I'm so close to her but yet so far away. It's like dangling the candy in front of the baby but never letting them have it. Her being nice to me as a friend is better than anger but it just makes me want our marriage back that much more. It's like a daily knife to my gut to interact with her but nothing intimate ever happening.
Anyway, I don't guess I even really have a question to ask. I just needed to write I guess. For anyone who has ever been in a similar situation I would appreciate any words of wisdom you could offer. Hopefully I'm wrong and things will change. Time well tell I guess.