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My first new relationship in 16 years

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DepressedDaddy posted 7/23/2014 11:50 AM

Sorry for the long message, but there's a lot to it. Unlike my STBXWW, I have not been out on the market for 16 years. I told myself I wasn't going to actively pursue any relationship for awhile. I am not too interested in the whole dating scene right now, especially trying to get through my D. However, something absolutely unexpected happened.

I started having friendly chit chat with someone I already knew. After a short time it got very deep, you could tell something more was there. She knew that I was in the midst of a D. I told her after I got through my D, I really wanted to explore the possibility of a relationship. She was all for it and said that we could just keep talking and hang out until then.

So we did that and we essentially found ourselves getting more emotionally and physically connected. We had a budding relationship on our hands. I told her about my STBX's A and she disclosed she was part of the club too with her XWH. We both have children and are very committed to them. However, her and her XH split a number of years ago, but it can be seen that she still has some wounds there. We both realized it was developing into something more quickly, so she started applying brakes. She said that she didn't want to hurt me, nor did she want to be hurt and really wanted to wait until I was through my D. She even used words like, "this seems too good to be true," which I felt the same way, and it made me excited.

Don't get me wrong, things that seem too good, usually are, but I just wanted to allow myself to be vulnerable just in case. I don't want to get hurt, but I also knew there was something else there. We have a ton in common, we have a ton of mutual friends, we are really good together, we are very attracted to one another and we both hold similar values. The chemistry when we are together is great.

I told her that I will respect whatever she wants, so I would just follow her lead. She told me that she "is confused." Since then, she has pulled away and keeps up limited contact. It started out that we were keeping up daily contact, then it went to responding within 24 hours, to now, we have gone the longest without talking with one another at 1 week. We both see what each other is up to through social media, but of course it is not the same.

I know I am probably overthinking this, but it just pains me to think that something else has happened and our chances are dwindling. I keep telling myself, "she told you she wanted to wait until you were divorced, so just be patient," but there is also those other voices of she is no longer interested, I did something or she met someone else. I get worn out with all this sometimes. My D supposedly is going to be finalized in the next week or two, but I just don't know. I'm also not interested in feeling dependent on someone else, so I am working hard not to be too attached right now. I'm just letting things happen - which is what is helping me through all this.

I think she looks at what she went through during her journey and thinks I will go down those same paths - that takes a ton of time. I know it is probably just a protective factor on her part, but I just wish she would let herself be vulnerable with me. I just don't want her to think I have lost interest in her, but I don't want to send her texts all the time either. I have followed her requests of following her lead...but of course I would love to chat with her more regularly.

I'm just new back into this and am confused. I need some sense talked into me.

norabird posted 7/23/2014 12:00 PM

Sense, incoming. (Maybe).

You aren't divorced yet. Your being divorced was the marker you set initially for trying to pursue this.

So, at least wait the week or two! My goodness. Where is the fire?

Focus on you, think about your healing, think about what you're ready for...and then, after the D is final by a few weeks, gently reach out to ask if she thinks she would be open to pursuing this now. I am sure she knows you are still interested. Do not show her by pursuing her while still separated--show her in a mature, respectful way once the D is final. That advice you're giving yourself, to respect what she told you, is spot on--but you have to take it now!

And please try and let yourself feel anything that comes up over the D--you can't just divert your emotions away from that in order to focus on this new interest. I know you are doing great, but be open to the possibility that the finalization will be something you need to mourn, and honor that if so--don't rush yourself past it.

cmego posted 7/23/2014 12:03 PM

One of the hardest crashes is the first relationship post D. You are so excited to "get out there" and "love again" and you realize that there is so much more to growth and healing than simply dating and finding the right person.

A pull back, or any kind of back and forth means she isn't healed enough to date, i.e.: isn't emotionally stable enough yet.

but I just wish she would let herself be vulnerable with me.

^^^^ This quote right here makes me know you aren't all healed either. This is "co-depence" talking. Only SHE is responsible for her feelings and actions and there is nothing you can do about it. You need to let her figure out her own stuff.

Dating post D is hard. Learning to let go of people that aren't ready was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn.

Take a breath. Step back.

DepressedDaddy posted 7/23/2014 12:12 PM

Norabird and Cmego - thank you! I really do feel I am doing well, but I do have a range of feelings with it all. I have not pursued it, because I can be mature and an adult - just let things happen if that's what happens.

Cmego - I do agree with what you said about the codependent thing. I think hearing that out loud tells me that this is a good lesson for me to have. If it grows into something down the line, great, but for now, just keep doing my thing, which I have been. I can honestly say that my independence and sense of identity in many other aspects of my life right now and developing splendidly. Both my STBX and I were pretty codependent with each other, so it is a pattern I need to break. Of course I understand that in future healthy relationships that a certain level of co-dependence is expected, but I just need to relax for now.

worried_lady posted 7/23/2014 18:39 PM

Ok, I really hate to say this but I have been single so long and this is my experience.

The single world is not like it was for you 16 years ago. I have found many of the singles don't really feel that sense of respect and decency that I think a relationship deserves. They think nothing of seeing multiple people but if they can get away from you without telling the truth and it does not work out with the other person then they can come back to you with no burned bridges. 9 times out of 10 they are playing several games. I hate to sound really judgmental about it but I have seen this many times. It can be exhausting.

How many years has she been divorced?

My thoughts - she is seeing somebody else. When they back away like that without a good discussion. They are seeing somebody else. Maybe I am wrong but I am sorry if that is the case.

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