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Newest Member: bob74 (46035)

User Topic: Wandering Musician No More--Moves Into My Backyard!
notperfect5
♂ 43330
Member # 43330
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I received an email yesterday from the OM. Previously I had sent him a couple emails (months ago), but no response.

To summarize, he said he was respecting my WW request for NC. That the director of the music school my children attend has requested that he lead a large portion of the school and he accepted.

He was letting me know because he wanted to make sure that I knew it was because of the financial reasons and to be closer to his target audience, not for any other reason (like my wife). It was only for the job opportunity.

I thought it was a courtesy, which I appreciated, but it will mean that instead of being 4 hours away, he will be 20 minutes away. And, he will be leading the instruction for my DDs.

Needless to say I am freaking out.

But, on a good note, when I told my wife she completely left the decision on what to do to me. No blameshifting or gaslighting--just a complete and open, "Whatever you think is best I am OK with--really. However much or little or none the girls do with the school is fine--it's up to you."

That response from my wife is so much better than what it used to be, I can hardly express. So, it's bad news and good news at the same time.

There will always be someone waiting in the wings. It's my wife's attitude to me that is paramount, and that attitude has greatly improved.

Additionally, he will now have a boss and an image to uphold, so I have more leverage to make life unpleasant for him should I get a sniff of anything wrong.

The hardest part will be moving my DDs out of their class because we have so much time and energy invested. I will have to see this guy from time to time around now -- no avoiding him.

Just when I thought things were settling down...


Me: 45 BH
Her: 42 WW
DDay 8/13 EA, TT went underground
Broke NC and turned PA on 8/4/14
Limping, bleeding into R
Married 23 years
5 Children 15 to 3-1/2

Posts: 220 | Registered: May 2014
RightTrack
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How difficult for you! Is your wife going to be able to maintain NC? Is there another music school? Can you move to Alaska?

Posts: 658 | Registered: Sep 2012
notperfect5
♂ 43330
Member # 43330
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some say keep your friends close and your enemies closer...

This music school is like 70% of the after school activities for my family of 5 children. We did it that way so we wouldn't be going every which way and literally driving ourselves crazy. But, since I've put so many eggs in one basket, it is going to be a painful thing to undo all that.

I am still undecided what to do. Do I reboot the entire family's direction? We are not very sports inclined. Do we move? Seems drastic. I am leaning towards doing all the driving to the music school and related activities so that my wife can maintain NC.

(updated post to say "wouldn't" instead of "would" be driving ourselves crazy)

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 8:50 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]


Me: 45 BH
Her: 42 WW
DDay 8/13 EA, TT went underground
Broke NC and turned PA on 8/4/14
Limping, bleeding into R
Married 23 years
5 Children 15 to 3-1/2

Posts: 220 | Registered: May 2014
lynnm1947
♀ 15300
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am leaning towards doing all the driving to the music school and related activities so that my wife can maintain NC.

Can you physically do that? Might be the best solution, if you think you can maintain calm.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7518 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
7yrsflushed
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just my 2 cents but if it were me in this situation I would either take my kids out of all activites that would place them in contact with the AP or inform the school of the past situation so they are aware. It may be a good idea to inform the school anyway because you have no idea what the AP will tell them. You and your WW can go in together and let them know what happened. If you are not trying to be vindictive then tell them that but let them know you want him having NOTHING to do with your children. You informing them is preventative. If AP loses the position it's consequence for him. He knew your kids were at the school prior to applying so he should have informed the school of the situation himself. You can even take in a copy of the email he sent you if necessary. Again just my 2 cents but I think you should inform the school administration.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:36 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1943 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
StillGoing
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am with 7 yrs. While it's unlikely there is any threat to your children, it is just inviting way too much overlap with your lives. NC is NC - that does not mean NC except for when it's convenient for him, and contact with your children is not NC.

He should have just stayed away. If that meant not taking a better job, so be it.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7635 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Schadenfreude
♂ 43075
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to sound like Mr Negative, but this could be a real,problem for you and your M.

As you must know, there is an extremely long and repetitive thread here about a WW, an OM and activities for a child. The OM is or was involved with the club. And BS maintains that the club is so important for the child that they cannot quit or transfer. Don't go down that road.

There is an issue you haven't raised. What is most important? Music or marriage? Even if you become the chauffeur, WW knows exactly where OM is and what he's doing. I also assume he's setting down roots nearby, thus making him available. WW may be trustworthy, but you need to be sure. Every concert will be a meeting of sorts. Does your wife want to separate herself from the kids' musical,achievements? Not likely.

And you may have involuntarily moved to Trigger City. Concerts? Kids praising the music director? Not going to be easy.

And,,it appears he's giving up the life of wandering troubadour. So he's not going away.

I'm sure you have thought of most of these things. But I do not envy your position and the struggles dumped on you. Infidelity-- the gift that keeps on giving.

Is there another school?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
notperfect5
♂ 43330
Member # 43330
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may be a good idea to inform the school anyway because you have no idea what the AP will tell them.

I am trying to keep the EA as under wraps as possible. If word got out it would make our life very painful in these small circles. I am considering it though--a good recommendation to think about.

As you must know, there is an extremely long and repetitive thread here about a WW, an OM and activities for a child. The OM is or was involved with the club. And BS maintains that the club is so important for the child that they cannot quit or transfer. Don't go down that road.

I have seen the thread--a heart breaking read. The group would be semiweekly, so it is not frequent. Most of the work is individual practice and private lessons.

My DD has a new private lesson teacher and he is working out great--couldn't be happier. But the group sessions are very important and that is where we may cross paths with OM.

WW knows exactly where OM is and what he's doing. I also assume he's setting down roots nearby, thus making him available. WW may be trustworthy, but you need to be sure. Every concert will be a meeting of sorts.

Regardless of whether we participate he will be here, interacting with our mutual friends and being available nearby. I can't change that unless I do move to Alaska, which is looking better by the minute.

Is there another school?

No, unless I move to Chicago, New York, or St. Louis. I like it here in the South.

And you may have involuntarily moved to Trigger City. Concerts? Kids praising the music director? Not going to be easy.

It will be Trigger City. Damn, Damn, Damn!


Me: 45 BH
Her: 42 WW
DDay 8/13 EA, TT went underground
Broke NC and turned PA on 8/4/14
Limping, bleeding into R
Married 23 years
5 Children 15 to 3-1/2

Posts: 220 | Registered: May 2014
craig2001
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad to hear your wife had a good attitude about it considering how she has reacted in the past.

Music is important for your kids, though it is disgusting that the OM will be teaching them. I think it best if you do all of the interaction between school and this OM.

I don't remember, did your wife ever go to IC, mainly because of her job related stress and depression?


Posts: 4442 | Registered: Jun 2002
Topic Posts: 9

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