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I am a bad wayward

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tangledknot posted 7/23/2014 11:50 AM

I am really struggling today, so I hope you don't mind me wallowing in here for a little bit.

I am not remorseful. I am beginning to feel more and more defensive and prickly when my BS lashes out at me or when he responds to me with snide remarks. I don't like him. I am not empathetic.

I am trying REALLY HARD to do the right things. I want to be remorseful. I want to show compassion and empathy for my BS. I want to move on from this and heal myself; help my BS heal, and improve my marriage. I want all of these things, but I am feeling so hopeless right now.

I miss my AP. For the record, I have honored NC. I have not reached out to him, and I have not heard from him since a couple days past d-day. It's been almost a month.

Here is a question: If I stick with this, will things get better?

NewWorldMan posted 7/23/2014 12:01 PM

It's very hard to feel remorse and to have empathy while you're still longing for your AP. You're suffering from withdrawal.

The longing for my AP absolutely KILLED my marriage and totally effed with my head.

You need to go "mental NC" in addition to physical NC. I'll bump "Maia's guide to withdrawal". Give it a read. There are tips in there that will help you.

sorrowfulmate posted 7/23/2014 12:06 PM


You are going to feel defensive, that is how we are. However we have to suck it up.

Someone bumped Mias withdrawal guide. Look it over.

DrJekyll posted 7/23/2014 12:27 PM

Here is a question: If I stick with this, will things get better?

Let go of the outcome. It may get better, it may get worse, it may stay the same.

You have to fix you for you. Not for him, not for the M, not for kids, not for reputation, not cause its the right thing to do. But because you want to be the best you, that you can be.

For the first 2 months after dday I had to seriously look at at my BS and my M and determine "Did I want this?" This is a huge commitment, lots of dark days ahead of you. So you have to make that choice. One direction or the other.

So in answer to your question, If you stick with your healing things will get better with or without your BS. You will feel better about yourself. And become a healthy and safe person. And LOVE YOURSELF.

NewWorldMan posted 7/23/2014 12:36 PM

I bumped Maia's guide for you.

You feel defensive and cannot feel remorse because of the feelings you're still having about your AP. You're in conflict, and when your BS asks you questions, your mind is trying to reconcile that conflict. No one wins.

Until you distance yourself physically and mentally from your NC, you're not going to feel remorse or empathy.

tired girl posted 7/23/2014 12:37 PM


Are you really missing your AP, or are you missing how the whole thing made you feel?

MissesJai posted 7/23/2014 12:38 PM

ok - I am going to come at this from a different angle. I've read your other posts - you seem to harbor a great deal of resentment towards your BH and this was pre-A. Why?

tired girl posted 7/23/2014 12:40 PM

I think MJ has a point here as well. I had the same issue TK and it did hold me back until I learned to put it on the shelf and work on me and find remorse.

Aubrie posted 7/23/2014 12:40 PM

What MJ said x2.

newdaytomorrow posted 7/23/2014 13:22 PM

I have struggled here too.
You want to move forward with your marriage. I told myself this as well. I realized I couldn't move forward because I was still thinking of myself with OW or I missed the feelings of the A. I wasn't moving forward or allowing myself to be fully committed to my marriage. I thought I was angry at BW which allowed me to push back to the AP. You are building anger, that's not healthy. Tell your husband how you feel.
There are dark days ahead, but it does get much better. Love for your spouse gets better.

[This message edited by newdaytomorrow at 5:22 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]

familyfirst posted 7/23/2014 13:36 PM

I can say that missing AP will get better. Time heals wounds. The longer you hold him in your thoughts and heart, the longer it will take to stop missing him. So it's really your choice how long you want the pain to continue

It sounds to me like you think you have to pick door #1 - BS or
door #2 - AP
Not true. Stopping the A does not mean you have choosen BS. It means you are a good person who doesn't intentionally hurt people. Great job on making it a month with NC! Don't fall off the wagon now. It's not worth it. I had failed NCs and each one was progressively more heart wrenching.

