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lost4now posted 7/23/2014 10:40 AM

I am now divorced and have been dating a really nice man for a while now. We have great fun together and he makes me laugh. This is a long distance relationship. He is divorced and has grown children of his own. We talk daily, usually every morning, every evening, sometimes during the day if we can and we text quite a bit.

Yesterday was a bit weird. He text me in the morning saying he was already at a job and couldn't talk. He was sorry, he would try to call when he could. He wasn't able to call which is no problem. He finally sent a text sometime after lunch to see how my day was going. We had a brief text conversation. I sent him a text on my way home from work to see if he was able to talk. This is usually our normal thing. He said he was still working and would call me that evening. Again, no problem. Work is work and I understand. He text me around 8:30 to say he was on his way home. He text me that he had to get a shower from his dirty day. Then he text me that he was in bed and sleepy. I said goodnight and I would talk to him in the morning.

This morning I just waited to hear from him. He is up usually very early as am I and He finally called me at 7:00 or so and said he was waiting for me to text him. I just said something along the lines of he could have sent me a text as well. And he said "so this is how this is going to play out".

Now......we have never had this problem before. To be honest, I think I was a bit hurt that last night he didn't call and simply text me that he was tired. He could have talked for a minute or two. I do realize he probably had a long day and just was exhausted. But then why not send me a text this morning and say.....I missed talking to you all day yesterday, I'm sorry I was so busy. So right now I am feeling kind of brushed aside or unimportant. I feel like this is some game he is playing. Like this is a test of some sort or something.

My emotions have been played with enough during the past 5-6 years with my exH and I just don't have the patience for that now. Is it me??? Am I over reacting to this?? Part of me feels like I am but I am so afraid of falling back into the doormat I was with my exH!

Advise please!!!

norabird posted 7/23/2014 10:59 AM

How long have you been dating?

Were you triggered by his not calling?

That's ok, but acknowledge it and don't make this guy suffer for what happened in the past. You obviously heard his 'I'm tired' as something else. Talk about it. Admit that you are sensitive and that it made you feel neglected. But, at the same time, you need to be able to give someone a little slack to have a busy day and be in slightly less touch sometimes.

His reaction seems less than optimal, but your sensitivity is your own to work through. Are you afraid of being vulnerable by reaching out first? that's it's own game, and he is not a mind-reader. Own the fact that you were sulking instead of addressing your feelings, because being able to communicate about that is going to be crucial.

devasted30 posted 7/23/2014 11:18 AM

^^^^^^^^^^^^ what norabird said. It makes sense to me that you are, naturally, carrying over some baggage from you past.

lost4now posted 7/23/2014 11:22 AM

We've been dating for a year.

I was triggered (sort of) by his not calling.

I reach out first alot and don't always feel vulnerable about it. Though I do sometimes, I will admit. But mostly I felt vulnerable about it because I sensed or felt like he was pulling back. While I completely understand a busy day or being just too wiped out to talk, I don't get the not reaching out to me in the morning and then calling and almost picking a fight (or so it seemed to me).

During the five years of false R with my now exH, he was always in "suck up" mode and was always the one to reach out to me first (with good reason) and maybe I just got used to that. Old habits are hard to break I guess. I thought I was doing pretty good with this and found that I was getting to the point that calling or texting first wasn't a problem for me anymore. Maybe it still is to some degree??

I am a pretty good communicator (I think) and I usually say how I feel. I will address this with him later tonight. He was also cheated on so maybe there is something on his end that he hasn't really totally gotten over too.

Crescita posted 7/23/2014 11:38 AM

It sounds like you both just need a little reassurance. Not a terrible problem to have. Just requires a bit more communication. I suppose this can be a challenge in an LDR, but if you are open and honest you should be able to work it out.

norabird posted 7/23/2014 11:54 AM

It's hard! Just remember that while you didn't get his not reaching out to you, you weren't reaching out either. But I'm sure you can resolve this with a quick heart to heart.

InnerLight posted 7/23/2014 15:56 PM

Ok to each his own and all that but I know I would feel suffocated in a relationship that had so much contact every day such as 2 calls a day and several texting check ins. And then feeling bad because one of these multiple check in points is missed. It sounds like a very short leash.

I hear the irritation and resentment from both of you. I suggest an open evaluation and discussion about whether or not this type of interaction frequency and expectation around it serves both of you.

Express what you enjoy about him first, what works best for you, and then what doesn't. Be open to hearing from him too, and then see what new pattern can be developed.

Softcentre posted 7/24/2014 03:15 AM

OK...

You were feeling vulnerable/ignored (even though that's a lot of contact during a work day IMO) so you played a game of 'wait to see when he texts me'. Do you normally text him first in the morning? This is an important question.

3 Options:

1. You normally text him first & told him you would speak to him in the morning, so he was just waiting for you. Then he got worried and actually called you (at a still early time!). You then criticised him and made it clear you were game playing. So he called you on it.

2. You take it in turns...but the last thing you texted him was that YOU would talk to him in the morning. So he assumed you would text first.Then he got worried and actually called you (at a still early time!). You then criticised him and made it clear you were game playing. So he called you on it.

3. He normally texts you first...but the last thing you texted him was that YOU would talk to him in the morning. So he assumed you would text first. You thought he would text first as usual.Then he got worried and actually called you (at a still early time!). You then criticised him and made it clear you were game playing. So he called you on it.


I actually see him keeping you informed the day before that he would not be able to text you as much as usual (green flag) and then calling you gently on your game playing, although he could have handled that better by asking if you were worried. But not a bad response.

You're clearly feeling some anxiety. Are you seeing an IC about trust issues?

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