I think there's a lot to your statement

I don't like him (BS)
If you were in my office I'd play the 5 whys game with you. Try it

tangledknot posted 7/23/2014 13:40 PM

I am at work and I could just curl up under my desk and wail like a baby. I absolutely miss the way AP's attention made me feel. I am definitely in major withdrawal. The last couple weeks have been awful.

My BS is innocent. He is a good, honest, trustworthy, kind person, and right now I can barely stand him. He has always tried to do the right things. His heart has always been in the right place. But, he has led our family into some major challenges that I don't feel comfortable cataloguing here. I have encouraged him and supported him through these challenges and kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Now that we have my infidelity to contend with, I think that the last 5 years of me stuffing my resentment is just erupting. I can't control it. On top of that, he wants me to quit my job, which makes me feel very insecure.

AP was my little escape or my "happy place." I think being at work aggravates the itch.

tangledknot posted 7/23/2014 13:54 PM

familiyfirst, thank you for your response. You are talking me off the ledge here and I really appreciate it. It's good to know I am not choosing between one or the other. I never knew I could do something so awful like this and I never would have thought that turning things around would be such an internal struggle for me. I am feeling so much pressure to do the right thing, to save my marriage, and I am just crumbling.

tired girl posted 7/23/2014 14:12 PM

I think being at work aggravates the itch

Could this be why your H wants you to quit?

Whether you work out your M or not, isn't this something you want to fix in you?

tangledknot posted 7/23/2014 14:23 PM

tired girl,

Yes, I do want to fix this in me. My "career" is a big problem and I have needed to make changes for a long time. BS wants me to quit like tomorrow. That's way too fast for me. I feel like I need a few months.

My job is also what has kept us afloat for the last five years, and it is what we rely on for benefits and such. It makes me nervous to up and quit, and if the marriage doesn't work, I have lost my means of supporting my daughter and myself. I admit this is a selfish fear, but the concern is there.

tired girl posted 7/23/2014 14:45 PM

Can you sit down with him and work out a timeline for finding another job that would work for both of you?

Lostcat posted 7/24/2014 03:17 AM

I understand exactly how you're feeling - this was me after DDay. Unfortunately AP contacted me after about a month and I ended up breaking NC on and off for a while. The worst thing I ever did - I will regret it for ever and I causes BH so much pain. It's worse than the actual A.

Be strong. Your feelings for AP will fade and the more you come out of it the more you will realise how much you've hurt your BH and the more feelings of remorse you'll have. It takes time.

Look after yourself.

SlowUptake posted 7/24/2014 04:38 AM

My "career" is a big problem and I have needed to make changes for a long time. BS wants me to quit like tomorrow. That's way too fast for me. I feel like I need a few months.
So what's more important to you, your job or your marriage?

It's OK if it's your job, that's your choice. It just would be more honest if you told your BS that he wasn't as important, so he can make a choice.

DrJekyll posted 7/24/2014 07:16 AM


I have noticed a few things here.

1. you are very angry with your BS
2. you still miss the feelings from AP
3. you are holding onto your job as security

It is sounding like this was an "exit A" and now you are having second thoughts. As my BS has told me, there is nothing crueler than having an "exit A" and not exiting.

It sounds like, if you knew your BS would work on the things that have made you resentful over the years. Than you would want to work this through. But you are scared that if you give up your career, and come to the point that you do not see the changes you want on your BS, you will regret it.

does that sound right? or am I off base here?

somethingremorse posted 7/24/2014 08:35 AM

Do you like the person you were during your A? Lying and not trustworthy? Because that is what you shared with your AP.

I am not saying that staying in your M is the right thing. You need to figure that out. I do believe that you cannot build a life on a crumbling foundation. The person you were during the A, and honestly mostly still are today, is not the best foundation to move forward.

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